Medium Needs n00b Protection
This is not an article about how to increase your recommends on Medium, but I will let you in on a little secret. The best way to garner recommends on Medium is to write about Medium. That’s not really a secret. In fact, I think everyone knows that, but maybe you’ll read the rest of this article because I gave you this unsolicited “pro-tip.” Giving out hints, cheats, and exploits is what gamers do to attract followers, and we can learn from them.
We can learn from gamers. We can learn how to waste time, harass women, create completionist videos, etc., etc. The Reddit trolls aren’t completely wrong. Internet culture owes a lot to gaming, and gamers know how to make money on the Internet. If you want to own the other team, you should take a look at what game companies are doing. Smarter people than me have pointed this out.
Since opening the doors to promotional content, Medium has become a pay to win MMOCC (Massive Multiwriter Online Content Contest). We will have to see if titles like The Ringer can unseat Life Learning as the Goonswarm Federation of Medium. I tend to doubt it. I can’t believe that our local champion, Jon Westenberg, will be unseated by one of the shills as the Lord Swifty of Medium. If Jon was smart he would start making “Let’s write” videos and become the PewDiPie of blogging.
I would like to think that I am the Jessie Cox or TotalBiscuit of Medium. With 1.3 K followers I am way behind the following authors in the power rankings (is this a good time to complain about the fact that Medium doesn’t support tables?)
Todd Hannula 🤓5.9K
Kel Campbell 4.8 K
Vikram Babu 4.6 K
Tom Mitchell 3.7 K
Devon Henry 3.5K
Lisa Renee 3.4 K
Ellie Guzman 2.7K
Ezinne Ukoha 2K
and Morgan Rock Loehr 1.97K
Many of those people are members of the POMQA guild, a Slack team that has a channel called “brags” in which members can pimp posts and, thereby, get a little more lift.
What about the n00bs? Who will think of the n00bs?
I can’t imagine what it would be like to join Medium today. My 1.3K followers generated… get this… 43 “views” for my last post.
Here is the line score:
Now, I understand that most of my “followers” are bots and spammers, but who knew that bots and spammers could be so discriminating? They have figured out that all I serve is dreck. Sonofabitch! Who tipped them off? Fickle bots. I hates them.
Imagine if I only had 50 followers? I would probably end up owing views.
We Want the Tadpoles to Eat Their Tails, Don’t We?
How are tadpoles supposed to grow into frogs in this pond? The big fish are going to drink their milkshake each and every time.
That’s why Medium needs n00b protection. There should be a “collection” for noobs, and only people with <100 followers can be included in the collection. Once you cross the century mark, you’re no longer a noob and you can venture out into the deep pool where I will threadjack your post and increase my views BY INCLUDING YOUR NAME IN MY JOURNAL ENTRY. See that, Lisa Renee, you’ve been had (I singled her out because I know if she starts reading something she finishes it).
That’s my second pro-tip for those of you who read to the end. To recap my mini-listicle of tips for Medium success:
- Write about Medium
- Invoke the names of Medihumans with lots of followers
- Do a barrel roll.
Ask elizabeth tobey, she was a gamer once, before she took an arrow to the knee.
