Photo by Tolga Ulkan

How we make use of emotions at work

Hands up if you know this situation: You are in a meeting. Someone makes an argument that irritates another participant. That person responds with a passive-aggressive comment that doesn’t directly address the matter at hand but only hints at it. The dialogue erodes, people start talking past each other and the meeting doesn’t lead anywhere productive. At the end of the time slot, everyone leaves the meeting slightly frustrated and with less energy than they entered.

What if we were more aware of our emotions and why we have them? What if we could communicate them to each other without fear of being considered unprofessional? What if we didn’t automatically interpret the emotions of others as an attack on ourselves? What if instead, we harnessed emotions to better understand ourselves and the situation at hand? What if we weren’t unconsciously steered by our emotions, but consciously used them to inform our choices?

The first part of this post makes the case why emotions are important at work and why it is so difficult to acknowledge them before the second part describes mental models that increase our understanding of emotions and empathy. We’ll wrap it up with some practical tips for enhancing our empathic skills in part three.

Ready? Let’s go.

Part 1: The case for emotions and empathy at work

Because we see each other not just as coworkers but as fellow human beings, our expectations about how we treat each other go beyond “being professional”. However, being empathic is not only important because it makes us feel better, it also enhances communication, and with that our collaboration and shared outcomes.

Why emotions are important (at work)

Emotions can be understood as messages from our instinctual selves to our body to trigger a specific reaction. Each emotion has a function and tries to convey information about our context or ourselves. As Damasio found out, emotions are not messy complications that get in the way of a purely intellectual brain. Contrarily, emotions are an integral part of decision-making.

At work, our collaborators may notice that we are getting irritated before we realize it ourselves. When that happens, it is natural for them to get defensive and communication erodes. If instead, we are able to notice as we are in the process of getting irritated, we can tune into why that is. We can openly address it with the group and we can inquire together about the reasons for the irritation and how to mitigate them.

When we acknowledge and openly address emotions, we can use them as valuable feedback to inform our sense-making and choices. This doesn’t replace critical thinking but complements it with information that would otherwise not be available to us.

Why it is difficult to acknowledge emotions (at work)

Emotions have a bad reputation. We are told to keep emotions out of it. But having emotions is not unprofessional. Reacting on impulse is. Emotions are part of being human. And if we understand them, they can actually be quite helpful — in business and other relationships.

“Acknowledge emotions, not as good or bad, right or wrong, but as a source of information that helps you gain self-awareness.”
- Tang Weng Liang

Talking about emotions is difficult — especially in a business context — because by doing so we make ourselves vulnerable. It is so much easier for us to talk about what has been done to us — to take on the victim role — than to actively recognize and understand our own emotions. It is harder still, to own and communicate these emotions to others so they can better understand us. Making this possible despite these barriers requires continuous leadership to provide a safe space to do so.

Now that we agree that emotions are not unprofessional but valuable feedback, let’s understand a bit more about what emotions and empathy actually are in part two.

Part 2: Concepts

If your upbringing was like for most people, the topics of emotions and empathy never showed up in your parenting or schooling — which tragically makes the following unknown territory for most of us.

What the terms emotion and empathy mean

There are many different definitions of terms in this realm. For the sake of this post, I use the following that seem coherent to me.

Emotions are chemicals, a form of neurotransmitters, that provide data about oneself and others. Emotions are a feedback system delivering information that drives behavior and decisions. Emotions wear off within seconds after the trigger is gone.

Feelings happen when we sense emotions and think about them. Feelings are often a result of a mix of emotions and last for a longer time period.

Emotional empathy is actually experiencing a weaker degree of what somebody else feels. In that sense: “I feel your pain” is more than a metaphor. It’s literal.

Cognitive empathy is understanding what is going on in the minds of others. Instead of experiencing any degree of emotion, as with emotional empathy, this is simply understanding that another person is experiencing an emotion and the reasons behind it.

Compassion is feeling for and not feeling with others. It is characterized by feelings of warmth, concern, and care for others, as well as a strong motivation to improve their well-being.

Empathy is a skill that can be developed

“Empathy is a social and emotional skill that helps us feel and understand the emotions, circumstances, intentions, thoughts, and needs of others, such that we can offer sensitive, perceptive, and appropriate communication and support.”

- Karla McLaren, The Art of Empathy

The most important general tenets of Karla McLaren’s view of emotions and empathy are:

• Empathy is a skill that can be developed. Whether you are male or female, introverted or extroverted, autistic or neuro-typical, empathy can be developed. Although some people are more empathic than others, empathy is relevant to everyone. We all can actively develop our empathic skills. It is within our control to increase our self-awareness and empathic abilities.
• Emotions are always true, but not always right. Experiencing an emotion is simply a fact, but directly acting on that emotion may be problematic in the social context in which it has arisen. If we experience shame or frustration for feeling a given emotion, it becomes harder to use it as a trigger for a conscious choice. If instead, we recognize an emotion as a trigger, we can consciously choose the action we take based on that emotion in a particular social context.

