Healthier Relationships (Part 2)
Before I dive into the topic of being in a relationship with others… Disclaimer: if you’ve reached this page without reading part 1 FIRST, I strongly encourage you to as this post builds on the concept of self love before a relationship with someone else. However, if you’ve clicked part 2 after reading part 1, I’m honored that you took the time to read and nurture your mind and soul! I’m also glad we’ve established a firm foundation of which to continue our journey seeking healthier relationships with the people around us. I wanted to write this post not to drive thirsty souls into seeking relationships with a significant other but rather, understand better how relationships can thrive — not simply survive! You feel me? Let’s get to it.
We are all wired to connect and be in relationships with people that we love. This may look very different from person to person, but this does not change the fact that we each have a deep desire to seek out connectivity and acceptance. #TinderGrind? This desire for connection is so intricately tied to our emotions that without it there are mental consequences! A ten-year follow up from a nationally representative study done by Alan Teo et al concluded that “the quality of social relationships is a major risk factor for major depression”. I’d like to emphasize and add that it quotes,
“QUALITY” of social relationships — not quantity.
Moreover, in Robert Waldinger’s Ted Talk, with over ten million views on Youtube, “What Makes a Good Life? Lessons from the Longest Study of Happiness” researchers found that “those with strong social support experienced less mental deterioration as they aged”. From both studies, we can depict and acknowledge that developing healthier relationships starts with the intention of improving the quality of our friendships, which can ultimately bring about greater longevity and wellness into our lives.
Before we develop healthier relationships, it has to be understood that social media and platforms have slowly and surreptitiously warped the way we think about relationships and fulfillment.
Many have become content with a superficial and external means of connection and relationship with others that instead of searching for value in the relationships they have, they search for the next relationship they can get.
For instance, to feel good about oneself they need a certain amount of “followers”, or a certain number of people that read their blog posts, or the number of “matches” they get on a dating app. Society has shifted and prized quantity over quality. As a result, some have been mindlessly led to believe that only when they get into a relationship with this girl/guy, or only when they have this many followers on Instagram that they will be happy, which immediately places their happiness into the hands of another person.
Yet, true fulfilling happiness isn’t dependent on others but ourselves.
Actually, this concept of developing healthier relationships has helped me comprehend the quote “less is more”. Few people have scratched the surface of a deep soul-satisfying relationship. By being fixated on the quantity and number of connections, we lose sight and lack the practice of developing relationships of contagious quality! So what can we do to cultivate healthier relationships if the numbers game isn’t working? Below are three pointers I think will help us develop healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
Firstly, cultivating healthier relationships starts with less. #lessismore.
With less, we have more time to develop intimate relationships with those that are already around us. It pains me to see others think that intimacy can be conjugated synonymously with happiness, good, or even lust. Just because two people hook up with each other doesn’t mean they have an intimate relationship!
Fact:
According to the American Psychological Association the divorce rate in America is around 50%.
That is 1 in 2 marriages ending in divorce. #shook! This immediately informs me that getting into a relationship isn’t the hard part — thriving in an intimate relationship is! Could it be that our lack of practice in developing intimate relationships influence our fear of commitment? Could it be the way we deal with our current friendships affect our ability to experience joy? Starting with less enables us to focus on nurturing who we already have. In arguably one of the best TV sitcoms of all time: Friends, there were just 6 friends, and 10 seasons. Think about that.
Secondly, people in healthier relationships prioritize their friends and significant other.
Prioritizing time and energy in developing a relationship takes intentional thought and purpose from both parties. I learnt this lesson the hard way in Freshman year when I was seeing a girl. I was trying extremely hard to improve our relationship by caring for her in every way possible. I was there to support her when she needed it. What I didn’t realize, was that I was slowly getting drained day by day. I came to the realization that I placed more value in the relationship than she did. Simply said, I wasn’t as much of a priority for her than she was for me. Safe to say I ended that. Another hard way I learnt this lesson was during Junior year when I started dating a girl. We started off strong as most couples do, but as time went on, my schedule was starting to get packed and I didn’t prioritize time and energy for her as much as I wanted to. Despite numerous conversations on ways to improve our relationship, during that time my heart was just not in the right place for a relationship. I thought I was able to prioritize everything in order, but in reality, I couldn’t and we ended our relationship eight months later. In maintaining healthier relationships, both persons must realize the importance of prioritizing and valuing each other! It takes two to tango right?
Lastly, people who mature in healthy relationships realize that it does not mean perfection.
They recognize that both themselves and the other person have flaws and they need each other to better themselves. Mistakes will be made regardless of how much we try. Miscommunication will happen. Disappointments will happen.
For the longest time, I mentally (subconsciously) put my parents on a pedestal and thought they were perfect.
It wasn’t a bad thing but there were times I felt dissatisfied with my relationship with them. However, as I adopted the perspective that they were simply people with their own set of problems, it genuinely liberated my unspoken expectations for what our relationship should look like and I started to embrace them for who they were more completely. With that simple perspective shift, I found myself more forgiving and understanding of my parents and friends. I hope this same perspective shift can help you and your relationships!
That wraps up this healthy relationship series! I’d love to hear whether this helped and your thoughts regarding this topic. Please let me know how you have improved your relationships in the comments below!
