No, you do not need permission
And other practical advice to give your dreams dimension
How often do we hesitate and hold ourselves back for feeling the cant’s of life? Seeking the approval of another or others before we commit to a course of action or decision?
It is a beautiful quality to be considerate of others, to understand their feelings and opinions; it is the fibre of our relationships or at least what sustains and enriches them, but we must be mindful of the cost and potential for self-sacrifice if we are willing to forgo pieces of ourselves. Particularly those deeply hidden dreams which, to us, mean the most.
They are often the secret parts of us, held hidden in their utter vulnerability to prevent them from being extinguished in a whisper of condescension or disapproval.
It’s easy to squash those parts, and silence them with negative inner reasoning, but there comes a time when the dream resurfaces and, with renewed persistence, will not be quietened.
They become the centre of our thoughts, obsession, almost, which niggles and gnaws away at us during every daily activity.
It is now both a dream and our frustration, and we must make a choice about whether we are ever going to entertain the idea of pursuing it.
In that moment of evaluation, we weigh up our options and consider their impact on those around us; “but what if…?”, the common clause in that contract we declare with ourselves, reasoning every which way as to why we can’t, shouldn’t or would never be able to successfully pursue it. We talk ourselves down and out of the idea, sometimes seeking justification in our reasoning and repeat the fixed thought processes which stop us. We make it about us:
“I’m not smart/talented/skilled/beautiful enough to do that”
or we make it environmental, external to ourselves:
“I don’t have/it’s not the right time/I need this to change/I’m waiting for… perhaps in the future?
We wait…
This is where I found myself in the spring of 2017, pregnant with my third child, exhausted from running my business and in the process of moving house, twice.
Without a permanent kitchen my business had to go on hold, and I felt lost. Wasted. I had spent three years building it from nothing, poured in my heart, soul, energy and tears — not to mention late nights — and never anticipated stepping away from it. Our lives for that time where completely turned upside down, but somewhere in that sadness and loss I felt a familiar pang — a compulsion — to write.
It was my long-held dream to write a book, and I still wrote poetry whenever I was inspired, but I had been crippled by self-consciousness and would very rarely let anyone else read what I had written. It just sat in a box, notebook upon notebook, scribbled verse upon scraps of paper.
In all the years where I had pursued a writing career ‘on the side’, I was told I would never make it because I hadn’t studied how to write. I would never find a job or my place at the table because I didn’t have the right credentials, and I believed them. I internalised all of it, and though to a greater extent I knew they were right, it stopped me from writing all together. And it chewed away at me, often.
I lost a part of me that was my greatest source of internal expression, but in those months of sadness something broke and set me free.
If I wanted to be a writer, I could be a damn writer
So, I started writing again, and I made the time between school runs and moving, then between nights feeds and early mornings, to build myself a website and create a space for myself at the table.
Because I realised, that the only thing worse than having people laugh at me or ridicule my writing, was never writing at all. I didn’t need anyone’s permission to live my dream, and the internet was the vehicle to give my self-expression it’s wings.
I didn’t need to be a job or a business, I didn’t have to be the best, I just needed to answer that call.
Shift happens…
Seeking permission from others is often a subconscious mechanism which we play out in our daily decision making. The choices we make are all subtly influenced by other’s viewpoints and perspectives. Out of love, fear or loyalty we make decisions which keep us in step, edging ever further away from our own desires of being.
We spend years squashing our dreams inside of us, running the scripts to justify why and ignoring the call when we are reminded of their existence. You could argue their seeming non-existence when they are hidden so well, but no matter how deep they reside, they’re still there.
Then there comes a point, sometimes many years after that idea first became a dream, where we decide that it IS time and that we ARE ready, or worthy, or focused, or skilled, or *insert your own adjective* enough. We reapply that time, energy and focus into creating a reality from that dream and decide we are going to pursue it with everything we’ve got.
What have I got to lose?
