Fan Fiction the Way We Like It: Kenneth Clark and Darth Revan

Diversity Comes to the Mill

Teio, the Tahitian woman in charge of buildings and grounds here at the Mill, recently pointed out that although we’ve published some fan fiction on Medium (such as the conversation between Gandalf, Bob Dylan, and Abe Lincoln) none of the folks appearing in our fan fiction have been African-Americans. “Absurd,” I said, “what about the round table we held with the black characters from Lord of the Rings?” A review of the records proved that she was right. It turns out our fan fiction is whiter than Woody Allen’s first 37 movies. To remedy this… oversight… we’ve invited educational psychologist Dr. Kenneth Clark to join us tonight along with Darth Revan, the villain from the upcoming Star Wars movie The Force Awakens. Shit! I forgot to say, “spoiler alert.” Spoiler Alert!

Darth Revan: Who is Kenneth Clark?

Gutbloom: A famous educational psychologist. His research was cited in the Brown vs. Board of Education decision and he was instrumental in the decentralization of the New York City public schools.

Darth Revan: Decentralizing the New York City Schools is nothing to be proud of.

Gutbloom: Since when does Darth Revan know anything about The New York City public schools?

Darth Revan: I grew up in Brooklyn.

Gutbloom: Where in Brooklyn?

Darth Revan: Bed-Sty, but it was nice when I lived there.

Gutbloom: It’s nice now.

Darth Revan: Really? Shit, I knew we shouldn’t have sold the house.

Gutbloom: We should start talking to Kenneth Clark, that’s what this is supposed to be about.

Darth Revan: Why did you pick Kenneth Clark?

Gutbloom: He’s deceased and I figure his family is too busy to sue us. Good evening, Dr. Clark.

Dr. Clark: Good evening. What am I doing here and who is he? [points to Darth Revan].

Gutbloom: This is “Fan Fiction the Way We Like It”, you’re here because you are black and that is Darth Revan.

Dr. Clark: Darth Revan isn’t black, is he? What’s he doing here?

Gutbloom: He’s here because a new Star Wars movie is going to be released in December. We thought we could get a little bump in the ratings by having him here.

Dr. Clark: Wow, that’s almost as insulting as what you said to me.

Gutbloom: Dr. Clark, is it true that you were living in Hasting-on-Hudson, NY when you died?

Dr. Clark: Yes, that’s true.

Gutbloom: Really? I grew up in Hastings.

Dr. Clark: It’s a very nice town.

Gutbloom: Did you ever eat at the Center Restaurant?

Dr. Clark: Yes I have.

Gutbloom: What did you have?

Dr. Clark: I don’t know. This is your fan fiction… why don’t you just tell me what I had?

Gutbloom: You had a cheeseburger royale. Wasn’t it great?

Dr. Clark: It was excellent.

Gutbloom: That’s so cool. Dr. Kenneth Clark has gone to the Center Restaurant and had a cheeseburger royale.

Darth Revan: Have I ever had a cheeseburger royale?

Gutbloom: No, no. You eat baby hearts or something.

Darth Revan: Dude, you’re an asshole. I’m never coming to your fan fiction again.

Gutbloom: Don’t make me take out a light saber and kick your ass.

Darth Revan: You couldn’t do that.

Gutbloom: Sure I could.

Darth Revan: It wouldn’t be believable.

Gutbloom: Trust me. I’d make it believable.

Darth Revan: Not possible. Hey! Where did Dr. Clark go? Did he leave?

Gutbloom: He can’t leave unless I let him go.

Darth Revan: That’s pretty funny because he’s not here. [opens light saber].

Gutbloom: That’s it, we’re going to the literary equivalent of a commercial and YOU’RE NOT COMING BACK.