Fiction-Checking the District 43 City Council Debate at Xaverian
*Satire ahead!*
Join The Ambrose Light as we fiction-check the latest City Council debate between John Quaglione, Justin Brannan and Bob Capano. Who was lying? Who is telling the truth? Will the moderator ever actually moderate? Was the whole thing a trap, complete with a secret chute that failed to deploy beneath Justin Brannan’s seat and which led to a pit of rabid NIMBY-addled squirrels? Learn all these answers and more. Feel free to share the clips on social media.
■ Ice Cream Trucks Are a Menace
Bob Capano and John Quaglione both claim that Ice Cream Trucks are a menace to 86th street, and that if people stand next to them for extended periods, they will literally die.
True!
Ice Cream Trucks are what is wrong with this country. To quote Quaglione, the conditions on 86th street are “aplorable.” There are mounds of trash stacked waist-deep outside every single street cart, which Quaglione refers to as “teenagers”. Ice Cream Trucks are even worse, as children aged five to eleven stand shuddering all day fresh off their sugar-highs, teeth rotten and dislocated from eating the hard gumball eyes off their “pops”. By 12pm, allowances for the week blown, these kids willfully stand in the fumes of these gas-guzzling frozen treat purveyors, hoping for a one last toxic buzz as they dangle of the precipice of passing out.
The danger is not only to our youth: Quaglione claims that the Ice Cream Trucks also block citizens from idling their cars nearby as they double-park to grab a bagel. When questioned on whether he supports bike lanes to reduce emissions in the neighborhood, Quaglione disappeared in a puff of hypocrisy.
■ Quaglione Is On Leave from Marty Golden’s Office
When the candidates were asked if they were currently being funded by taxpayers while running for office, both Bob Capano and Justin Brannan said “no”. Quaglione said that he was “on leave” from Marty Golden’s office. Is he?
False!
It is well known that the blood-bond is too strong. You can never leave Marty Golden. Even death is not an escape from his influence. In fact, it is only the beginning. Quaglione would never, ever give up the eternal gifts that Martin J. Golden cruelly bestows.
■ Be Nice To Trump, Or You’ll All Drown
Quaglione claims that Gov. Cuomo and Mayor de Blasio, by “kicking Trump in his rear end”, risk having the President of the United States withhold Army Corps Of Engineers funding for necessary hurricane protection. Thus, any eventual deaths will be squarely the shoulders of de Blasio and his cronies.
True!
As we have seen from the Federal Government’s handling of Puerto Rico, this is incredibly likely. Quaglione has astutely realized that Donald Trump, who Quaglione would unreservedly vote for again, is the kind of person who would vindictively blackmail a city of 8.5 million people and threaten their lives unless their elected officials were nicer to him. The only thing standing between us and certain doom is Quaglione’s beneficent pliability.
■ Homeless People Lack Sandwiches, Not Homes
John Quaglione claims that the real problem the homeless face in Bay Ridge is that they make people feel sad. The best way to tackle this issue, which he has passed on to his daughter, is to give them sandwiches and hand them money. Quaglione would make it mandatory to buy homeless people sandwiches.
Partially True.
Quaglione is only explaining what he currently does to alleviate homelessness, since being a spokesperson for an elected official his entire life has limited his opportunities to truly speak out on the issue. As City Councilman, he will propose a mandatory law that will force all citizens to, upon seeing a homeless person, go out and buy them a house, and fill it with sandwiches just to be sure.
■ We Need Less Enforcement and a Pathway for Illegal Cigarettes to Gain Citizenship
Responding to the “rampant” illegal cigarette market in New York City, Bob Capano cited the high numbers of cigarettes entering the neighborhood and suggested that the solution is not to increase enforcement or to eject these cigarettes, but to reform the unfair laws that encourage cigarettes to make dangerous, illegal journeys onto our shores.
True!
Bob Capano is, shockingly, accurate in his assessment on how to fairly address illegal cigarettes in our neighborhood. Increasing enforcement and demonizing cigarettes for their means of seeking a better life is counterproductive. Many cigarettes come from states suffering from long, drawn-out conflicts involving anti-smoking ordinances. It can take up to ten years for some cigarettes to legally enter the state, if at all, separating tightly-knit packs into “loosies”. Focusing our anti-smoking efforts on education, health-care access, and tolerance is both the moral and economically sound thing to do. Even illegal cigarettes contribute millions of dollars toward the economy of the city.
