Lessons from ‘A Star Is Born’ Compared to My Own Suicide Attempt

Words matter. Words have consequences.

Image by Victoria Borodinova from Pixabay

After surviving a suicide attempt, I fight depression and mental health taboos by writing about suicide prevention and asking troublesome questions regarding life. Let’s stop pretending it is sunny when it rains. And let’s deal with the rain.

Since I attempted to commit suicide, I am overly sensitive to discussions about suicide. And one repetitive message that gets to me is the notion that suicide is a selfish act.

When I concluded that my own death was the best path forward, I believed that it would be best for everybody in my life.

I was wrong. Probably. Suicide is usually devastating to friends and family.

But if we are serious about preventing suicides, we need to speak a language that makes sense to people contemplating suicide. In my case, I saw numerous suicide prevention messages, but none of them spoke to me. And I believe a different message from people around me could have made a difference.

Words matter.

The topic that got me sitting at my keyboard today originated from the 2018 movie ‘A Star Is Born’ and comments about that movie from Jennifer Michael Hecht, author of Stay: A History of Suicide and the Philosophies Against It.

First, let’s recap what happened in that movie and what is Jennifer’s take on it. Then, I will propose a slightly different view leading to a different message — one that, I believe, has more chances of helping loved ones. It could have made a difference in my life.

It’s about the power of words. It’s about understanding suicide from the point of view of the person contemplating it.

A Star Is Born and Jackson Maine’s Suicide

Warning: It’s full of spoilers, but it’s a 2018 movie!

It’s an old story that had already been made into a movie in 1951, 1954, and 1976!

In the 2018 version, country-rock singer Jackson Maine played by Bradley Cooper, discovers then falls in love with Ally Campana, a young songwriter-singer played by Lady Gaga. Jackson coaxes Ally to follow her dreams while he battles with alcoholism.

Eventually, Ally has her own success and gets on stage to receive an award while Jackson stands next to her and pees in his pants, as drunk as a lord. This is portrayed as a humiliating moment for Ally, although it seems to be so just for people around them. Ally is actually concerned about Jackson’s wellbeing and doesn’t care much for what others may think.

In fact, she wants to bring Jackson on tour with her. When her manager and producer, Rez Gavron, refuses, she cancels the tour. Jackson is more important than a tour!

That is where things become interesting to me.

Even though Jackson went to rehab and is no longer drinking, Rez asserts that Jackson is hopeless because he is sure to relapse. Furthermore, he accuses Jackson of ruining Ally’s career by simply continuing to be her husband. His mere existence is an issue.

Jackson then commits suicide.

Later on, Jackson’s brother, Bobby, played by Sam Elliott, tells Ally that Jackson’s suicide is Jackson’s fault and nobody else.

I will come back to this in a minute.

Jennifer Michael Hecht’s View on Suicide and A Star is Born

In an article posted in Vox, Jennifer Michael Hecht (JMH) writes:

“The terrible fallacy of Jackson Maine’s suicide is that by killing himself, he’s helping Ally. The film itself plays into the myth of the ‘generous’ suicide by ending with Ally’s apotheosis, showing her performing for a full, elegant hall, now a grande dame of stardom.”

The bold is from me.

Overall, JMH’s article is interesting, and her goal is valid. She advocates suicide prevention. In her book Stay: A History of Suicide and the Philosophies Against It, she searches and presents arguments against suicide, and most importantly, she brings the discussion about suicide into the public eye.

That is good!

But I take issue with her “terrible fallacy” statement.

Suicide as a Generous Act

JMH asserts that “A Star is Born gets one thing very wrong” because it “plays into the myth of the generous suicide.”

Fallacy. Myth.

I understand that people left grieving the departed may perceive suicide as a selfish act. It looks like the person who committed the act gave up and let everybody around them down. That is what I see most regularly portrayed in the media.

In the 2018 version of A Star Is Born, I was pleased to see suicide portrayed under a light much closer to my own experience. When I attempted to commit suicide, I was convinced it was best for everybody around me — heck, it was best for the whole planet, too, since there are too many humans on it!