But before we start developing our empathy, it is helpful to understand what it is and how it works.

All emotions try to help us succeed

Antonio Damasio defines emotions as action-requiring neurological programs. He posits that emotions are neurochemical triggers that are released when we are confronted with situations that require some action in order for us to survive or succeed socially. It reframes emotions as important contributors, rather than arbitrary or irrational feelings that should be disregarded or distrusted.

A consequence of this definition is that there are no “negative” emotions. Fear, anger, shame, etc. all serve an evolutionary purpose and should therefore be celebrated as contributing to our success and survival. They are our allies if only we can understand and act on them constructively.

“You don’t get to have a meaningful career or raise a family or leave the world a better place without stress and discomfort. Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life. […] Research now shows that the radical acceptance of all of our emotions — even the messy, difficult ones — is the cornerstone to resilience, thriving, and true, authentic happiness.”

- Susan David, Ted Talk: The gift and power of emotional courage

Here are some examples of how experiencing a “negative” emotion is a trigger for a required action:

• Fear — requires action to orient ourselves to changes around us or to avoid possible hazards
• Anger — requires action to protect or restore our sense of self or our boundaries
• Shame — requires action to avoid embarrassing or offending yourself or others. It is important to learn to distinguish between authentic, internally generated shame and externally imposed shame. Make your own agreements with yourself.
• Sadness — requires action to let go of something that isn’t working for us anyway
• Grief — requires action to mourn something that is lost irretrievably

If one accepts this definition of emotions, the way to personal empathic development becomes enhancing our ability to choose actions that resolve an emotion without harming others.

🤸 Let’s practice: Try to recall three emotions you had last week at work and what they were trying to tell you about the context in which they have arisen.

Understanding the six aspects of empathy

McLaren divides the empathic process into six aspects. This is useful because by knowing them we can assess how proficient we are in each aspect and take specific action to improve in the ones we are weak in.

1. Emotion Contagion — The ability to perceive or sense that an emotion is occurring in another person or that an emotion is expected of you by someone.
2. Empathic Accuracy — The ability to accurately identify and understand emotional states, thoughts, and intentions in yourself and others.
3. Emotion Regulation — The self-awareness and skill to regulate your own emotions. This is relevant to both ends of the spectrum: allowing emotions to surface and engaging with them, as well as not letting them overwhelm you.
4. Perspective Taking — Putting yourself imaginatively in the place of others and seeing situations through their eyes; feeling and thinking about what they may need or want.
5. Concern for Others — Combining sensing emotions from others, regulating these emotions in yourself, and taking their perspective without judgment. This is feeling compassion for others.
6. Perceptive Engagement — A skill that allows you to make perceptive decisions based on your empathy and to respond in a way that works for others (given a particular social context).

🤸 Let’s practice: Try to identify which of these six aspects you are more or less proficient in.

How our personality affects our empathy

Richard J. Davidson distinguishes between six dimensions of personality and behavior that could be scientifically linked to neurological processes and that are related to our emotional well-being and social success.

Two claims are important to Davidson’s six dimensions:

• Though our personality gives us a starting point, each personality dimension can be developed to some extent by practices and ways of thinking that change your corresponding neurological processes over time (e.g., through mindfulness practices, cognitive-behavioral exercises, meditation, etc.).
• A person’s current behavior for each dimension can be mapped on a spectrum. Although some ends of the spectrum may seem inherently positive, ideally we develop the self-regulation and empathic skills to act somewhere in the middle. For example: while it may seem better to have developed resilience where we recover from setbacks quickly, recovering extremely quickly might indicate that we don’t have the awareness of, and/or aren’t taking the actions required to resolve emotions that have arisen from the setback. These unresolved emotions can hamper our ability to act with empathy in later situations.

(1) Resilience — our capacity to recover from setbacks

(2) Outlook — our overall approach to life

(3) Social Intuition — our ability to read people and the signals they send

(4) Self-awareness — our internal capacity to sense our own emotions and inner thoughts

(5) Sensitivity to Context — our ability to understand the unspoken rules of social interaction in a socially sensitive way

(6) Attention — our capacity to focus ourselves and screen out unrelated emotional, social, or sensory input

🤸 Let’s practice: Try to identify where on the spectrum of each dimension you are currently behaving.

Phew! Well done for making it through the concepts part. It’s a lot to take in. Take a deep breath before we go into some practical tips in the third and last part. We are on the home stretch.

Part 3: Practical tips

Now that we have a firmer grip on why empathy is important and what it is, let’s see how we can level up our game and make a real difference in the way we collaborate with others.

