Part 2: The journey to self-discovery.
Hello and welcome back, if you’re only just joining me, I suggest you take a pause here and go read part one first.
Also, I suggest you make a cup of tea or coffee or whatever makes you comfortable has this is gonna be another long ride, but just long enough to finish a cuppa. I’m not a writer so bear with me.
Where were we? Oh yeah, we stopped at how I went from nursing to tech? You probably can’t tell from part one but even though I wanted to study nursing it just wasn’t for me. It’s a great profession and definitely not for the weak-hearted. If there are any Nurses reading right now, kudos to you and say hello below in the comments.
I was never the child to share how I was feeling when I was growing up, I just kept everything in. I blame boarding school, but, it was easier I guess. I never thought anyone would understand me, how I felt or why I was feeling that way. I think it was partly because I didn’t really want to understand how I was feeling or why. I still haven’t really changed much I think, though more in terms of sharing how I feel with the important people in my life.
My mom taught me many things growing up and I learned many things while growing up watching my mom. There were times when we butted heads and we didn’t get along but I alway knew how much she loves me still.
It was motherly love and maybe more, am not a mother yet so it hard to explain it, but I am a daughter so I guess the only way I can explain it is, it’s like loving someone no matter what they do, I mean occasionally you might fight and don’t wanna see or talk to them, but sooner than later it all water under the bridge.
I learned in university that is called unconditional love. The way it was explained in my psychology course in university was “It like knowing your son or daughter did something really bad, even worse like killed someone or a couple or five but you still love them because they are your flesh and blood and you gave them life”. I know that was a bit of an out there analogy but you get my point.
I love my mom because she was hard working, she did everything she could to provide for her family, gave us anything we ever needed and that means working hard, which also meant I didn’t get to see her around as much as I would have like growing up. Being a single mom is hard, especially when there are three mouths to feed and some more. I understood that as soon as I was old enough to and loved her more for it, she was both a mom and a dad, and she was there when it counted.
She was one of the oldest and more responsible and selfless from her siblings and she always looked after everyone even when she didn’t have too, that was what I saw growing up. I think that why I don’t really talk to my uncles and aunties, I don’t really have any pleasant memories of them.
Sure I understand sibling love, I would do anything for my brother and my sister, have got one of each. I also know if I needed anything in return they will be there for me also, and not because of what they can get out of helping me. We all use to fight so much when we were young, but at the same time, we still looked out for each other.
Which was why when I started thinking about studying nursing, all sorts of memories came rushing back, and I started to think about my hypothetical future family, would they feel the same way I was feeling, while I was working hard trying to provide for them? All sort of questions and feelings started to form in my head. It was very depressing almost.
Thinking about it now, while spilling my guts to complete strangers who might not even understand why, I really wished I had opened up more during my one year at home with her, but I guess you can call me a coward, am just never one to show how I am really feeling am times, it just easier not to say anything.
There was so much I wanted to tell her then. I think the more I thought about it, the more I started to resent myself for the way I felt while I was growing up when my mom wasn’t around because she was working hard for us. The more I also started to hate nursing and how it made me feel.
Have you ever come across someone and just wondered what makes them do what they do, are they doing it for the money, for a child, for themselves or for the world? It really makes me wonder sometimes. My mom is one of the rare ones, she was always putting her children firsts, church, her beliefs, families and friends, and traditions, before even herself. And I can’t help but wish she didn’t at times, but that just who she is.
However, now I am able to tell her more and more every time. I make sure to tell her to rest more and look after herself, makes sure she is taking more time for herself. I also go home more often now, especially now, as I don’t have anything to really stop me now.
I don’t think we as children actually take the time to really get to know our parents, not with as much time and effort we put into getting to know a complete stranger. To get to know what makes them tick or try to understand who they are before they become parents, and had to maybe change or adapt who they are to fit into the new norm of being a parent to a human being that always wants their attention, time and more importantly, money. One of this days am going to sit down with her and ask her to tell me more about herself, about her dreams while she was growing up, what she was like growing up, I would really like to know, has I have always wonder.
It was pretty obvious halfway through my one year break at home that nursing was definitely not for me, and the more I looked into it, call me selfish but I decided I wasn’t ready to devote that much of my time and energy into it. Even the fact that it was free to study and I would come out of it with no student loan wasn’t enough to convince me. By the time I started thinking what next then, I had missed the deadline for university applications.