The shift has happened, and like that phoenix we arise with renewed intensity, new found passion and purpose applied to make shit happen.
Suddenly it’s just not enough to hold onto that dream without giving it life.
This is the moment where you start re-purposing your resources and readjusting your mindset to focus on doing rather than dreaming or repressing.
Catalysing us out of our ruts and onto the path of greatness — so we hope — someone has the map, right?
‘Chasing dreams’ has a somewhat lofty, poetic association, and when you’ve stepped off the path of least resistance it can be scary. Life happens all around you, and that burning intensity inside of you can fizzle out to dust if you don’t know which direction to head in. I always think of it like a compass wheel; you have all the drive and energy behind you, you just need the arrow to stop so you know which direction to apply it. If you don’t, it can literally end up pent up inside of you, leaving you disillusioned and frustrated.
So, what can you do?
Write it down
Write yourself a mission statement, a manifesto or even just a couple of words on paper or in the notes on your phone — give your dream a form, some lines which you can colour-in along the way. You don’t need to have all the answers at the beginning, but to find your focus you need a place and the courage to start.
This practice will serve you well in any aspect of your life which needs attention, at any stage of the project. If you need to reclarify or redirect, write it down, channel it in some form or another to make it tangible. Go back to it often, assess where you are and how things have changed or evolved.
It will become a standing point from which you can view how far you’ve come, and where you’re heading next.
Practically speaking, we often talk ourselves out of making changes because we don’t know how to make the room or find the time in our daily schedules, so here is a little of what I’ve learned about finding the time and the space whilst juggling life:
TIME: Organise, Prioritise, Strategize, Energise
It is easy to say “I don’t have enough time”; we do it often and though there is truth in the statement, you have the same amount of time as anyone else. The most successful human beings on the planet all have the same 24 hours in a day, but not all days are created equal. If you are going to make the most of your day, you have to use your time well. Seems obvious, yes, but how exactly do you find the time to fit in a new project or endeavour?
“I learned that we can do anything, but we can’t do everything… at least not at the same time. So think of your priorities not in terms of what activities you do, but when you do them. Timing is everything.” — Dan Millman
The tips below are just a couple which I found have helped me the most. Though they are not prescriptive, they often feed into each other and interact; organisation and discipline beget better organisation and discipline, whereas skipping a step or neglecting to prepare in advance can reduce performance and lead to additional disorganisation and wasted time.
ORGANISE — Keep a diary or list of engagements daily, even phone calls and internet/free time. It is phenomenally easy to lose 20 minutes when you’re distracted by the bright lights of the internet or social media. If you don’t need your phone in that moment, keep it out of arms reach. If you want to check Facebook, schedule a time which isn’t going to detract from your productivity.
Some of the greatest entrepreneurs on the planet break their day down into increments of 15 minutes or less. Elon Musk reportedly breaks his down into 5. Sounds extreme, but spend a day writing down what you do in every 15 minutes of one day and see how much time you could re-purpose. It’s an eye opener.
PRIORITISE — Plan monthly, weekly or even the night before what needs to be done in the day(s) ahead, all your commitments, including travelling time etc. Like finances, you need to leverage the spare time that you have in order to make the most of it.
Get your most important jobs of the day done in the morning, when your ability to make decisions isn’t worn down by the day and its stressors — this can be your best thinking and problem-solving time. Knowing which tasks require your attention during the day and prioritising them will stop you from feeling overwhelmed and knowing your schedule can also give you the headspace to tackle anything unexpected without losing your shit.
As a work-from-home Mum there are tasks which I can only accomplish when the children are all either out or asleep, so I try to mitigate frustration by making sure there is time to do them when I am on my own — and that doesn’t happen often — so efficiency becomes my best friend.
You need to be efficient in two ways; find that five or fifteen-minute slot to make it happen and be organised so you have everything at hand for that short period without needing to be distracted by trying to find paperwork/information/your focus.