■ People From The Banana Republic Are Destroying 86th Street
Citing “declining demographics” John Quaglione has made it clear that our local shopping areas are at risk of total destruction due to an influx of people surging out of the Banana Republic. These unwanted shoppers are causing unwanted, seedy stores to pop up, such as GAPs, TJ Maxxes, and Targets.
True!
John Quaglione is accurate in his assessment that people from the Banana Republic are overwhelmingly poor, coming to this country with just the $70 stretch Chinos and $100 Merino Wool sweaters on their backs. Donald Trump’s immigration bans do not bar these specific unskilled migrants from this country. Quaglione is the only candidate who would put a permanent ban on people from the Banana Republic in order to save the decent, god-fearing folk who attend such desirable, high-end stores as Nothing Fits!, Century 21, and Chipotle. Quaglione is OK with allowing Wendy’s to stay open, however, as “the minimum-wage workers at all these high end stores probably need someplace to eat.”
■ The Mayor Has A Special-Ops AirBnB Squad That Doesn’t Listen To 311 Complaints
A n audience member claimed that de Blasio’s Special-Ops AirBnB squad tracked her down and used a neuralizer to erase her memories while implanting a chip within her skull. The problem with this, was that they had the wrong address, and by imposing on this woman’s life for ten minutes, the government should take action to refund her lost time.
Additionally, the complainant would like you to stop delivering pizzas to her house, and calls for a ban on pizza until we can figure out what the hell is going on.
True!
The Mayor does indeed have a special-ops Air BnB squad that operates in the shadows. Additionally, the city government does have a time-turner that can refund this woman the valuable lost minutes she is owed. However, the government is under no obligation to refund the rest of us the time lost listening to this question.
■ Quaglione Told the Brooklyn Eagle that Double-Parking Is Legal If You Are Buying a Bagel
A local citizen confronted John Quaglione over his comments to the Brooklyn Eagle that people should not be given double-parking tickets while purchasing bagels.
False!
Quaglione didn’t say this in the Brooklyn Eagle. He said it in a Facebook Video, as evidenced in the clip above. Further, Quaglione has made clear that double-parking is legal not only while acquiring delicious, delicious bagels, but pizza as well. Further, these foods are at risk of disappearing in New York if people are not allowed to double-park to purchase them.
Safety statistics back up the legality of double-parking while getting cliched New York foodstuffs, as cars generally become incorporeal and unable to cause harm to other drivers or cyclists in these instances, and their emissions drop to 3% of their usual levels.
■ Quaglione Does Not Organize Sexist Events
When confronted over his role as a spokesperson for Marty Golden when the latter proposed Ladies Etiquette classes, John Quaglione denied organizing these events. The events were proposed as a way of solving women’s pay inequity, reduced job prospects, and hiring discrimination, by encouraging women to be more ladylike and less mannish. They were subsequently canceled after constituent outrage.
True.
John had no role in organizing these events. He clearly does not have any organizational ability whatsoever. John Quaglione merely defended and endorsed the necessity of such events, since he has never been promoted to a role involving policy or legislation during his tenure at Golden’s office.
■ The Best Way to Solve School Overcrowding is To Deport Immigrant Children
A major element of John Quaglione’s campaign is his desire to know the exact number of children residing at each address in the district and what schools they go to. This is not, in any way, to collect their souls for evil rituals or to enact revenge upon them for their defiance. It is so that their families can be targeted for eviction due to living in an illegal conversion. This will solve our school overcrowding problem.
False!
The best way to solve school overcrowding is to steal children’s souls, which allows them to be jammed into classrooms 240% more efficiently. Soulless children fidget and complain less than “souled” children. However, stealing children’s souls by City Council candidates is not allowed under the current municipal charter. This power is exclusively delegated to the Board of Regents.
■ Nobody Is Addressing Rampant Leprosy in the 43rd District
Turning his back on his progressive and liberal allies, Justin Brannan ignored the suffering of local lepers. Justin’s ideas for getting politics out of the siting of homeless shelters will do nothing for local leper colonies or advance their agendas within City Hall.
Partially True.
No candidate running for City Council has any clear history of advocacy for the leprous. However, being considerably “holier than thou”, John Quaglione is assumed to be able to cure Leprosy by touch. Whether that cure involves miraculous healing or instantaneous deportation remains unclear.
■ Quaglione Has Never Met Dan Donovan In His Life
When asked about Dan Donovan’s recent house vote banning abortion after 20 weeks, despite promising to never do such a thing, Quaglione claimed “I have no idea who that is. He never endorsed me. Who is that? I don’t know who is that. He isn’t anyone, nobody, really. I’m not sure what you are talking about. Even if I did, how would I know about the only major vote he’s voted on in the past few months? How would I know if I never met him or talked with him about it when he didn’t endorse me because he doesn’t exist and if he did I never met him? Next question.”
