Messy Grieving
Steps and avenues to recover from loss at full capacity
At the age of 25, I was surprised one evening with the call no twenty-something mother ever thinks they will get. Just three short years later, I received the same phone call in regards to my new partner. One could easily assume that losing two partners to death has left me in a state of despair, but it has not.
The academic community presents us with the Kübler-Ross model of the five stages of grief. These stages are denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. While the list may be helpful for identification purposes, insightful, comforting, and correct, it is not always useful for answering the question, How do I get through this.
I refer to the process I took as messy grieving. I allowed my process to span across multiple modalities, schools of thought, and tactics. Messy also referrers to unrestricted. I had to loosen my perceptions, expectations, and interpretations to allow myself the room to grieve freely and at full capacity.
Grief is not a clean-cut description with a small generic instruction on the bottom. They could not write a list to describe the unpredictable whirlwind and electric waves of emotions that circulate through us during times of grieving. I imagine if they did, it would be the psychology community’s version of Pi, a never-ending number of possibilities.
I had the benefit of experience with therapeutic exercises when I was thrust into the process of grieving. My reaction was quick because I understood the importance of healing from trauma and the negative long term impact no action could have. Today, I have an acceptance for the death of my partners and here is how I got there —
1. Ownership of circumstances
A simple step, I stopped and acknowledged what was happening.
My husband is dead. This is a new fact about my life. This is permanently my truth.
This reaction comes from the method of mindfulness and is the bridge for grounding techniques.
“Mindfulness can be defined as, nonjudgmental attention to present-moment experiences’ and is thought to comprise several complex processes, including attentional control, emotion regulation, and self-awareness.”(Paulus, 2015)
I also used this practice while in labor with my son:
Ten minutes after arriving at the hospital, I was struck with the worst physical pain I had ever felt in my life. The pain stopped — until the swelling of agony swallowed my body again just minutes later. I was experiencing my first intense contractions. After contraction three, I took the opportunity during the period of calm to stop, breathe, and talk with myself. What I said was:
This is happening. It’s not going to stop until it’s over. Stay calm. I am just going to have to do this.
The result was that in my three-hour wait for an epidural, I didn’t have another painful contraction. Not one. Heavy meditation in the delivery room helped too, but it was the first moment of acknowledgment that brought on my calm.
This description of pain is also very fitting for what happens emotionally in the early days of grieving. Worst physical pain, worst emotional pain, but the same reaction. Unfortunately, no one is coming to give an epidural to numb the push through grief, so it requires some more effort.
2. Grounding in circumstance
This step was brief as well and immediately followed the first. I acknowledge my situation, but I also gained some commitment to what it meant and how I was to proceed.
I am a grieving widow now. I am devastated but I have the right to grieve. I have little motivation but I am going to grieve properly. I am going to begin my process now and not stop until I am healed.
The popular school of psychology that pairs mindfulness and grounding is Dialectical Behavior Therapy. My first step, ownership, would be classified as the observing portion of mindfulness under DBT. I directed my attention directly to the issue at hand with a refusal to waver from the truth of the present. Grounding differs from mindfulness in that it brings an individual into focus with their senses.
“Grounding is a particular type of coping strategy that is designed to “ground” you in, or immediately connect you with, the present moment.
Grounding techniques often use the five senses — sound, touch, smell, taste, and sight — to immediately connect you with the here and now.” (Tull, 2019)
Grounding in DBT is classified under the skills category of distress tolerance, mindfulness is considered its own category of various skills.
Grounding allowed me to put myself in touch with my emotional reality of the present and the sensations and urges that followed. Grounding also broadened my awareness of emotional concerns that needed my attention. Mindfulness and grounding can be practiced continuously in the grieving process as new phases develop.
3. Renounce self-harm and destructive behavior
Some of the thoughts that haunted me following my husbands’ death were of the darkest I had ever experienced. I would not have guessed that I could come up with some of the visions for coping that I did.
A former therapist taught me the following procedure for excusing destructive behavior:
Negate the thought
I made the decision that no alcoholic beverage, drug, harm to others or injury to self was going to fix my predicament. When these thoughts happened, I essentially told myself, “no!” Then provided proof for why it was not a right or helpful strategy. It does not have to be a groundbreaking con; anything that halts a destructive process is correct.
After my own training, I understood this step is derived from the school of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This method focuses on the rewiring of the thinking process to change behaviors.
Call someone
Call a family member, friend, therapist, or hotline. Be as honest about the predicament as you can. If the situation is an emergency and you can’t reach anyone, going to your local emergency room is always an option.
The method of communication between peer and professional support is a popular avenue amongst peer support organizations and professional therapies. As a certified peer coach, I have first hand witnessed the impact having a reliable support system can have not just for myself but for clients as well.
Distract
Finding healthy activities to participate in is key for the entire process, not just moments of crisis. I didn’t always want to engage in activities during intense periods of grief; it took some force. Journaling proved to be a constructive solitary activity for me, but there are many other options like reading, crafts, television, and other hobbies.
Social activities like engagement in peer support meetings or outings with friends are imperative for stepping outside of grief. If being around others was not an option, I found that solitary activities outside of the house worked as well.
4. Begin the process
Sloppily compile your senses, un-restrict your fears, respectfully embrace your troubles, hope for the best, and proceed with no shame!
What an individual requires can take many different forms.
Learn what you need
I was true to what I knew I needed to do. My main avenue for the self-help portion of my recovery was talking with others and private journaling. There are many other avenues for stress release. Physical exercise, meditation, and a healthy diet are continuously listed at the top as essential additives in times of high stress.