In short, our priorities reflect that which we hold the most value. If you have to work, and parent, and support others but STILL want to find a way of living your dream, you must include yourself in your priorities. One small act daily will add up over the course of the year, so don’t beat yourself up if you can only find ten or fifteen minutes in your schedule. Just use them well, take action, and be consistent.
STRATEGIZE — I often feel like strategy is the killer of my creativity, but without it I would struggle to find the space to be creative. Whatever it is you want to do, is there someone doing it that inspires you? If so, take a little time to research their process and you may be surprised at the seemingly obvious strategies they use.
Tolstoy wrote in the morning after walking and Lovecraft late at night — it doesn’t matter so much when it gets done, what’s important is that they had a method. They had a strategy which worked for them.
Create a plan, or the steps you need to take to reach your goal. And if you’re not sure, then simplify — break a goal or idea down into its constituent parts, decide what you think will need to be done to achieve each part and then try to see where those lines can connect — before you know it you’ll have a plan.
It’s worth remembering too that plans can be flexible as things evolve — don’t let the plan become the problem. If it can be done differently or better, screw the plan, write a new one.
ENERGISE — Probably the easiest to disregard on this list — asyndetically speaking 3s sell, but this number 4 is the foundation for all the others.
The work you produce (service, product, anything…) is as good as that which you consume, and in the current age we are constantly consuming. Reading books on your subject of choice, listening to podcasts and filling your social feeds with inspiring, like-minded people will see you emulating the qualities you are consuming and help you to retain your focus, inspiration and drive.
Conversely, if you are surrounded by people who speak, think and act negatively it’s a possibility that you will begin to emulate those qualities too.
When you embark upon a change in your life trajectory it’s easy for the negative people around you to laugh at your potential fallibility or discourage you. It’s not to judge them but to be aware of how it makes you feel, and if it makes you feel bad — regardless of whether it’s a conversation in real life or a comment online — practise a little self-preservation and perhaps add a little distance at the times you need to be focused and productive.
People love to rubberneck — and whilst part of me says let them watch, knowing how salacious it will be when they see you rise, you don’t need to be fighting against negativity and resistance all the time. Positivity fosters positivity, surround yourself with that which nourishes and enriches you.
Eating, sleeping and exercising well, remembering you need ‘off’ time and time to fuel your creative, passionate and intellectual sides are as important as productive time. Your body needs to be taken care of; you have to fill your cup if you are going to flow from it.
To summarise, if you’re doing/creating/building you need to be mindful of what you’re consuming, physically, mentally and emotionally, because it will directly affect the quality of what you do.
Practicality aside
You can do anything if you put your mind to it
This is the best and most memorable piece of advice my Dad ever gave me.
When life gets hard, or when it leaves you broken or at the edge of ruin, you have the power within you to take action and to build from where you’re at. There is always potential, and those dreams which we hold deepest often have a way of surfacing when we are fighting from the trenches.
Self-reflection is funny like that, right?
No matter what the obstacle, there will be a way of overcoming it. There is always a way, if you can look beyond where you are right now and you’re willing to try. You have to commit to yourself, and if needs be seek-out the help and wisdom of those who have walked the path before. You can learn from both their successes and their failures, even if it is just reading from a book or an article online.
Having the faith/resilience/determination — whatever you want to call it — to know that you will keep going, and that you will get there, is the only difference between success and failure. Failure you can build and improve upon, and you can keep doing that until you get to where you want to be. You just have to keep moving forwards.
You don’t need permission from anyone — you can find the time, improve your skills and take those chances or create the opportunities which will enrich your life. You can paint, or write, or study, or just be yourself and take control of your own personal growth.
You can give that dream a life, if you really want to.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t;
You can.
If you want some additionally awesome perspectives on permission, check these three pieces out:
John Westenberg — Stop Asking For Permission To Be Who You Are And Do What You Want
Gustavo Razetti — This Is What Happens When You Stop Asking for Permission
