Answering “Why do I feel bad?”, Part 14: Attachment Issues
This post is part of a 14-part series of “issues” — emotions, behaviors, and events — that change your life in ways that cause you to ask, “Why do I feel bad?” These issues range from the familiar (regret, tragedy) to the less obvious (distorted thinking) to the unexpected (attachment issues).
If you haven’t already, read Part 1: Introduction and Context. It explains the purpose of this series (including how to read the diagram in this post), answers some Frequently Asked Questions, and gives recommendations on how to use this series to improve your life.
Attachment issues
One PBS webpage defines attachment as “the critical bond that children develop to their parents or primary caregivers during the first years of life.” It’s an emotional bond that forms in a baby between the ages of six and 18 months. Its formation is critical to the baby’s well-being because if it is formed imperfectly (this is called insecure attachment), the baby will later have difficulties as a toddler, child, adolescent, and adult.
Amanda was 16 years old when Sam was born. She played with Sam when it suited her, but she ignored him when she was on the phone or doing homework.
As a toddler, Sam acted clingy toward Amanda and refused to explore the world around him, but he also ignored Amanda when she tried to play with him. (He instinctively did this to avoid the unbearable pain of rejection that Amanda’s behavior caused him.) Later, he had trouble making friends at school. In adulthood, he alternately clung to and pushed away his infrequent romantic partners.
The quality of the baby’s attachment to the primary caregiver (usually the mother) depends upon the quality and duration of the caregiver’s interactions with the baby. Does she cuddle, touch, and play with the baby? Does she watch for signs of distress in the baby and satisfy them fairly quickly? Does she behave consistently toward the baby? If the caregiver provides these things reasonably well (perfection is neither possible nor required), the baby will feel safe, secure, and protected. This is called secure attachment.
Things are worse when a parent ignores the baby (either part or all of the time), emotionally or physically punishes him, abuses him, or raises him in a dangerous or chaotic environment. These result in one of two types of insecure attachment or, at worst, disorganized attachment.
Attachment styles and their effects are too complicated to describe here. Suffice it to say that the type of attachment that developed between you and your primary caregiver during infancy and childhood greatly influences how you see the world, how you react to other people (especially your significant other), and how you parent your children.
Because attachment occurs in infancy, its effects are very strong and very hidden. As a result, attachment issues are often at the root of adult behaviors that are strong (or paradoxical) and that seem to have no real cause. If you’re powerfully attracted to someone and can’t figure out why, some aspect of your attachment could be involved. If you’ve always had serious problems with authority figures, attachment issues are probably at work. If you have a pattern of sabotaging your intimate relationships, your behavior may largely be caused by your attachment style.
People can live their entire lives without understanding anything about attachment or discovering anything about their own attachment style. However, the problems that bring a person into therapy may lead to an examination of his attachment style. This can result in extremely valuable insights and the improvement of difficult and longstanding problems.
In the diagram at top, attachment issues are represented by a short, wide orange rectangle along the top right side of the diagram. The position of this rectangle indicates that attachment issues are extremely hidden, and that they can range from being somewhat serious to being very serious — sometimes more serious than tragedy, loss, and grief.
Author’s Note
This is the end of the series. Again, if you haven’t already, be sure to read the second half of Part 1: Introduction and Context.
Our society does not teach us to be aware of our emotions, or how events and thoughts can change our emotions. Nor does it give us any tools for helping us learn about these things.
I wrote this series from a desire to provide a starting point for learning about your inner life, because this is the beginning of improving the rest of your life.
— Gregg Williams, MFT
You can also read the entire series on one page at greggwilliams.co.
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