My part-time work was going well though, I even got promoted because the wife of my boss was pregnant and was having a difficult pregnancy which meant she couldn’t help out anymore. I did enjoy working there, but it wasn’t part of my plan to work there for another year, and staying home wasn’t an option.
So when clearing started on Ucas `clearing is a list of all the university courses that still had places left due to a low application or student prospects` I look at what courses still had places and how far away the university was from Birmingham. That was really my only criteria for a university at the time. The course didn’t even matter to me. I just wanted to escape from my feelings and more importantly, I wanted to be anywhere else apart from Birmingham.
That how I came to studied at Ormskirk, a small town in the middle of nowhere but an idyllic countryside. Am sure most people from the UK won’t even know where it is, not unless you’re from the North West or have heard of Edge Hill University. I had gotten in to study a foundation course relating to children.
I love children so I knew I would enjoy the course, and my sister just had her first baby, so I was an aunt with a baby nephew. I can’t help but be thankful for him because he made me go home more.
University life, however, is a whole completely different story on it own.
As soon as it was finalized that I was going to university, things got better with my mom, and I think we both could finally breathe.
She even helped me move to university, we got the train down together. We went flat searching together. Halls wasn’t really an option for me, it was one part of uni life I didn’t want to partake in. She even helped me save £10 a month on my rent by bargaining with the landlord.
Funny enough, the one year break was exactly what I needed. I do have to say, going to university did help me also especially with my relationship with my mom. It really helped me grow up, be independent and grow more into myself, and I think this was more because I gave myself some time out. A break to think more about a really important life decision before just doing what was expected with no thoughts.
I guess one thing I really want to point out by sharing my story, is to let you know it okay to take a time out sometimes if you think you need it but to also put it to good use. Think about why you think you needed one and your next steps. If you can’t afford to take a time out, I recommend buying a notebook or diary and writing in it, penning words to paper is also something that has helped me when I might be struggling with something and I couldn’t afford to take a time out. Seeing the words in a notebook enables me to reflect better.
University went by very fast, I completed my foundation course and did my degree also. I have a Bachelor of Science. Even after university I still wasn’t sure what it was I wanted to do. I know I wanted to do something that really makes a difference, to other and myself but wasn’t really sure what. I looked into what I could do with my degree but wasn’t happy with any of the options, I wanted more. What exactly more was, I had no idea but was looking forward to finding out.
I knew a lot of teachers at the time so I looked into teaching. Then I decide to do a postgraduate in Early Years teaching. There was an appeal that came with helping to shape the children of tomorrow, to shape and create a strong foundation for the rest of their education in life. My Postgraduate lead me to Manchester, the wettest city ever! But who are we kidding, it’s the UK, if it not cold, it’s raining and we won’t have it any other way.
Have wanted to move to Manchester after university since visiting in my first year of university, it felt like I was definitely on the right path. I was also glad am one of the lucky few that knows how to save, this enabled me to rent a nice flat in town. You don’t really get any support for doing a postgraduate. Luckily the course was free to study and it also had a bursary, which helped a little but ultimately I also needed a part time job.
The course was only a year long but I have to say it was the longest one year of my life. I don’t even think I had one moment to think. In just one week, I had two days of university, three days of placements, 20 plus hours of part time work and also about 20 plus hours of research, planning, and assignment. It was a gruesome one year, my only highlight of it was the children and the two weeks family holiday we all took to the states in Atlanta to visit my brother’s fiance’s family (now wife).
However, after it was over, there came the familiar feeling that teaching just wasn’t for me. I love and enjoyed teaching but I didn’t feel it was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. It was very challenging and stressful and so many things also happened in placements to change my mind that no, this wasn’t the career for me. If there are any Teachers reading right now, kudos to you and say hello below in the comments
I was at a crossroad again and to make matters worse, I was also homeless, not completely, I wasn’t on the street, I just had no place to call my own. The contract on my flat was up and because I had fallen ill and was hospitalized at the time, I wasn’t able to look for another flat. I ended up crashing from friends to friends and occasionally going home to Birmingham on some weekends. I even ended up in a hotel a couple of times and a hostel for a few nights when I had an argument with a friend I was staying with. I knew I had a home and family in Birmingham, but being the stubborn and headstrong type of person. I really wanted to figure it out on my own and be independent. Moving home would have been the last straw for me.
I do have to say the three months I was homeless crashing from friends to friends, I learned a lot about friendship, people, and life. I made some new friends and got a new perspective on life. To be honest I would have found a flat a whole lot earlier but I had a lot of criteria’s it had to met and I didn’t want to settle for anything less. Am glad I didn’t settle because it was a learning experience.