To be fair, JMH’s argument, as I understand it, revolves around the fact that Ally’s apotheosis at the end of the movie supports the idea that Jackson’s suicide was good. And we shouldn’t be encouraging such a positive image of suicide.

Perhaps. But I mainly beg to differ.

If we want to connect with people contemplating suicide, we need to see the world from their perspective. From Jackson’s point of view, it was clear he was a bullet in Ally’s life, and she was better off without him. Ally’s manager made sure Jackson got that exact message.

There are tons of suicide prevention campaigns. I see suicide prevention hotlines and messages plastered everywhere. Yet, suicide remains a leading cause of death. Perhaps it is time we realize that the current messaging does not work as intended. And to find a proper way of reaching people contemplating suicide, we need to understand what they see.

None of the anti-suicide messages I noticed in the weeks leading to my attempt convinced me to change course. In fact, they all seemed pretty ridiculous to me, as I explained before. Telling me not to give up, to stay, was a waste of your breath because I was convinced that by staying, I was hurting people around me.

I needed a much more serious discussion on my role in the lives of people around me. I needed to talk it out without the risk of somebody calling the cops and sending me to a psychiatric hospital.

A message like this would probably have worked better on me: “Before you do it, let’s have one last talk. Why not?” Do not simply tell me to stay when I am convinced I should leave.

To me, bringing “suicide as an act of generosity” into the public discussion is key to a better understanding of suicide and to defining messages that will connect with people who believe they are doing everybody a favor by checking out.

“I believe there are two possible reasons why some say suicide is a selfish act. The first may be an attempt to comfort the suicide loss survivor(s) in an effort to help shift the guilt burden (blame) to the one who died. The second reason may be that it is easier for them to say “suicide is a selfish act” rather than really try to process why someone would take their own life.” — Jean Mellano, National Alliance on Mental Illness

This brings me to another topic: Who is to blame?

Suicide, Guilt, Blame & Forgiveness

After a suicide, people left behind have to move on with their lives. At that point in time, it seems irrelevant to assign blame. Even if you are guilty of something, you need to forgive yourself and move on.

Yes. Sure.

But it doesn’t mean it was nobody’s fault.

“Listen to me! It isn’t your fault. It just isn’t. Do you know who’s fault it was? Jack. That’s it. No one else. Not you, not me. No one but Jack.” ~Bobby talking to Ally after Jackson’s suicide.

He is right to comfort Ally. It was not Ally’s fault. She needs to move on. But was it really no one’s fault?

From a bird’s-eye view, we are all sentient beings with agency. We can make our own free choices. Throw in “survival of the fittest,” and the heck with Jackson!

But if we are talking about suicide prevention, then there was somebody responsible. Ally’s manager, Rez Gavron, clearly explained to Jackson that Ally would be significantly better off without him. Jackson understood the message and fixed the problem.

Rez is to blame.

I find it intriguing that Rez never appeared in the movie after that fatal discussion with Jackson.

If you think that Jackson’s decision to commit suicide had nothing to do with Rez Gavron, let me ask you something.

If somebody commits suicide after systematically and continuously being bullied in school, will you still pretend it was nobody’s fault? Have a look at the list of suicides that have been attributed to bullying–and I am sure this list is not exhaustive.

Words matter. Words have power. From my point of view, Rez Gavron’s behavior in A Star is Born is nothing less than bullying.

A serious attempt at curbing the rate of suicide needs to address the root causes. In some cases, I am sure nobody is at fault. Perhaps I was in late-stage cancer with only a few months to live and decided to check out early. But in some other cases, there is somebody to blame — especially in the case of bullying.

Remember that Jackson was just out of rehab. He was making progress. He needed support to keep on getting better. Instead, he was told he was useless and, even worse, damaging to the one he loved.

Words matter. Words have consequences.

More about my journey with depression and a suicide attempt.

Today, let’s reach out to at least one friend to check out on them before it’s too late.

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“A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.” ~James Keller