How to Spend Time With Toxic Family (and Not Get Drained)
3 tips for keepin’ high vibes.
Many of us who’ve had challenging childhoods limit our exposure to certain relatives.
We have good reasons for staying away. We limit our exposure to them because we wonder whether they will erupt into emotional, or even physical, violence. Or, perhaps their vibrational field is quite low, which can feel draining to be around.
However, even if our family members feel rather toxic, there are still (sometimes) good reasons to spend time with them. Maybe we want to cultivate forgiveness. Or make amends. Or perhaps they are ill, and we wish to alleviate their suffering through our simple presence.
Whatever the reason, if you are called to spend time with challenging characters, here are three ways you can protect yourself.
(By the way…if, for whatever reason, you do not feel called to spend time with them — that is perfectly fine too! Listen to your heart’s wisdom.)
1. Give yourself permission to get triggered
Before your visit, spend some time in quiet contemplation and give yourself a permission slip to feel whatever emotions may arise within you.
A few years ago, I was speaking with my teacher Ram Dass, telling him about my struggles with PTSD and the intense feelings that often erupt around my mother. I said, “Ram Dass, I’m so ashamed. Sometimes I hate her.” I will never forget what he said to me then. “That’s okay, Anya. Love yourself when you hate her.”
That wise guidance has helped me tremendously. I now walk into family gatherings feeling compassion and love for myself — no matter what.
I come first.
Whatever arises will arise, and my only aim in that situation is to love myself. While I’m near my relatives, my job is not to “save” anybody — not even my mother. My only job is to simply be there and love myself as ferociously as I possibly can.
2. Visualize a healing, protective light
When you arrive and greet your family member(s), immediately begin to bathe yourself in bright white light.
Imagine this light emanating from the heavens above and absorbing into your crown chakra (top of your head). As Gayle Kurtzer-Meyers writes, the crown chakra is the seat of kind thoughts and actions.
Imagine the light then swirling down your neck, shoulders, and then throughout the rest of your body.
There are many names for this healing light; this life force energy. In India, it is known as prana. In Japan, it is known as Reiki. In China: chi.
Hold this light within your mind as continuously as possible while you spend time with your family. If you feel yourself dipping into negativity, simply recall this image.
3. Repeat an affirmation
Repeat words of love to yourself through the entirety of the visit.
Choose a phrase that brings you feelings of confidence and self-love. It could be a simple “I love you [fill in the blank with your name],” or it could be the compliment “You’re strong” or “You’re beautiful” or “You’re wise.”
Note: It’s a good idea to frame your affirmation as, for example, “You are strong” rather than “I am strong.” When we direct our compliments to ourselves in this way, it is extremely powerful, as the mind interprets the information as flowing from a wise, protective, external source, almost like a feeling of a kind parent watching over us. This brings deep relaxation to the nervous system.
Select your affirmation beforehand, and repeat it continuously within your mind during the visit. You might even take a few bathroom breaks or short walks outside alone and say it aloud.
Bottom line: Using this affirmation works as a protective shield. It will raise your vibratory field and make it difficult (if not impossible) for energy vampires to feed upon you.
(Not sure what energy vampires are? Here’s a great article on the topic.)
Being the Vibration of Love
When you first attempt these practices, you might feel a little self-conscious and strange. You might feel like you are ignoring your family by placing too much focus on yourself! This might lead to feelings of guilt.
I urge you to release the guilt. Know that it is absolutely vital to spend the bulk of your energy focused on self-care practice while dealing with people who tend to trigger you.
Be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can in an incredibly difficult situation!
When there’s been abuse or trauma in your past, take care of yourself first. During tender times of healing, the balance of your attention must be geared more in your direction.
In other words, it’s good to cultivate forgiveness towards those who’ve acted unconsciously toward you — however, this process takes time and cannot be rushed. As long as you feel drained by someone, then you must prioritize yourself in those situations.
It’s okay if you get triggered. It’s okay if you get sad.
It’s okay if you can’t engage in too much conversation because you are absorbed by your affirmation.
It’s okay if you drift off into daydreams because you’re so deeply occupied with visualizing the light.
It’s okay if you need to leave the gathering early.
Let your family think about whatever they want. Allow them to have their reactions.
Of course, if overt violence erupts, I urge you, dear friend, to exit the situation immediately!!
If you’re dealing with subtle energy vampirism, however, and you’re aiming to cultivate forgiveness or to aid your family in some way, you get to decide your boundaries for every interaction.
Ultimately, your goal is simply to BE in their presence, maintaining a sense of stability and self-love. That vibration is extremely healing for everyone!
In other words, you can help your family heal by modeling the solution.
A Highly Rewarding Path
By accepting your emotional reactions and triggers, whatever they may be, and by holding yourself in a protective light while speaking your affirmation, you will be able to have longer and more frequent visitations (if you so choose) with those characters from your life that have been historically difficult.
Speaking from personal experience, this has been the toughest yet most highly rewarding work I’ve ever done in my life. I see it as a precious initiation on the awakening path.
To stay present and conscious around people who have hurt us is not easy, but it is possible.
Ask for help from your spiritual teachers, visualize positive encounters, and relax, knowing that the Universe assists those who are willing to walk with humility and love.