After three months, I found a flat to rent in town again. I won’t really say I was lucky, luck didn’t come into it. It was about looking constantly, arranging a viewing, getting there early and been able to make a discussion on the spot.
Being homeless also meant I wasn’t able to go job searching, has that was my next steps as I was done with studying at that time. So I went full-time at my part-time job at Nandos. Yes Nandos, the peri-peri chicken restaurant. At the time I enjoyed working there. The free food during breaks and flexible working hours made my life very easy. I stayed on after I found a place for another 4 months, mainly cause the past three months I had was very stressful and I was also considering becoming an assistant mananger there. I needed a break and to think of what was next for me.
I was thinking about taking another break for two to three months to figure out what my next steps were. Being sick prior to the 3 months I was homeless, I had also lost some weight and moving from one place to another didn’t really give my body time to rest and recover. I was also always tired all the time. So it was the ideal time for a break and the change in management at work made the decision really easy, it was time to move on to greener pastures..
I needed some money to get me through and thanks to our greedy tax system. I was owed a lot of tax refund because I was getting tax a whole lot while studying full time and only working 20 hours a week. I was not even earning up to the avarage ten thousand pound a year, which mearnt I shouldn’t have been tax at all in the first place, but I guess someone in management messed up. Our payslip was online on a Nando’s system which I never really had time to look at but always wondered why my pay was lower than it should.
After discovering this and sorted out my tax refund, I handed in my notice at work, completed my two weeks notice and I was on my second break.
The first thing I did was booked a ticket to Faro, Portugal, destination Albufeira. I was in Portugal literally the second day after I finished work. It would have been the first day but I couldn’t find my passport and then i realized i left it in Birmingham. I had to make a detour and flew out from Birmingham.
Portugal? Am sure you all wondering why. Well, my brother was on holiday there, he rented a villa and had a lot of room so it was a very easy decision.
Portugal was amazing, I stayed at Eden resort and I highly recommend.
I did so much. I went on a cruise, visited the old town and Lisboa, known in English as Lisbon the capital. The food was amazing and the people were very welcoming.
When I came back from Portugal, I also went home to visit for a bit, I spent some time with my nephews, yes, I now had two, as my sister had another just as I was finishing my third year of university. Time really waits for no one.
Once I got back to manchester, I also reconnected with a few friends, had some very lazy days. You know the ones where I didn’t get out of bed till two in the afternoon. I was now approaching the start of my third month and knew it was time to get serious and started looking for a job.
There were so many different jobs out there and has always the application process was long and I hated every bit. So I decided it was time to make use of the abundance of work agencies in manchester city center. I submitted my application to three of them, with two stipulations that the job had to be in the city center and at least with a chance to go permanent after a three month trial period. Straight away I was getting calls for jobs but for all the wrong type, they were only for a day or for a week.
I had to turn them all down as they were also outside of town, which meant I had to travel, and for something that wasn’t permanent, I wasn’t ready to waste my time and energy.
Although at the time the Co-op was already well known to me, their office in town was right next to the Nandos restaurant I worked at and quite a few of their staff came for lunch there. I was always getting asked out by some of their staff. Though the one that intrigued me the most was a project manager from the insurance sector. He really liked me and was a regular everytime he was in manchester. However, he was a contractor for the Co-op and lived in London, so that relationship was never gonna work out.
We did, however, go on one date where he asked me what my next plans were, he was an absolute gentleman. He suggested why not apply to the Co-op. For someone that didn’t really know me, strangely he believed in me. He said he had been observing me every time he came for lunch, i know stalker much.
He said he loved the way I smile while doing the measly of tasks and how hard working and attentive to detail I was. It was his finally week in manchester, which was why I even went on the date. He gave me loads of advice and shared his LinkedIn profile with me. It was meant to be a very brief date has he had a train to catch, but he missed it and had to get the next one cause we lost track of time while talking.
The date really pricked my interest about the Co-op, so I did my research and I actually liked some of what I saw. The information out there regarding the Co-op when you search for it at the time was a bit all over the place, half of what came up when i google it at the time was mostly negative, due to a previous executive and the amount of debt they were in. However, I still impressed with the rest of what I saw.
It was one of the companies I looked at while I was applying for jobs but their application process was so daunting and long, that I gave up five minutes after I started.
