Last-Minute Bay Ridge Costume Ideas

*Satire ahead!*

It’s All Hallows’ Eve, but you forgot to make a costume! Don’t worry, The Ambrose Light has you covered. Try these quick, cheap costume ideas that’ll be sure to give the neighborhood a fright!

Marty Golden

Masquerade as the undying Marty Golden, local state senator! In order to pull off this costume, you’ll need to visit your local costume shop and make some minor additions using items from your house.

What You’ll Need

• A Scary Vampire Outfit: Grab any old Vampire outfit. Get one with teeth, a cape, and definitely a vest of some kind.
• A Lady's Etiquette Book: If, for some reason, you do not have a 17th century etiquette book outlining a lady’s proper role in society, take any radical feminist books you own and make a fake cover with a piece of construction paper.
• Bonus Points: Be sure to siphon all the nights candy into your family business! We recommend setting up a few shady offshore accounts in candy-friendly countries like Switzerland. Just don’t get investigated!
• Extra Bonus Points: Carry around a balloon filled with hot air. Tape some fun glasses onto it. You now have your loyal spokesman by your side!

Dan Donovan

Go as our embattled local Congressman, an oft-mentioned but equally unseen presence. Make sure to avoid any Grim Reapers while you are out and about, though!

What You’ll Need

• Toilet Paper and Dark Glasses: Wrap your entire head with toilet paper, making sure to leave holes to see through! Use dark sunglasses to hide your eyes from a vengefully ignored constituency.
• Flip-Flops: It might be cold outside, but be sure to wear flip-flops! Ideally, use patriotic American-Flag themed ones.
• Bonus Points: Don’t even go out at all! If anyone does see you, throw coffee in their face to facilitate your escape.

An Abandoned Storefront on 5th Avenue

Oh no, a sign of declining demographics and a return to the “bad old days”! Or maybe it’s just normal economic turnover in a competitive industry? However you choose to see it, it’ll be sure to give a deep, lingering sense of unease!

What You’ll Need

• A Padlock: Attach a padlock somewhere on your clothing.
• A Metric Shit-Ton Of Quaglione Campaign Signs: Use some glue to cover your entire body with Quaglione for City Council campaign signs. Congratulations, you now look like an abandoned Bay Ridge storefront!
• Bonus Points: Only wear clothing from a GAP or Banana Republic Outlet Store! You’ll be sure to make the aristocracy clutch their pearls and whisper about the shopping habits of the lumpenproletariat!

A CitiBike Rack

Go as one of the most feared bogeymen of the district! A vicious virus which spreads, instilling all who view it with unwarranted phobias and fears.

What You’ll Need

• A Cardboard Box and Grey Paint: Put a large, cardboard box painted grey around your body and cut an opening into the front that can accept a bike wheel.
• A Bike: Get a slightly used, probably broken bicycle. Firmly hold onto the front wheel of the bike it from within the box. Then, take up a parking space and only let go of the bike if someone gives you enough candy that you are convinced they are middle-class.
• Bonus Points: Give your community board multiple years notice, design your costume with multiple community engagement forums, then get the advice and blessing of local experts, politicians, and city agencies. This will not reduce how much people will hate your costume, though.

Justin Brannan

Go as your local Democratic City Council candidate! This costume is not only fun, but it can be sustainable and cruelty-free!

What You’ll Need

• 100% Organic White Shirt and Red Water-Based Markers: Make your own “Bay Ridge Cares” outfit with a used white shirt and a red marker. Be sure to donate it afterwards!
• Non-Permanent Water-Based Black Marker: Draw a bunch of tattoos all over your arms! Nothing too spicy, though… you are a socially conscientious punk rocker!
• Bonus: Make everything out of Organic Turnips: If you are a diligent CSA member, you’ll have these on hand! Simply shave the turnips with a small peeler and assemble the entire outfit out of fully biodegradable, cruelty-free vegetable peelings.

Nicole Malliotakis

Go as the pugnacious soon-to-be Staten Island Borough President!

What You’ll Need

• Gauze: Wrap your entire foot with a ton of gauze! Make sure you limp around a whole lot to complete the effect.
• Boxing Gloves : Put on a pair of boxing gloves. Mixed-Martial-Arts gloves are the most historically accurate. Remember to use some Duct Tape to permanently attach a can of Red Bull to the gloves!
• Bonus: Chase anyone over six-feet-tall while waving the can of Red Bull at them and accuse them of being asleep.

Bob Capano

Go as Reform Candidate for City Council, Bob Capano! Pretend to be a guy who’s pretending to be a political outsider! How meta.

What You’ll Need

• An Undying Suspicion Of People Different Than You: Not really a costume per-se, but trust me, it will instantly identify you as Bob Capano.
• A Plastic Bag: While trick-or-treating, be sure to put your candy in a tax-free plastic bag. Repeatedly point this out at every door you knock on.
• A Dog Whistle: To be honest, you can use a regular whistle. He isn’t all that subtle.
• Bonus Points: Ask a bunch of Guardian Angels wearing paramilitary uniforms to walk around and clap at everything you say! It’s not like they’ll have anything better to do, since crime is so low.

An R-Train “Scheduled Departures” Screen

Go as the highly-useful digital displays that announce when the R-Train is going to arrive! This one is easy.

What You’ll Need

• A Sheet of Blank Paper: Tape a big white sheet of paper horizontally onto your head, and write the largest amount of time you can think of on it.
• Bonus Points: Don’t even write on the paper! You are out of order.

A Time-Traveler From The Future (Ladies Only!)

Go as a future resident of Congressional District 11, who is time-travelling back to warn us about the upcoming 2018 election.

What You’ll Need

• A White Bonnet: If you don’t have a dehumanizing, blinders-like bonnet representing male oppression, you can make one with some fabric and posterboard!
• A Red Dress: Just wear a red dress, ideally a billowy one that looks like you are under the watchful, constant eye of our local Congressman.
• Bonus Points: Follow around someone dressed as Dan Donovan! You can even do this if it isn’t Halloween by getting in touch with CD11Handmaids@gmail.com.

A DSA Canvasser

Local residents were exposed to a ton of canvassers from the Democratic Socialists of America this election season! Send them a fun reminder of primary season with this costume by knocking on their doors again.

What You’ll Need

• Nothing! You simply need to knock on twice as many doors and acquire far more candy than anyone else who’s trick-or-treating tonight.
• Bonus Points: Donate all your hard-earned candy to a marginalized community, shocking the political establishment. Then get drunk with your friends at a local bar and talk about how you plan to reform Halloween into a more equitable holiday.

Subscribe to The Ambrose Light RSS Feed or visit us on Facebook to stay up to date!

Remember to vote on November 7th!