Stubborn or tenacious?
Me, My & Eye
Cast list:
ME: Worldly and world-worn, in her seventies, sometimes writer, frequent meditator. Varied careers behind her now, looking for meaning.
MY: Etheric, timeless, varied knowledge but lacks experience, curious, non-judgemental. Committed to service and grateful for the speaking part.
EYE: Eternal, all-seeing, constant, unifying presence, that observes and documents equally the Etheric and the human.
It is early morning and in the heart of London, the dustcarts are clattering down the street, light is pouring in through the windows and the teacup next to the sofa is empty. It has been an unsettled time, health worries have left their mark and the tension in ME’s body remains from a sleepless night. Eventually, she speaks as if to the dust motes that circle in the sunlight.
ME: As I look back, I am not sure how much of my life path was mapped out by my tenacity or sheer stubbornness. Earlier today I recalled an old teaching which unsettled me. It was something like, ‘Your soul will stop whispering in your ear if you constantly ignore it.’ I know most people sigh when the soul or spiritual guidance is mentioned, but I have always been fascinated, repelled, and curious in equal measure.
There is a long pause almost as if the answer had to travel some distance.
MY: Why do you think you have been repelled and fascinated in equal measure?
ME: Good question. Partly my mother’s approach to Spirit scared me when she pretended to know things about my future, which she did not, and because she used Spirit as an avoidance. I think she thought Spirit would helicopter her out of her misery and, of course, it didn’t, which meant she felt victimized by life and disappointed in all of those within it.
As a result, I was very bolshy, and independent, and forged my own path, mostly as a reaction to feeling abandoned by her emotionally and by my father physically. I was twelve, on my way to school, when I realized that no one I could have expected to love me did, and so I was now on my own. Probably untrue, but it shaped most of my teens.
EYE silently watches from a distance as sadness fills the atmosphere. She visualizes ME as a young child, tall, with blond hair, in her school uniform marching into school. Apparently angry, but actually hurting. Her hard-faced determination cloaked her fear and resignation that her life was up to her. EYE blinks as mist covers her sight and her heart moves out to a surly teenage girl that still occasionally visits the body of a grandmother.
MY (so gently):
This happens to so many young people who have to forge their own pathway from an early age. In many ways, it is a gift, but it often evokes an anxious attachment to independence. Now, free will is something unique to humanity and crucial to your ability to learn and grow, so free will in and of itself is a positive energy. But when it becomes defended, as it did in your case, it can create a barrier, or an instinctive defense, to anything that impinges upon it. I see you are smiling,
ME: So, what you are really saying is that I am not good at being told what to do.
MY: Well, are you?
EYE senses the atmosphere lighten and ME shimmers with acknowledgement. She sees that young girl, softer now as an adult and with children of her own. She also sees the fierceness of her love for her children, a lioness who would kill for her cubs.
ME: Nope, absolutely not.
MY: Then you can understand why thoughts of spirituality would repel a headstrong teenager who is making her way in the world. But, I think your fear now is whether you remained too headstrong for too long and so ignored the voice of your soul. Am I right?
ME: Yes. I look back over most of my adult years, which were driven by independence and stubbornness. Not that I was overly ambitious, but at first because of my fear of survival, then later to provide stability for my family. But on reflection, these qualities came to define me.
Facing redundancy in my mid-fifties was horrifying. Although I realized that I was rarely relaxing in the home we worked so hard for because I was working long hours, either to pay the bills or to make good the deficit in my education.
So, yes, I am wondering if all the time I have been busy surviving have I also been fulfilling my purpose in life, or have I missed the point?
MY: Do you think there is one point, or are you asking if it is too late to fulfill your purpose at this stage of your life?
ME: No, I don’t think there is one point to life, but I do wonder about the purpose of life more generally. Most of my life has consisted of stumbling around in the dark, clinging onto perilous cliff edges by my fingertips, falling, limping, and walking blindly forward. I have met some extraordinary people along the way, made mistakes, taken meaningless detours, and made some enemies in the process.
MY: That’s a fair summary, I would say, so if there was one consistent theme, what would it be?
EYE blinks as ME engages with the carpet, her rebellious teenager now calms within her, ponderous almost as she considers her answer. A word comes to mind, but she dismisses it with a shake of her head.
ME: (after a long pause)
It would be the exploration of love, losing trust in it, feeling unworthy of it, finding it, and sharing it. It has been so painful at times yet seems to provide the foundation for everything else. When I became a grandmother for the first time it was as if all the rest of the journey had become worthwhile. All the pain, the heartache, the lost friendships, the failed projects, all of them faded into the background because here was the continuity of life, the true gift of love.
