I’ve Finally Met the Woman I Hoped I’d Become
15 years ago, I desperately wished to meet my future self. I wanted to know if I had survived my darkness.
While scrolling through my Medium feed, I came across an intriguing article by Ayodeji Awosika: A Quote That Will Shake You to Your Core and Make You Want to Change. He was right about the quote. It made me pause and deeply reflect on my life:
“Someone once told me the definition of hell; on your last day on earth, the person you could have become will meet the person you became.”
— Anonymous.
I’ve known hell. The hell I’ve experienced was when — nearly 15 years ago — I fervently wished I could meet my future self and ask myself what to do.
It was a dark time. I was trapped in a loveless and empty marriage, full of religious guilt, manipulation, and expectations. I deeply questioned myself, my marriage, my purpose, and my future.
I desperately needed guidance, and there were few whose advice I would trust. As silly as it was, I wished with all my heart I could meet my older self in another time. I wanted to sit down with myself and ask the questions I was terrified to ask anyone else.
I wanted to know if I had endured the darkness; if I had survived my hell. What decision did I make — and was it the right one? Did I have regrets? Was I happy? Did I find the things I was terrified to hope for and want?
But more than anything, I wanted to meet the woman I hoped I would become.
Like in the quote Ayodeji shared, it would be a terrible thing — another hell — to realize my future self was in worse shape than where I was 15 years ago.
I got married very young — I was just 22. I barely knew myself, let alone the man I married. We were engaged for a total of six months and had only dated for a couple of months prior to that. We had met, dated, gotten engaged, and were married all within one year.
And all of this happened because I believed it was God’s will. Yes, in my early twenties, I was a devout Christian and believed in God’s promises: a marriage to a godly man who cherished and adored me, beautiful children, and a lifetime of serving the Highest God with my family.
None of those things would come to fruition.
A Road of Despair
Our near-five years of marriage were rocky at best. During the last two years, it felt like a colossal train wreck in slow motion. We were completely different people, especially in how we communicated with others and with each other. He was hot-headed, arrogant, and confrontational. I was kind-hearted, meek, and terrified of conflict.
He may have just wanted someone to argue with, or expected me to fight back — and he may have respected for me for it — but that wasn’t my style, nor my comfort level. Instead, I tried to show him grace and understanding. And he ran me over. He took advantage of my good nature.
There were very few times I recall him offering me a genuine apology — without blaming me or others for his behavior. I forgave what I could, then pushed the rest way, way down. I pushed those feelings deep down to a place where he couldn’t see them, so he couldn’t react to them.
The only emotions allowed in our marriage was his. And if I were to show mine, he accused me of trying to manipulate him. He had the gall to tell me that when I cried, he believed I was trying to ‘manipulate’ him into feeling like an asshole.
Um…the reason why I cried was that he was an asshole.
So, I guarded myself and my heart by never crying in front of him again. Like all my other feelings, I learned to stuff my fury, my deep disappointment, and hatred deep down. On the outside I may have looked OK — or even neutral — but I was at war within myself.
Bad Advice
As I struggled in my marriage and with myself, I sought the advice of close family and friends, many of whom were also Christian. From many, I received far too much criticism and religious rebuke, and too little compassion and understanding.
I felt alone to fumble through the darkness. Sure, my friends prayed from me, but that resulted in nothing. When they did provide guidance, it was to spout scripture about a woman’s submission to her husband and faithfulness in God. It was a sin to divorce my husband.
My friends promised that if I stuck it out — however long it would take for God to heal our marriage — God would bless my faithfulness in him.
That sounded like a shitty deal. It sounded like God was asking that I stay with a man who wasn’t worthy of my heart — so God would bless me with what? — more years of marriage to an unworthy man? I couldn’t pretend to understand this rationale, but I did hang on to my belief that God wanted me to be loved and whole.
I was tired of feeling so hopeless and lost. And I was tired of waiting for my husband to become the man and spouse he could never become. And when I finally came to this realization, I was afraid and ashamed of what came to my mind:
The future I envisioned did not include my husband or my god.
Read my article, Christians, It’s Time to Decide Who You Are, for a deeper look at my experience with God, church, and Christians.
