An Unpaid Intern Blog-Promotes the Spud-Spackler II

We’re sure you’ll agree with us that World Technology Firstco’s industry-leading Spud-Spackler II™ is the best potato spackler on the market. If you’re on a budget, like I have to be, you’ll appreciate that the SS2™ is also useful for these other household improvement opportunities–sort of like the “opportunities” I’ve been getting this summer to fetch coffee, get yelled at by my sweat-ass supervisor Drew, and subsist on Dollar Store ramen.

• Strobes are fun when you’re clubbing, which your friends with paying jobs can do, but not when you’re stuck every night in your shoebox of an apartment watching home repair videos [Disclaimer: All YouTube reviews of the SS2™ are posted by haters, outrageous fictions, and at .03 cents-per-view still making more money with every click than I’m getting compensated for forty hours a week by this godforsaken bazillionaire-owned conglomerate]. Fix that flickering fixture with SS2™’s Electrical Work Toolkit™, which consists of a laminated sheet of search instructions to find a local electrician, only $94.95 [Electrician labor & supplies not included].
• You’re in a rush to get to work, but securing your apartment’s deadbolt takes so long that you have to sprint for the bus because you can’t afford an Uber, you show up at like 8:03, and then get the “why are you late?” stink-eye from your boss, Mr. I-Must-Have-a-Swinging-Grandfather-Clock-Pundulum-for-a-Dick-Because-I-Drive-a-Fucking-Tesla. Help is at hand! Fix that finicky door with SS2™’s Loksmith+™ module ($77.95) [May also require call to locksmith].
• Tired of icky cobwebs in hard-to-reach places? Easy-peasy solution with the SS2™. Order the SS2™ Reach-r™ attachment–only $83.95 direct from our website–and unsightly cobwebs are a thing of the past. Directions: 1. Affix the Reach-r™ to the SS2™. 2. Use a gentle sweeping motion to clear those pesky cobwebs. 3. Ram the whole goddamn ten feet of it up Drew’s vise-tight, potato-spackled rectum.
• They say the squeaky wheel gets the grease. If you’re in need of lubricating something–say, a door that sticks, your bicycle chain, or your exit from a bullshit internship — then SS2™’s Lube-O-Magic™ set, only $73.95, will get things moving smoothly again. By “smooth,” I am not referring to online reviews of the Lube-O-Magic™, especially the ones Drew has posted on Pornhub.
• Hate it when you’re in the middle of cooking meatless Hamburger Helper for the third straight day–and a kitchen drawer is jammed? The SS2™ works like a charm. Buy a pair of them, for the special price of $67.95: if you keep one of them in a drawer, you can rescue it with the other! [Rescue from more dicey situations, like this no-wage summer-from-hell nightmare, not included]
• Few things can be more distracting than a pesky mosquito’s overnight buzz. Window screens don’t repair themselves, but no need for specialized doohickies! First, buy a screen patch kit from your local hardware store. Next, open the patch kit with the SS2™ Scissorz™ attachment ($59.95). Finally, follow the patch kit directions to patch the screen. A good night’s sleep awaits! The SS2 Scissorz™ attachment also works for clipping coupons, slashing your boss’s tires, or cutting yourself free from the illusion of “ennobling” unpaid labor.
• Looking to clean out the desk where you’ve been stuffing envelopes, filing paper that no one looks at anyway, and having to put up with the douchebaggery of a boss whose main qualification for the job consists of being a third-generation Ivy League nepo baby? Well, there’s an honest-to-god, order-now-while-supplies-last, figure-out-how-to-use-it-for-yourselves-motherfuckers SS2™ attachment for that. It’s the SS2™ Middle Finger Xtender™, and, at $97.95, it’s worth every penny.