Professional help and peer support
I reached a point in my grieving process that I had to seek the help of a professional and a peer-driven self-help group. For me, the professional was a therapist and psychiatrist. Religious and spiritual professionals can also be useful contacts and resources. There is no shame in any path. There is no shame in needing professional help. Do what is right for you!
Everything works in balance. The social griever learns to isolate, while the isolated griever learns to ask for help. A support group is built between professionals and peers. Activities include social and solitary. All are necessary.
5. Forgive the people and relinquish expectation
No one knows how to react to death. It makes for many awkward moments and conversations. Expect that your expectations will not be met. Grieving will be a much more serene process with the understanding that nobody will say or do the “right” thing. This is because there is no “right” words or action to take all the pain away. Death is unfortunate and outside of our control. The process of grief works best when we excuse others for their inability to cure it entirely for us.
“It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody”
When people would mumble their words looking for the “right” things to say, I would reassure them that I did not expect them to have the words but appreciated their effort. When people looked stressed at a loss of what to do for me, I reminded them their support was enough.
“If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed.”
6. Clean up the routine, but never stop growing
Rolling in the nitty-gritty of the grieving process is life-changing, but so is the clean-up. This is where resilience begins.
Life goes on, go with it
Responsibilities still exists. You still have to do your “things,” Take it slow, but do them. You have to go back to work when they tell you, you have to care for your children, and you have to take care of yourself.
Set limits
Engaging in a behavior that was not conducive to my long term recovery became destructive if I practiced it for too long.
There was a span when I hadn’t left the bed for much of a day. A friend of mine assertively told me on that day: “you have 24 more hours to lay here, and then we are going and doing something!” I didn’t argue with her because I knew she was right. I had no responsibilities in that 24 hours, and my mind was stable enough that I wasn’t going to do anything harmful at that time. It was an appropriate boundary for my situation. I had to set others with myself as well.
Knowing your limits and setting boundaries is imperative. The above circumstance can be reversed to participating in too much socialization to avoid negative feelings of grief. Everything works in balance. I took to the 8 dimensions of wellness to ensure I was encompassing all the aspects of a healthy life.
In the beginning, my focus was on ensuring my emotional, physical, spiritual, and social health. I incorporated the other categories as they became necessary or appropriate.
Goals and Priorities
In the early days, the goals and priorities were simple. I reduced them to simple tasks, basic self-care, and immediate responsibilities. Basic hygiene, immediate household concerns, eating, and contact with close friends and family were always a must. I continuously assessed my situation and made changes to my routine as needed. Setting goals for future days or hours can also prove useful.
Scheduling
After losing my second partner, I was blessed with two weeks of bereavement from work. Having been seasoned to the chaos of grief, I knew the importance of staying on track. Scheduling out days and weeks is a tool I also often use with clients who seem to be caught in an unmanageable cycle. Scheduling helps space out menial responsibilities and tasks and makes time for recovery-oriented activities seem more manageable.
7. Celebrate the strides
When you or another person recognizes the progress you are making, celebrate it! Treat yourself or allow yourself something a little extra. It does not have to be anything fancy, just a perk to your routine.
8. Forgive yourself
As humans, we are not perfect, so no journey we embark on will ever be perfect. There will always be setbacks and bumps in the road. The process of grief will not be easy, and we are not always willing to participate in the recovery process. The key is to keep an open mind, listen to professionals and support people, trust your instincts, and keep the intent for progress. When you fall short, forgive yourself and keep pushing forward! Celebrate the try and know tomorrow is another day.
9. Find the positive, and you’ll have your reasons
This is the most challenging step, but I assure you it is possible. Finding the positives in tragedy is no small feat. This is a spiritual step. You do not have to come from dogma to enact a spiritual task or search for the positive in the circumstances. The most powerful principle I found that surpasses all lines of spirituality is gratitude. Regular recognition for what we are thankful for reverts the mind to a positive space. Gratitude inspires appreciation for all of life, both good and bad.
Eventually, with the starting point of gratitude, I was able to examine my situation and find valid reasons for why my life turned the ways it did. People often exclaim to me, “ I can’t believe this happened to you twice!” — I honestly answer them, “I can.”
Today, I have a general understanding and appreciation for the why. It is not a permanent state, but the majority of my days, I wouldn’t want my life to be any other way then it is presently.
10. Expect the unexpected
Grief is ever-changing and evolving. I began writing this article in the summer of 2019. One day, I suddenly realized I had to stop. I told my partner I had concluded that I did not know enough about the grieving process to continue writing with integrity. This revelation caused me to re-examine my process from the loss of my first husband. Through peer support and self-reflection, I realized new aspects of my loss had begun to stir up emotional trauma and was effecting my daily life and relationships. I had more to grieve, so I did.
11. Share your experience.
Again, grief is an endless number of possibilities. I don’t pretend to have the whole formula written. There are many therapies, support organizations, hobbies, spiritual solutions, and self-help methods to utilize. Acceptance has to be nurtured with continuous maintenance to uphold its extreme state.
The final piece to the puzzle of grief is to share your strength, experience, and wisdom with others. The power of unity brings about profound healing for all involved. Helping the person new to the grief process will be your most significant source of strength for the maintenance of your process.
The purest human action is passing positive knowledge and service onto the next person. It perpetuates the positive cycle of living together in the human condition.(Culver, 2019)
