Last-Minute Bay Ridge Costume Ideas (2022 Edition)

It’s All Hallows’ Eve, but you forgot to make a costume! Don’t worry, The Ambrose Light has you covered. Try these quick, cheap costume ideas that’ll be sure to give the neighborhood a fright… again!

Brian Fox

An easy-to-pull off look that’s all the rage among barely-employed “businessmen” who can’t land a job in stock trading due to rampant corruption in their former job.

What You’ll Need

• Red Fleece Vest: The fluffier the better. On a scale of “Lands End Catalog” to “Elmo”, get as close as you can to the latter.
• 3,391 receipts to Leo’s Casa Calamari: Ensure they are overflowing out of your pockets… but don’t lose them! You need them if you’re gonna get reimbursed out of your campaign funds.
• Bonus Points: Don’t actually trick or treat. Just kinda’ hang around 3rd avenue in an outdoor dining shed and let the people come to you!

Vito LaBella

Our up-and-coming (and down-and-out) State Senate Candidate for 2022! Just hope you don’t run into anyone who knew you when you were on that school board.

What You’ll Need

• A Shoe Covered In Fake Blood: Walk with a limp and complain constantly about how you just shot yourself in the foot.
• A Fishing Rod: So everyone knows you’d rather be on your yacht in Cape Cod.
• Bonus Points: Print out 2,000 copy-pasted responses about how your costume has been taken out of context and hurl them at everyone who has something snide to say. That’ll learn ‘em.

Andrew Gounardes

What You’ll Need

• A Trick-Or-Treat Bag Filled With Books: Obscure constitutional law books preferred, Civil War history acceptable. You might need to double-bag, if we’re being honest.
• About seventeen different district maps: We can’t keep them all straight but one of these has got to be official one.
• Bonus Points: When wearing this costume, anyone wearing an old Marty Golden costume will spontaneously self-combust and fizzle into ashes. Fun!

Anonymous Online Troll

These costumes require a bit more effort and a significant lack of anything better to do.

What You’ll Need

• Any Vintage Costume That Would Only Be Understood By Someone in their 70s: Eddie Munster, Charles Bronson, and Ward Cleaver are all good choices.
• Follow Someone Else: Since you don’t have any original thoughts of your own, be sure to follow someone else and ruin their night by shouting the phrase “Fester!” at the top of your lungs whenever they try to say something.
• Bonus Points: Go home and change costumes every few minutes while complaining loudly about how your previous costume got suspended by the communists over at Twitter.

A Die-Hard Attending A Rained-Out Street Festival

Nothing except the wrath of the lord himself will keep you from your sacred duty to ingest as many sausage and pepper sandwiches while listening to extremely-loud Bruce Springsteen cover bands and amateur karaoke.

What You’ll Need

• Way Too Many Novelty T-Shirts: It was the only place that was open, ok? And the prices were super-cheap.
• A Wet Zeppoli: Breaks your heart to look at, but still cost nine dollars.
• Bonus Points: Pack up and go home after trick-or-treating for about fifteen minutes. Who were you kidding?

Nicole Malliotakis

Ok, listen, we know that dressing as Nicole Malliotakis and then showing up in Brooklyn strains believability, and she’s never held a town hall or anything over here, but she’s gotta’ visit sometime, right?

What You’ll Need

• A Small Dog in a Peanut Costume: Was it burgled? Did you dog-nap it? Impossible to say when you don’t believe in fact-checking.
• A Cell-Phone Suspiciously Empty of Any Texts: That committee ain’t got nothing on you, you hear me? Nothing!
• Bonus Points: Loudly say you like every costume that has a rainbow on it while secretly writing legislation to ban it.
• Extra-Bonus Points: If you see any children counting their candy, declare their count illegitimate and hurl their candy in the garbage. If their parents confront you, say you merely had questions about the candy and that they’re misrepresenting your actions.

A Local Activist Who Still Remembers Marty Golden

Oh hey, didn’t know you were still going to rallies! I heard you found a better apartment out in Sheepshead Bay or some shit. No? Weird. Probably thinking of someone else. Anyway, how are you?

What You’ll Need

• A World-Weary Gaze: Be sure to draw heavy stress lines and wrinkles all over your face. You’ve been through some shit.
• A Protest Sign Carefully Worded for Reusability: Something like “We can’t take it anymore!” or “Unfair!”. Listen, sign-making parties were fun but then COVID happened, ok?
• Bonus Points: Ask everyone if they have a Zoom Pro account, since you’re pretty sure the organizing meeting is gonna go over 40 minutes.

The Ambrose Light is a satirical flight of fancy intended for comedy purposes only. Any references to real people, living or dead, is probably a tortured pun or metaphor and you should definitely get your real news from someplace else.