EYE sees ME fill with Light, a radiance surrounds her now.
MY: What makes you think that the exploration of love is not the purpose of life? You heard that answer in your head but dismissed it, was that not the voice of your soul?
ME: Because it is too simple, too fundamental, too mundane. It’s not exactly changing the world, is it?
MY: What has been simple about your journey so far? What is mundane about knowing yourself to be worthy of love and sharing that with others? Do you really think the world can be changed without people changing themselves or accepting and sharing love?
I am not talking about romantic, sentimental, love. I am talking about universal spiritual Love, which temples, cathedrals, mosques, and sanctuaries are built to honor. Countless times across the world seek to elucidate and remind us that every living being, and the planet itself, is sacred and born from Love.
Sometimes you have to lose love in order to recognize its true value. If you have nothing to compare love with, then how do you not take it for granted, or squander it on things that can never return it? Your world is full of things that glitter and distract but leave the heart empty. Why? Because everyone has the light of Love within them, and they recognize it when they see it reflected in the world.
How long did it take for you and your husband to commit to one another? One week, some fifty years ago. Why? Because the Light of Love and the voice of your souls were singing in harmony, and you had your ears and hearts open.
ME (eyes moist with emotion):
True, but it was not easy, it was a struggle on so many levels. Most were the everyday challenges that life brings, but some were invisible, like subterranean faults in our landscape that shifted our centre of gravity more than once. Shifted it, towards the spiritual and a different perspective on life, one that was cemented through meditation, prayer, and belief.
MY: And do you have regrets about these shifts and your choice to accept them?
ME: Absolutely not, although I suspect the initiator was my soul, and my personality had to catch up.
MY: Indeed it was, and long before you were born.
ME: I do regret taking the time I did to cooperate and understand that there was a bigger picture. The fears engendered in my childhood took a long time to overcome, and I was very reluctant to give up my self-reliance. I regret the time I spent arguing and pursuing my own free willregardless.
MY: All important, life-changing shifts, require sacrifice. Not of animals, or your autonomy or life savings, but of your anxious attachment to free will. A precious gift and one you used well, but whose dominance became a barrier to you accepting Love. Without accepting you are Loved, how can you explore and share love yourself?
EYE watches as ME nods in agreement, and sees her flood with emotion. Visibly moved, ME sits in silence and EYE sees her flood with a mixture of pride and gratitude. Gratitude for having survived and pride in being alert enough to accept the shifts when they came. The radiance within the room strengthens and peace settles and dances in the sunlight.
MY: (very softly):
You are not alone in your attachment to personal autonomy and self-reliance, indeed any soul who has incarnated into life with a spiritual purpose relies upon the ability of the self to take initiative. The soul, after all, has no hands, arms, or voice. Strange as it may seem its acceptance as an equal partner, you might say, leads to a different kind of freedom and independence of thought because there is the comfort of its presence.
Now, I don’t need to tell you how subtle that is and how it fragile it can appear, and that is partly because it is non-directional in detail, but not in purpose. So, it is content when you apply your unique spirituality to all aspects of your life, from the very mundane to those more clearly accepted as being spiritual. The Light of Spirit shines equally on all things, even those that mankind considers unworthy or shameful, for that is how they are released into Love.
ME falls silent and MY stays still but close by. EYE watches unblinking, it is as if there is a waterfall in the center of the room and the words are tumbling down into a pool of peace which is absorbing everyone’s attention.
ME (through moist eyes):
Thank you. At the end of the day, I seem to have made the journey to my soul more complicated and treacherous than it ever needed to be, how hard can it be to accept unconditional love?
MY: As difficult as it needs to be for you to come to trust it. Have you not learned more from the difficult passages of your life than the easy ones? Are you not proud of the times when you showed tenacity, or let go of something precious that had outlived its usefulness?
I know you are, I see it in you, and so do others, and that is because it is now contained within the Light that is your signature, you might say. It is a support to others who are struggling in the same way, invisible to the human eye but not to their soul. That is why it is not a given, it has to be worked for, and that work will continue until you take your last breath.
EYE watches these last few words fall like Koi Carp slipping gracefully into the pool of peace, their colors shimmering on the surface before they disappear into the depths. Everyone knows that there is no more to be said today, and so life started to fill the space with all its demands and promises.
© ZD Finn 2024
Finn runs a healing and meditation practice in London, publishes her own inspired journals, and offers mentoring to those seeking to strengthen their own soul connection.
More information can be found on zdfinn.com and some of the terms and my use of capitals are explained in my Lexicon.
