I’m Sorry, We’re out of the Rational Discourse. Can I Interest You in Some Political Tweetstorms?
Satire ahead!
The Ambrose Light’s restaurant review today highlights a new restaurant that has opened up in Bay Ridge. However, before even ordering, our reviewer experienced poor service, absurd menu items, and more. See the full exchange below:
Good evening, thank you for waiting. My name is David, and I will be your server. Would you like to see the menu? We have a wide variety of issues to choose from. That 311 could be used for nefarious purposes? Maybe using illegal conversions as a mask to cover your displeasure with immigration? No? Well, we also have numerous options at the raw emotions bar if you’d like…
The Rational Discourse? Oh… I’m sorry. We actually are fresh out of it at the moment. Perhaps I can interest you in some political tweetstorms instead?
Ah, well, we haven’t been getting much call for the Rational Discourse of late, and our chef has decided it’d be best to retire the dish in favor of some more comfortable dishes that cater to the local palate. Simpler, less textured, easier to prepare, heavier on the outrage. You understand, I’m sure.
Forgive me, but I noticed you were looking at the plate on the table next to you. That’s one of our specials tonight, feigned outrage over issues that barely pertain to your neighborhood. It pairs exceptionally well with yelling at can collectors, which was race-baited in the wild and brought in from Sunset Park this morning. We also have some conspiracy theories… though I must warn you, we don’t cook them rare. They are, in fact, increasingly common.
If you don’t like red meat, we can offer you up some superb word salad. Be sure to consume it quickly, though, some of the roughage is liable to block the windpipe… but don’t worry, we have some excellent staff on hand to assist in case you choke.
But enough of such dour talk. Perhaps you’d like to start with the wine menu? I have multiple reds, though to be fair we don’t like to market them that way, so let’s just keep that between you and me. All of our whites are absolutely wonderful… though, very fine on all sides. Hmm, no, we don’t have any Yellow Wines or Tawny Ports, now that you mention it. They aren’t local enough, you see, and we are very much about terroir here.
Beer? Oh no sir, certainly not. We have certain demographics to maintain.
I see you still require some time. I will come back, though perhaps I can start you off with some disassociated facts and statistics while you wait? Or perhaps you’d like to skip straight to dessert… a Half-Baked Alaska topped filled incoherent ice-cream truck rants?
Your fork is dirty, you say? No sir, I assure you, it’s clean and not under investigation. We pride ourselves on cleanliness here, no dirty tricks, I assure you.
Leaving so soon?
Well, we are sorry to lose you as a customer, and wish you a good day. But please, if you are ever in the mood for some cuisine that is filling but devoid of nutritional content, you are always welcome at Quaglione’s!
Our Rating: Zero Stars. Undercooked issues, poor menu selection, unwelcoming atmosphere, high prices out of line with the neighborhood, waitstaff were loud and inconsistent, owner barely understands his own job. Unlikely to stay open for another day.
