Finally, a Gym That Cares as Much About Your Sports Drink as You Do

Kasadee Allan
May 30, 2018 · 3 min read
Gotta get that boost!

Welcome to First, Fitness! We are so excited that you decided to start your journey towards a healthier body with us. We know that you are probably curious about the towel situation, and the rules about wiping down the equipment, but first, let’s cover the most important topic: the drink rules and regulations.

In short, we don’t have any.

Anything you want to drink, bring it on in. Except water, it lacks imagination, which reflects poorly on us as an organization. It is scientifically proven that water is the preferred choice of losers and gym-wannabes. If you are set on bringing in water, please add in some type of enhancement, whether it is crystal light, a fresh fruit flavour, or coloured cocaine. Anything to jazz it up a bit.

If you are one of the more enlightened people who knows that water is for the weak and uncommitted, you are in luck. We offer our very own drink dispenser on site. The beverage options we offer start light with a basic Gatorade, to a bit more fun, pink lemonade, or if you are really daring, Jewel Bug juice, which is smashed insects for an extra protein blast! This drink was created accidentally when the bugs fell into our blender, but we know only the truly serious can handle this protein-packed punch!

Please note: we have had complaints of the bug juice turning urine odd colours, but the drink looks great in a glass being carried around the gym, so we are going to keep it around.

We are a very environmentally-friendly gym, so bringing in your own drink container is much appreciated. We have no rules on drink containers, but we do have some guidelines:

  • It should be clear. (How is anyone going to know you aren’t just drinking water if they can’t see it?)
  • It should be dangerously close to breaking. (Thin glass works best. You always want one eye on your drink, instead of total focus on your heavy weights).
  • It should be as big as possible. (Working out takes a lot out of you, and having the largest amount of liquid possible helps to keep you refreshed. It also makes sure you are keeping on track with your 20-pees a day schedule).

There are various containers that work well at our self-serve drink kiosk. Mason jars work well, but there are ways to up the ante. Go to your local pet shop and buy a refillable dog dish with a jug attached. You will never have to go back to the drink dispenser. We also have registered nurses on site who can start your own IV if you want a more portable option. Scuba tanks can also be emptied of oxygen and refilled with your drink. (Plus, the weight helps tone and define as you drink).

Not everyone wants to use our automated drink dispenser, we get that. We have no problem with you bringing in your own drink. When bringing in your own drink make sure it is three things: a bright colour, carbonated, and super sugary.

We understand the human body at First, Fitness, so we know that sugar is basically energy. The more sugar your drink has the more power you will produce. Plus, if your drink does happen to spill it will only make the machine that more effective.

Carbonated drinks can also slosh around in the stomach during exercise and cause a slight case of heartburn. Some people think this is a bad thing, but we know this is just an extra push for you to finish your workout on a high note.

The bright colours are fun! Nothing helps a gym selfie like that special pop of colour.

At First, Fitness! we understand how important a workout drink is. It will determine the effectiveness of a workout, and many people only stay at the gym until their drink is gone. As our motto says, “If there is nothing to suck on, what is even the point?”

We want to make sure your gym experience is a positive one, so come on down to “First, Fitness” and bring all the drinks you want! Because you can’t get swole without your pink drink, five ice cubes, two orange slices, and a big old mug to carry it in, or at the very least, you’ll look legit.


Medium humor. Large laughs.