Thousands of Primary Voters Discover Their Ballots Blocked by Malliotakis
*Satire ahead!*
Thousands of Republican voters turned out to vote on Primary Day for Republican Mayoral Candidate Nicole Malliotakis, only to discover that they had been blocked by their own candidate. As they opened their ballots, a jarring audio cue played out of nowhere, and their ballots were immediately replaced with a warm index card printed with the words “Nicole Malliotakis Has Blocked You From Civil Discourse. Please contact the administrators of your Democracy to learn more.”
Poll workers explained to frustrated voters that their ballots would be invalidated, because their votes were precipitated on incomplete information which ran counter to the Democratic ideals of an informed electorate.
Attempts to vote for Malliotakis as a write-in resulted in the ballot being instantly shredded when inserted into the scanners and spat back out into the user’s face. “I don’t understand it.” said a frustrated voter who had emerged from his polling location in Bath Beach and who was nursing a series of paper-cuts. “I only once mentioned that I didn’t agree with her on deporting immigrants, and I didn’t even tag her… and now I find out she blocked me? I wanted a strong mayoral race, but how can conversations happen if she blocks people who don’t agree with her?”
Malliotakis, currently an elected Assemblywoman for the 64th District, daughter of immigrants, and possible vampire, has long been known to be highly vindictive in blocking constituents without the slightest provocation. When asked for a comment, the Malliotakis campaign claimed that there were no voting irregularities, and that she had won the primary with 100% of the votes cast, continuing her electoral winning streak. Attempts to follow up five minutes later were met with a pre-recorded message that The Ambrose Light had been placed on a call block.
Voters who wished to make an appeal to the New York Board of Elections were informed that Assemblywoman Malliotakis was not even on the ballot, since her medical handicap resulted in her being uncontested in the primary. A staffer at the Board of Elections reportedly directed upset voters to visit Malliotakis’s campaign headquarters, since all email directed to the campaign had been bouncing back marked as spam. The campaign offices are currently rented from KRE, LLC, the real-estate group run by the family of Donald Drumpfs son-in-law Jared Kushner, and is surrounded with a very large and beautiful wall.
We spoke to one voter attempting to climb the wall, Dr. Reginald Porter, who was preparing to make his third attempt in order to hand-deliver a letter: “I wanted to let Malliotakis know that I don’t support her stance on Sanctuary Cities. After realizing she put up a wall between herself and her constituents, I also wanted to point out how ironic it is that she’s in favor of a sanctuary from criticism, but not from deportation. Who’s the real snowflake here, am I right?”
As of press time, the Malliotakis campaign had sent out a press release that there is no need for constituents to contact Malliotakis whatsoever:
“We are very interested in hearing what our constituents have to say, but there is no need to contact us directly. Instead, we are happy to announce that Nicole is submitting a lawsuit against failed Bill de Blasio which demands the city release the private emails and social media messages of every resident in the five boroughs so she can see directly what they think. We care about privacy, as long as it’s our own.”
Primary Day is TODAY, September 12th! Polls are open until 9pm. Find your polling place here.
Many campaigns are offering assistance for voters, including ballot information and transit options. Contact them for more info, and learn more about what’s involved!
