While browsing Medium yesterday, I encountered an article titled “Things I’m ashamed of” As I read the author’s candid reflections on her struggles, I found myself resonating with her experience. Like her, I’ve carried a lot of things I am ashamed of but never shared them with anyone. Inspired by her openness, I felt compelled to consider sharing my own journey on Medium.
I have many things that I feel ashamed of across various aspects of my life. Writing about all of them would be overwhelming. Today, I want to focus more on the aspects of my character or personality that I am ashamed of.
Here they are: five things I’m ashamed of.
I am a people pleaser
Oh, I hate to admit it. I’ve never said this to anyone, let alone admitted it. Although my partner has pointed it out a couple of times, I’ve always denied it. Of course, deep down, I’ve known it all along.
If you’ve read this, you’ll understand how my father’s influence shaped my personality, making me someone who seeks validation from others and fears letting people down.
I’m the type of person whose happiness often depends on others being happy. If you’re happy, then I’m good with whatever’s going on. Like, when my friends and I go out to eat, I’m always the one saying “Yeah, I’m cool with whatever.” even if deep down, I’m not thrilled about the restaurant choice.
And I’m that guy who just can’t say “no” to anyone or anything. I’m always worried about letting people down, whether it’s at work or in everyday life.
Even worse, I hate it when people apologize to me. It might sound weird, but if we’re arguing and you come back later saying you went too far, it hits me hard. Even if I’m mad at you, hearing you admit your mistake makes me start blaming myself and feeling like I’m the bad guy.
I am bad at socializing
In my last post, I mentioned having social phobia. Crowded events, like weddings or funerals, even going out to dinner with colleagues, can make my heart race. I struggle with socializing. I never know what topics to bring up or how to start a conversation. Often, my mind goes blank. Even when I manage to think of a topic, conversations fizzle quickly, and we fall into silence. It’s a nightmare.
To make matters worse, I find it difficult to maintain eye contact when speaking. My gaze wanders, and I struggle to focus. It’s unsettling. Even if I consciously tried to meet the other person’s gaze, my eyes would quickly lose focus again. It was frustrating.
In those moments, all I wanted was to go home. I find peace in the comfort of my home, where I can be with my partner and my cat. Whether we’re watching a movie or cooking together, it’s where I feel most at ease.
I have an escapist personality
I’ve been a big fan of fantasy since I was a child. I loved hearing fantasy stories from people and imagining myself as the main character. As I got older, I found myself drawn to fantasy-themed movies. I don’t know if you agree, but, to me it’s a form of escapism.
Besides, I always escape from heavy topics. They make me uncomfortable. Even when I’m in unpleasant situations, my brain always finds a way to focus on joyful things and block out the unpleasant ones. For instance, if I have an exam coming up tomorrow and I haven’t fully prepared, I’ll definitely feel anxious. However, soon after, my brain starts thinking about the good things that will happen after the exam, like binge-watching a series or going out to travel. This is also how I manage to sleep at night. If I find myself in an unpleasant situation, my brain automatically shifts my focus to positive thoughts instead of dwelling on the current emergency.
In certain situations, like making life decisions with my partner, I tend to avoid and delay making decisions. Additionally, when faced with unpleasant situations, such as arguments with others, I often find myself wanting to retreat and seek solace in sleep.
I have a bad temper
Yes, I’m a people-pleaser with a bad temper — quite the contradiction! Especially with those close to me, I sometimes lack patience. During arguments, I often find myself unable to resist saying hurtful things, even though I know they’re inappropriate before I say them. Afterwards, I’m consumed with guilt and self-blame.
Additionally, I have a tendency towards cold violence. Even though I don’t want to, after conflicts, I often find myself resorting to cold, distant behavior towards the other person.
I am a listener
Lastly, I’ve decided to include this in the category of “Things I’m ashamed of.” It struck me when I stumbled upon someone who wasn’t happy with their “listener” attributes on Quora, seeking methods to fix it. This made me realize that being a “listener” can sometimes be seen as a weakness. Yet, I’ve been a listener my whole life.
I’m a quiet person, especially in conversations. I’ve mentioned I’m not good at socializing, which might explains it. Whether it’s with my parents, my partner, or my friends, I often find myself listening more than speaking. Sometimes, I try to start a topic, but it always seems to turn back to theirs.
I used to think this was a strength of mine, until I came across that topic on Quora. It made me reflect and realize that while it might be a strength for the people I’m talking to, it’s a weakness for myself. I’m suppressing my own desire to speak. Of course, there are times when I want to express myself, but I often choose to stay silent and be a listener.
Here they are, five things that I’m ashamed of. I’ve never admitted them in real life, but today, I shared them on Medium. Since I joined Medium, I’ve found that there are always people who can resonate with my feelings and experiences. So, I’m getting more confident about sharing things here. I hope that if you have similar concerns or resonate with the things I mentioned today, or even if you have different thoughts, you are more than welcome to leave a gentle comment.
