I’m Indeed’s Hiring Agent And Here’s An Unrelated Job Application
Look, I know you applied to one specific job on Indeed, but I have a job for you that’s entirely unrelated to any of your work experience. I know it’s too good to be true, but you’ll be making $35 an hour once you go through this five-year hiring process. This process takes five years, but we’ve worded it in a way where it’ll sound like five months. That’s exciting: five months and you’ll have a job you never wanted in about five years.
How did I find your contact information? Indeed, of course. They say your data is safe, but it’s not. There’s this database where every time you apply for a job, hiring agents like me use your information to send you something completely irrelevant. By the way, you entered the wrong address when filling out your application; your address is 2254 and not 2252, just a heads up. But yes, we hiring agents (and I say “hiring agent” loosely because I’m just a random high school dropout with a computer) find your contact information like everybody else through a website that stores your personal data, but lie and say they don’t.
How many times will I contact you? I would like you to think about applying for the job. Granted, it’s not in your field, and there’s no reason for you to work there, but come on, it’s a job. You’re applying for jobs on Indeed; does it get any lower than that? This isn’t LinkedIn where people are looking for career worthy employment; this is Indeed, it’s like a drug deal but with work. You have nothing going for you, and this could be your big break. All this company asks is five months to five years of your life. That’s not that long of a time. In five years, you’ll be making slightly above minimum wage, which is a lot better than what you’re doing now.
You want details about the job? Wow, really? I usually don’t get this far, and to be honest, I have no clue what kind of job it is. I do remember it saying some telemarketing with an incentive-based salary. You know, something where you’re overworked and underpaid, but that’s kind of normal now. And sorry for calling you a low-life earlier, but I read the 48 Laws of Power, and I’m learning to play to people’s weaknesses. But about this telemarketing job, I didn’t read much about it. All I do is spam as many people as possible, hoping some idiot, sorry, “client” like you, comes around. In all honesty, I don’t know what I’m sending and who I send it to, but I do know it’s mandatory for the job to be irrelevant. You were the only person to respond to any of my emails. Wait, what weirdo checks their spam folder? Oh, I was in your inbox, really, that’s so dope! I’ve been in the spam folder for years! But once I find any details on the job, I’ll be more than happy to let you know.
You want to set up an interview? Holy crap, are you serious?! This would be my first interview in five years. The last interview I had for this company was hiring me to be a hiring agent. This is great. Nobody has ever wanted a random job that doesn’t make sense for their career, but you are different. You like to take spontaneous risks, and the uncertainty of working a job that isn’t for you does not make you uncomfortable. I like that about you, the willingness to fail in the industry and take five years to start over. There’s only one thing: I have no clue how to set up an interview or contact a hiring manager. Remember, I am only a hiring agent.
You got the job? Wow, that is wonderful! I knew you were going to get it. You seemed determined and so full of life during the interview. I heard you were the best candidate they’ve seen in many years. I’m happy for you, but it does kind of suck that you’ll be replacing me. I should’ve checked the job openings because I didn’t know my job was included in one. It kind of sucks. I’ll have to start the hiring process all over again. But again, I’m happy for you, I really am. Good luck on your hiring agent journey, but before I go, do you have any irrelevant jobs for former hiring agents, maybe like an engineer or special education teacher?