Increase emotional literacy

Reading and thinking about categories of emotions can help us improve our Emotion Contagion, Empathic Accuracy, Emotion Regulation, and Perspective Taking, as well as just plain help us articulate ourselves more clearly to others. Our meaning-making capacity is reflected in our language. The more subtle distinctions we are able to make, the clearer we can be.

“Language may not wholly create feelings, but it most definitely and beautifully deepens and clarifies them. The right words help us to know ourselves; through their agency, we can more accurately and securely identify the contents of our inner lives.”

- The book of life

Language plays a key role in how we understand things. It is difficult to be fully aware of something that we cannot name and communicate with others.

• Read this emotional vocabulary list
• Play around with this interactive Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions
• Track your mood for 30 days with an app like Mood Meter
• Practice tuning into your emotions in your team. For instance with this empathy retro format.

Control your response by regulating your emotions

The two things that are dysfunctional activities concerning emotions are (1) immediately acting on them or (2) repressing them. There is signal in every emotion. It is valuable to notice emotions arise and understand the reasons for them. Emotions tell us more about ourselves than they do about our current context. Think: “What is it about me — my programming, my beliefs — that made me be triggered by my current context?” For any given situation there is a person that is not triggered by it. Once we understand this, we can choose the right response. The moment between emotion and response is our capacity for agency.

Use a meta-moment to create a pause between a trigger and your response to regulate your emotions and control your response to challenging situations. “The idea is that instead of reacting impulsively — and potentially making the situation worse — you use your breath to calm down, which allows your brain to think clearly about your options. But it’s not just about calming down or taking a break from the conflict at hand. The meta-moment also asks you to think about the person you aspire to be: your ‘best self.’”

“Emotions are good advisors, but terrible masters. You need to listen to them, but without abdicating your responsibility to behave with integrity.”

- Fred Kofman, Conscious Business

One way to remember the steps for a meta-moment is the Siberian North Railroad (SBNRR) technique. It is a practice for dealing with not only triggers but also other situations in which distressing emotions need to be dealt with.

1. Stop: if you only remember one step, remember this one
2. Breathe: focus the mind on the breath
3. Notice: without judging, experience the emotion in your body
4. Reflect: Where is the emotion coming from? Is there a history behind it?
5. Respond: imagine what the kindest, most positive response would look like

Catch yourself sooner

Before you can use a meta-moment, you need to identify that you have been triggered. You can do this by noticing signals in your body (shallow breathing, rapid heartbeat), feelings (experiencing a flight-or-fight response), and thoughts (feeling like a victim, thoughts of blame and judgment). This is really difficult and often results in us beating ourselves up for not noticing it when we were triggered. Guess what, this meta-blame isn’t very helpful. To get a positive spin on this and make progress towards improving you can use the catch-sooner-game that I adapted from the responsibility process.

1. Catch yourself being triggered.
2. Pause and introspect with a meta-moment.
3. Forgive yourself for not being able to change decades of mental programming immediately. Forgiving yourself is a very important step because it is even more difficult to improve when you associate it with blame.
4. Celebrate that you did catch yourself — even if it was later than you would wish for. The fact that you did now is allowing you to take measures to change.
5. Vow to catch yourself sooner next time. Eventually, you’ll be able to catch yourself being triggered as it is happening and adjust your response in real-time.

Improve your listening skills

Listening is an essential skill for the empathy aspects of Emotion Contagion and Perspective Taking. In theory, listening is a simple two-step process: (1) Don’t speak. (2) Don’t think about speaking. In practice, in most situations, people don’t listen to understand, but with the intent to respond. You can use this simple listening exercise in pairs to practice empathic listening.

1. The speaker speaks uninterrupted for 3 minutes. Use a timer.
2. The listener listens by giving full attention, doesn’t ask questions but may acknowledge with facial expressions.
3. Then switch for 3 minutes and
4. Have a meta-conversation about the experience for 3 minutes.

Suggested topics: What are you feeling right now? What is something that happened today, recently, or a long time ago that you want to talk about? Your impressions of yourself. Any other topic that is meaningful to you.

Riff: As an additional step after step 3 you can try looping: Loop back to the speaker by saying what you think you heard (‘’What I heard you say is…’’).

🙏 Prior art: This post is an adaptation of an Empathy Handbook that was co-created at Gini with my colleagues Alena Benson and Alpár Szotyori. Many of the concepts in this post are summarized from the book The Art of Empathy by Karla McLaren. If you made it this far and are eager for more, I recommend you continue reading there.

This together with all other concepts on this blog is nicely bundled up with 88 visualizations, 37 videos, and 11 templates in my New Work by Design Transformation course. Helping you put New Work into practice for less than the price of a consulting day.