Check out the new ‘Self-destructive’ Barbie range
Featuring Dehydrated Barbie and Social Media Junkie Barbie!
We all have self-destructive habits which have developed as a result of our heavily consumerist and digitalised culture — hey, pay attention! I saw you press that Facebook notification as soon as it popped up!
These habits can often feel isolating and embarrassing — so I’ve designed 8 Barbie dolls to remind self-destructive people they’re not alone; in fact, we’re all marching our way toward a dystopian doom filled with endless scrolling, relentless binging, anxiety, debt and general unhealthiness everywhere you look.
Disclaimer: this article is satirical and is not poking fun at people with these habits — most of these Barbies have been inspired by my own behaviours after all! However, if you feel you can relate a little too well to any of the Barbies and you feel your habits are having a negative impact on your daily life, please seek the help of a professional.
Social Media Junkie Barbie
Sponsored by Mark Zuckerberg!
- Constantly alternates between Facebook, Instagram and TikTok
- Average daily screen time is 8+ hours
- Panics if someone has the ‘green dot’ next to their name but they haven’t read her message
- Posts too many selfies
- Instagrams every meal when out
- Freaks when there’s a decrease in Facebook friends; tries desperately to figure out who could’ve deleted her (but it’s never anyone significant)
Binge-eating Barbie
- “Perfect for sharing” on a family-sized bag of chips means nothing
- Can demolish a tube of Pringles in the space of 5 minutes
- Slight inconvenience? Perfect excuse to snacky-snack
- Bored? Perfect excuse to snacky-snack
- Something good happened? Celebrate with an XL takeaway pizza and eat it in one sitting
Overspending Barbie
Only costs a weeks’ worth of wages — available at any toy store!
- “But I do definitely need this rainbow blobfish-shaped cover for my toaster — it’s essential”
- Is often broke a week after getting paid
- Buys items and never uses them
- Always finds an excuse to spend money
- Her friends have confiscated her credit card
Naptime Barbie
- Naps too often
- Thinks a nap will solve tiredness when actually it makes it worse
- 30 or 40 minutes isn’t long enough. Naptime needs to be at least 2 hours
- Naps out of boredom
- Can’t sleep at ‘normal’ times because of sleeping too much in the day
- Feels constantly irritable and groggy and doesn’t know why
Dehydrated Barbie
- Suffers from ‘unexplainable’ headaches
- Makes countless cups of tea but never drinks them before they go cold
- Doesn’t like the taste of water
- Wonders why she feels irritable or anxious when she hasn’t had any liquids for 3 hours
- Simply forgets to drink water
- Skin like the Grand Canyon
Overthinking Barbie
Comes with extra intrusive thoughts!
- Has the ability to jump to the worst conclusion at astonishing speeds
- Doubting is her favourite activity!
- Always seeks reassurance
- Life’s going too well? This Barbie will fix that.
- Constantly compares herself to other Barbies, is worried she’s the worst Barbie there is and that she could get discontinued at any moment
Overworked Barbie
- “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” mentality
- Says yes to too many projects
- Sets herself unrealistic timeframes to get everything finished
- When taking a blood test, there’s some blood in her coffee
- Her friends are pissed because she never has time to hang out anymore
Binge-drinking Barbie
Comes with a free bottle of vodka!
- Not quite an alcoholic — only on the weekends
- Doesn’t know when to stop
- Doesn’t understand the concept of ‘casual drinking’. It’s all or nothing, baby.
- Wine is for getting plastered, not for connoisseuring
- Frequently suffers from hangxiety
- Has flashbacks of doing things she deeply regrets after a night out
I hope you enjoyed reading this article!
Which Barbie can you relate to the most? Tell me in the comments!