True!
Dan Donovan is still trapped within a phone-booth on Hylan Boulevard, and there is no possible way for Quaglione to have met him in person without being viciously mauled by a pack of raccoons.
■ Plastic Bags Don’t Move
Bob Capano claims that Bill de Blasio’s “Everything That Does and Doesn’t Move” tax includes Plastic Bags. Unlike all other politicians, living and deceased, Capano’s extensive knowledge of a Gristedes on Roosevelt Island has uniquely prepared him for the numerous grocery-related challenges a politician faces on a daily basis.
Among the many examples his grocering wisdom has been Capano’s transcendent claim that plastic bags do not move.
False!
Wind. Capano’s experience with indoor grocery sales blinds him to the presence of wind when examining the apparent immobility of plastic bags. While Capano’s supermarket experience clearly qualifies him for not only City Council, but most Doctoral and Legal professions, the rosy-cheeked candidate still has alot to learn.
■ It’s Not Enough To Fill In Potholes
Justin Brannan claims that the role of a City Councilperson is not to simply “fill” potholes or erect stop signs, but to act as a vocal defender for those who are in the most danger and amplify their voices.
True!
Potholes must not merely be filled, but targeted with extreme, unrelenting prejudice. To call these quality-of-life issues small or unimportant betrays a deep ignorance about the Cthulhu-like elder god that dances in unseen space beneath the district, requiring a demonic tune cobbled from the incoherent ramblings of local Community Boards. To ignore these small issues brings on certain doom, because it dis-harmonizes the boards well-choreographed dance of inanity. We are relieved Justin Brannan acknowledges that he must be more vocal in our defense, lest reality be rent asunder by an unfeeling eternal child-god.
■ Quaglione Has Worked For Marty Golden for 400 Years
Justin Brannan made a bold statement that John Quaglione has worked for Martin J. Golden for four-hundred years, about five times an average adult’s lifespan barring supernatural intervention.
False!
While Marty Golden is at least 400 years old (most records can trace Marty Golden back, at furthest, to Finspång circa 1617), John Quaglione has only worked for him for 257 years.
■ Losing Federal Grants Due To Sanctuary City Policies “Isn’t Rocket Scientists.”
Bob Capano claims that “it isn’t rocket scientists” to eliminate our Sanctuary City policy in exchange for not losing $4 million dollars in Federal grants from the Trump administration.
True!
Not caving to federal blackmail isn’t, in fact, a group of highly intelligent aerospace engineers. Additionally, Capano is correct that the $4 million dollars in Federal Aid, as well as the $27 million he claims we spend on protecting illegal immigrants, is a massive amount of money (About 0.003% of the city’s budget, or approximately the cost of one renovated subway station). Clearly that’s enough to fund senior housing, the NYPD payroll, and new schools in the district.
■ The Real Tragedy of Homelessness is Having to Explain It to Your Kid
John Quaglione claimed that, as the only person with a child, and as the only person with the vaguest ability to even imagine the concept of a child, and the only person on stage who wasn’t desperately racking their brain to remember what the world ‘child’ means, the worst thing about the homeless was having your child see one.
True!
Quaglione explained that his child continually asks what homelessness means. The recurring nature of the question implies that Quaglione refuses to answer. This is proof that the inability to give voice to human compassion, a very unfamiliar and uncomfortable topic for most local residents, is the real tragedy here.
■ John Quaglione Doesn’t Understand Math
John Quaglione cited that for a 28 day period in May, petty larceny rose 19%, which meant that you had a 1 in 5 chance of being a victim of crime, i.e. a 19% increase equates to a 19% chance of being a victim. This is clearly false, because 68 instances of Petit Larceny (a 19% increase from 2016) out of 124,491 residents is 1 in 1,830. The issue is: does John Quaglione not understand how math works?
False!
John fully understands math. In this instance, he was merely lying. However, we fully understand that understanding numbers isn’t a very important skill for City Council members, since it’s not like they’ll ever need to manage the city’s budget or anything.
Would you like to listen to the unedited debate in it’s entirety? You can listen to the entire thing at Radio Free Bay Ridge.
If you have follow-up questions to the issues above, feel free to attend the Arab American Association’s City Council Debate on Tuesday, October 24th at IS 30 from 7:00pm to 9:00pm.
