Jonathan Franzen

If the amount of time it took me to get through this article about Jonathan Franzen is any indication then he may actually have a point about how bad the Internet is. I mean, if that’s the thing he’s complaining about, how distraction-prone it makes us. I swear this tab must have…

So you find yourself agreeing with Jonathan Franzen. Don’t panic, someone is here to help.

“Jonathan Franzen, nobody is looking at you. You’re in New York City. A guy in cowboy boots and underpants plays guitar for tips in Times Square, and another guy walks around town with a cat perched on his head. Carrying a pair of binoculars is not exactly letting your freak flag fly.”

If you’re, like, a supposedly but perhaps shallowly well-read person like me, and of course you are, you’ve read the work of exactly one of these nominees for the National Book Awards!

Ah. Why I stole Jonathan Franzen’s glasses. Spoiler: no reason, really? He was bored? I mean he lives in England, so, sure.

Eyeglass thieves to Jonathan Franzen: “$100,000-Your glasses are yours again!” And then: “As news spread around an incredulous party, a police helicopter was tasked to search for the thieves…. One of them was apprehended hiding in the bushes.” Why has no one yet claimed this act?