Guest Post: Dating Without Drinking
Here at The Cooties Report, we’re always looking for fresh perspectives and hilarious takes on the wonderful* (*horrible?) world of dating. Today, in our first guest post, friend-of-the-blog Sam chronicles some of his experience in sober dating.
After a decade-plus of “regular” American drinking, two years ago I took a dive in the game of life and gave up alcohol completely. The reasons for doing something so potentially harmful for one’s social life are for another time and place. Besides, it clearly states in the Koran that booze is the work of the devil so I don’t understand why there’s much of an argument here anyway.
Hilarious jokes aside, my immediate plan after jumping on the wagon was to continue living the same life I had before. That is, going to bars on weekends with my drunken friends, except I’d be sober.
To clarify for everyone: this doesn’t work. People like to say “you can have fun going out on the town without drinking”. These are the same people that, if for some reason they have a physical reason they can’t drink that night, will engage in conversations such as:
“Hey, wanna go out tonight?”
“Actually I’m on antibiotics so I can’t drink.”
See what happened there? This person didn’t even respond to the question, because the answer was so obvious. Yet this same person will still say “you can have fun going out without drinking”. Nope. It’s a disaster — you feel lame, tired, bored, pretentious and awkward all at once; it’s pointless.
I soon realized my days of wasted hookups were a thing of the past, and I found myself wondering if my wiener would be permanently re-categorized as a strictly urinary tool. As a result I had to be proactive — asking businesswomen out on the bus, sitting next to strangers at the park, and swiping right robotically.
The initial hurdle of the approach is about the same as for drinkos, except that teetotalers are always setting up a future date rather than trying to turn the first encounter into a hookup. Because think of the times that you met a stranger and made out with them in that first day (or, more likely, evening). How many of those instances were on zero drinks? Doesn’t happen.
So now I have a phone number, and within a few days we’ve flirt-texted our way to a solid rapport. Here’s the tricky part. In Western society (which happened to be the exact location of these dates), when meeting for a first date, the obvious option is to grab a drink. Using the flawed logic of “you don’t have to drink booze to go out”, I made a few early mistakes where I asked some unsuspecting ladies out to a bar, ignoring my consumption handicap. We would sit down, they’d order white wine and I’d ask for a fizzy water. The next few moments resembled the confrontation scenes in the end of episodes of the show Catfish. As I desperately tried to bring some understanding to my choice of beverage, I found myself barraged with phrases like “well now I feel weird drinking”, “then why did we come to a bar”, and “I’m calling the police”.
Lesson learned; I soon changed my first date suggestion to coffee, froyo, strolls, galleries, events, and other activities that don’t require booze. Once you let your date know of your abstinence, if you can get to the next date after that you’re in the clear. I’ve occasionally heard some verbal hesitation at the thought of dating a non-drinker, which I can definitely understand — it does involve a significant change in your going-out habits. But most people realize it’s not that big of a deal and treat it accordingly. In my early 20’s it may have been a bigger problem; this is one of the many benefits of becoming all old and shit.
From here on out, the rules are pretty similar to drinking folk — it’s up to you now, champ. After clearing the first couple hurdles you won’t be able to use your temperance as an excuse anyone. At that point, if it doesn’t work out, you just BLEW it, man.
Keep in mind, however, that certain carnal thresholds may take a bit longer to overcome. Nobody wakes up the next day thinking “I didn’t want to bang him on the first date but he kept ordering rounds of frozen yogurt… Now he thinks I’m a slut.”
Overall, dating without booze is a bit like having unprotected sex with multiple strangers: I wouldn’t recommend it, but it’s not the end of the world and if you relax and go with it, you just might end up having a pretty great time.
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