Residents Demand Politicians Who Will “Fight” for Them, “Literally Fight People”
*Satire Ahead!*
Residents of Southern Brooklyn are increasingly fed up with elected officials who refrain from violently scavenging and raiding to secure valuable resources for their neighborhoods, according to a recent report. Released by “Residents for a Fair Fight”, the document shows a clear upward trend in favor of a more bloodsport in local politics, including but not limited to cage-matches to secure funds for snow removal, signature body-slam moves listed in campaign material, and a city-wide running tally of how much money an official has wrested from other districts to enrich their own, with the losers thrown into a pit filled with ravenous, disgruntled PATH commuters.
“I voted for Donovan entirely on his signature chokeslam, and he’s just been hiding in a phone-booth for months. I demand blood. He’s a candy-ass. Every dollar Brooklyn gets is a dollar less for us.” — Janet from New Dorp, Staten Island
Primary source data gathered in the report shows an increasing winner-takes-all mentality to what constitutes leadership. Said one resident in the Fort Hamilton section of Bay Ridge, Brooklyn: “The only way to get the MTA to listen to us, is to send a guy to City Council who has the strength to hang them upside-down out of a third-story window by their shins and demand that they stop renovating dilapidated stations in Sunset Park. We refuse to suffer the indignity of taking a shuttle bus on weekends because of the needs of others.”
The report also showed that most residents understanding of the City Council chambers involved a large dome of ragged chain-link, a peeling concrete floor stained wine-red, and a large sack of district funds hung from a meat-hook in the center around which officials clawed. Lobbyists and public observers hang bodily from the rafters, throwing down pre-written bills and jeering on the assembled throng. The report cited residents’ desire to have officials “fight for them” and be the “peoples champion” and “ignore the rules against barbed-wire-laced boxing gloves” in order to keep homeless shelters out of their district and to “stand up to” the reigning bloodsport champion, Bill de Blasio, who towers at six feet five inches and has a reach that outclasses all other councilpersons and agency heads.
“I don’t want my officials to get walked all over by municipal agencies. Municipal bureaucracy is filled with egotistic bullies, a personality type that’s very much attracted to thankless public service jobs.” — Rachid from Marine Park, Brooklyn
New campaigns are hearing the clarion call for violence. Michael Grimm, newly ripped from his stint in medium-security Federal Correctional Institution McKean, announced his intent to reclaim his old congressional seat, currently occupied by Rep. Donovan. At the height of the event, Grimm violently body-slammed a nearby reporter while shouting “They say people don’t believe in heroes anymore. Well, damn them! We’re gonna give them back their heroes!” On the Democratic side, Zach Emig, who is also running for Donovan’s seat and member of a biker-gang “Todt Hill’s Angels”, wields a signature war-hammer named ‘Trust’.
“I want scrappy, violent bomb-throwers to shake up the status-quo. I’m not sure what the status quo is since I‘m confused about what my local government actually does. Hopefully, we can demolish it into something easier to understand?” — Mark from Gravesend, Brooklyn
The Malliotakis campaign, in particular, has been hard at work showing off their candidates ability to violently beat the ever-loving snot out of anything and everything. Said Janet Brockstein, a Political Science professor at John Jay College of Criminal and Post-Apocalyptic Justice, “A good left jab has been essential to a functional democracy. In the 1800s, dueling and fisticuffs were prevalent. It is rumored that as recently as 1969, the Rent Stabilization law was the result of a smoke-filled-room bet that Mayor John Lindsey couldn’t win a Barbed Wire Massacre match against an irradiated and half-crazed William F. Buckley Jr.” Continued Professor Brockstein, “Malliotakis has taken this to its logical extreme, directly challenging the Mayor’s diplomatic and governing skills by showing how hard she can slam a bag of hanging sand while accompanied by a sound effect machine.”
The Ambrose Light visited the actual City Council chambers to verify residents preconceptions, only to find a fully code-compliant wood-paneled room. In the place of a fight-doctor station, our reporter was only able to find a water cooler and a vending machine that was sold out of Diet Coke. Blood-stains and viscera were minimal, at levels no greater than other government offices.
Incumbent City Council leader Melissa Mark-Viverito was disillusioned with the report’s findings:
“It is sad that residents of this city think that it’s violence, and not leadership, that they should seek in a candidate. Politicians don’t battle in underground pit fights or start bar brawls over resources. We raise each other up. Government requires team-building and cooperation to organize the post-apocalyptic caravan that protects the big-rig tanker filled with money on its city-bound journey from Albany, across the wasteland of upstate New York. Those profits are equally distributed to all, with a bonus based on the number of skull-helmeted bridge-and-tunnel raiders killed by each caucus. Why would we fight against each other, when Ossining, New Rochelle, and Buffalo are out there, plotting to steal our precious, life-giving water?”
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