After accident, Nicole Malliotakis left in state of permanent political negativity

*Satire ahead!*

Doctors today confirmed Nicole Malliotakis has been left physically incapable of any action other than hyperbolic criticism, also known as ‘slamming’. While the state assemblywoman and presumptive New York Mayoral candidate is capable of lower-level bodily functions such as breathing, blinking, and accepting funds from Breitbart bankrollers, Malliotakis’s higher-level brain functions are entirely dedicated to permanent political negativity expressed in the form of ‘slams’. An associated decline in motor function has left the candidate bedridden when not actively gesticulating, prop-handling, grand-standing, or enticing children into photo-ops with candy.

“While it sounds like vigorous activity for someone to undertake so recently after a traumatic incident, slamming, or as the medical community refers to it, ‘ripping into’ or ‘blasting’, is actually the least productive mode of expression.” explained managing physician Dr. Gene Wildbank at the Staten Island Hospital. “Even the slightest amount of slamming is enough to leave Nicole exhausted, irritable, and confused.”

Hospital records indicate that Malliotakis was admitted this past Saturday after developing severe complications from an ill-run and amateurish Mayoral primary. This has been exacerbated by lifestyle risk factors such as litigiousness, hypocrisy, and an overall lack of constructive decision-making. “The climate in Albany certainly hasn’t done her any favors over the years.” Dr. Wildbank added, referring to Malliotakis’s years participating in an obstructionist state legislature.

Malliotakis later retracted this statement, saying she misspoke. “I’m the one using the scare tactics, obviously.” she said. Projection and confusion are classic symptoms of those at high risk of slamming.

Malliotakis slams the concept of parole because it is possible to violate it. She also slammed those who didn’t support broken windows policing. The slam was so brutal, she ironically broke a nearby window and was arrested.

A rare counter-slam: The NY Post reports on Malliotakis brutally slamming a slam, i.e. de Blasio’s slam of the MTA. While this is normally too many slams, since it involves the MTA, there is no agreed upon upper limit for slams.

One might say that this issue does not rise to the level of a slam. Keep in mind, Nicole Malliotakis is physically incapable of anything but slamming, even when she herself doesn’t actually care.

By calling the delivery of a long-term working plan similar to a dog eating homework, Malliotakis proves she isn’t out of the woods yet. She can slam, but she can’t yet metaphor.

The first step is to admit you have a problem. This self-admitted slam is linked to a countdown clock to keep track of all the slamming. It seems Nicole has moved on to a rather rigorous physical therapy regimen. Her personal Fitbit profile reports that she burns at least 250 calories per slam. Inspiring!

In a rare bout of humor, Malliotakis slams a judge for not putting someone in the slammer! At least she didn’t call the judge a biased Mexican! That was another guy.

More slamming, this one confusingly over the fact that the mayor simultaneously did but also didn’t do things for people who donated money to him. Nicole slammed him for both! Double-slam.

Visiting friends and family members were distraught. John Catsimatidis, former Republican mayoral hopeful, talk-radio host and supermarket billionaire, visited her on Monday evening. “I just went in to see my plucky hand-chosen candidate. She looked at me once and just went right into slamming my sincerity with an incoherent, poorly-thought-out photo-op right there in the hospital bed.” said Catsimatidis. “It’s like she can’t tell friend from foe anymore. When she started coming out slamming immigrants, ignoring her own family’s roots, trying to make jostling a deportable offense… I should have seen it as a red flag. What a terrible investment.”

Doctors warn that Republicans in New York are at higher risk of slamming, especially during campaign season when a quick succession of primaries, debates, and campaigning leaves candidates with little time to check in with medical professionals. Often, symptoms are ignored, such as suing city government or ignoring NYPD officials on matters relating to terrorism. “Loved ones often overlook the obvious warning signs, thinking that relentlessly slamming city agencies and elected officials is only a temporary phase and not a sign of deeper, underlying neurological damage. In many cases, it’s passed off as ‘press savvy’ by unlicensed professionals.” explained Dr. Wildbank.

Malliotakis’s condition has placed unusual strain on attending nurses and healthcare professionals. “One night, her call button started going crazy.” related a nurse who is assigned to Malliotakis’s ward. “By the time I got to the room, she had assembled a lectern out of bedpans and was relentlessly slamming the quality of the hospital food, abortion access, and the volume of her roommate’s snoring. I asked if she wanted to be moved to another room, but not a constructive word left her mouth. She began slamming my bedside manner instead. We’re used to patients complaining, but dear lord, at least they end up saying what they actually want. She defines herself entirely by what she thinks people hate. I know she can’t help herself. It’s sad.”

Her roommate was not as understanding. “She tried to sue the hospital when she first arrived to release any records about immigrants undergoing treatment, and slamming the city for not letting ICE deport ‘criminal’ foreigners for wasting tax dollars and ‘clogging up’ the healthcare system. As if suing the city isn’t a waste of tax dollars in and of itself. Really, she just wanted to free up space so she had a room to herself.” The roommate, an Ecuadorian truck driver in the United States on a work visa, was being tested for sleep apnea. “She’s insufferable. Also I’m pretty sure she’s a vampire.”

This is the fifth time Malliotakis has been admitted for medical treatment since announcing her candidacy. She was treated four times previously for whiplash after abruptly contradicting herself on gay rights, discrimination, campaign finance, and affordable rents.

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