What I Wanted to Ask My Older Self
As I wrestled with my feelings and what to do, I desperately wished I could meet my future self. Maybe then I could answer the deepest, most terrifying questions of my heart — questions very few knew and only I could answer:
- What will happen if I divorce my husband? Is that the right decision?
- Will I find love again — and will that person be deserving of my heart? Is it even OK to want to love again, to love someone else?
- When will the feeling of hopelessness and guilt go away?
- What’s on the other side for me? Is it better than what I have now?
- What kind of person have I become in the future?
- Am I happy?
What I Wish I Could Have Told My Younger Self
Just as much as I wished I could meet my older self — now, looking back — I wish I could have talked with my younger self. I would have sat with her, and held her close. I would have cried with her. I would have shared these things:
- You might not feel it now, but there is hope. Keep fighting. Keep searching your heart. You will find what you’re looking for. You will rise from the ashes.
- Trust yourself, and believe in yourself.
- No one decides your future but you. When you think of the future you want to have, and the picture you see calms your mind and fills your soul with hope, that is the right path. Don’t be afraid to take it. Be afraid to not take it.
- What do you truly want for yourself? Cast aside other people’s expectations and opinions. Think for yourself, and think only of yourself. Do not be afraid to want something that you’ve been told you shouldn’t have or shouldn’t do.
- Be careful in whom you confide. Not everyone thinks in terms of what’s best for you.
- If people can’t support your decision, you need to leave them behind, too.
- Question anyone or any thought that makes you feel bad about yourself. Question whether you will allow that person or thought to take up space in your heart and mind.
- The path you’re wanting to choose is the best decision you’ll ever make.
- You will be happy.
What Happened Next: A Timeline of Events
After another failed attempt at communicating, which ended with my husband yelling at me, I told him I wanted a divorce after we had cooled off. He agreed. I thought he would be angry, but he actually looked relieved.
At that moment, I realized he wanted the same thing, but would never have the courage to ask. As long as he could point the finger at someone else, he was absolved of any responsibility in our marriage’s undoing.
I knew he wanted a divorce because as we went about separating our things, he was actually friendly. And I knew my husband well: He was always friendly and in a good mood when he was getting his way.
Soon after, in the fall of 2009, I moved back in with my parents. I couldn’t afford to support myself, and my parents wanted to help me get back on my feet. By this time, I had stopped going to church, and had ended most of my friendships with my church ‘family.’
I wasn’t surprised when most of those people — including my church mentor and ‘close friends’ — didn’t even reach out to see how I was doing.
I had made the right choice.
In January 2010, I went back to school to earn my Bachelor’s in communications. A college education was something I’d always wanted to pursue — and something my almost-ex-husband had always argued against. He didn’t believe in the power of having an education, even despite not graduating from high school. For the next two and a half years, I put myself through college while working as a full-time student and employee.
On Valentine’s Day 2010, my divorce was final. And I couldn’t have picked a more fitting day: February 14. I was filled with more promise, hope, and happiness than ever before. I spent the evening celebrating my new life with several close girlfriends — with whom I chose to continue to have a relationship. I was finally free of the pain, suffering, guilt, and hopelessness.
That September I would meet my future, second husband. A man my sister introduced me to — a man she absolutely gushed about. A quick coffee after work turned into us sitting on a bench outside of Border’s Books until nighttime. During that first date, I understood what my sister had been talking about. This man was different. This man was good.
On a cold, blustery December weekend in 2011, while staying at his family’s beach house, he popped the question. In the summer of 2012, we bought our house and I graduated from college. A year later, we were married amongst our family and the greatest friends we could ever ask for.
And in late 2014, we welcomed our son into the world.
The Woman I’ve Become
Now, nearly 15 years since the first time I wished I could meet my future self, I reflect on who I’ve become. I’m a strong, courageous, and beautiful woman who endured the darkness to find myself. I found a path of love, hope, and peace. I am free.
I don’t waste my time or energy on thinking about how I could have done things differently. I’m grateful for all the hardships I’ve gone through — including a disastrous first marriage — because it’s made me see what I’m worthy of and what I deserve.
Today, I am married to a man who cherishes and adores me, we have a beautiful child, and we have a lifetime of memories to make. All the things I envisioned — all the things I was scared to want — have become a reality.
I’ve finally met the woman I hoped I’d become.
