Corporate America, I Will No Longer ‘Stay on the Line’
Don’t worry, loyal Medium reader; I will not ask you to take a “brief survey” after reading this column.
Nor will I find your cell number, contact you and then ask you to “stay on the line” and rate the experience. I promise not to offer you an Amazon gift card or a sweepstakes entry if you would just give me “all fives” when I ask you a series of inane questions about my writing style.
I don’t need your love and praise that badly. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for the world’s biggest corporations, which suddenly seem to require gold stars and thumbs up emojis from their customers in order to continue functioning.
On a recent Saturday morning, I opened my email to find not one, not two, but THREE messages from Fortune 500 companies asking me for feedback on my recent interactions with their brands. First up? Starbucks, which I had visited the previous morning. After consenting to take the survey because, well, I’m a stand-up comedian and I have a lot of time on my hands, I was first asked if I was over or under 18.
Confession: I’ve had to answer that question on a few sites I’ve visited, but none that specialized in pumpkin spiced lattes. By clicking “yes,” would I be taken to the “dark” Starbucks site? One that specializes in X-rated beverages? Instead, I was asked to confirm that, yes, I did visit a Starbucks in Chicago’s Old Town neighborhood the previous morning.
Suddenly I felt like I had transitioned from coffee pervert to murder suspect.
Mr. Schwem, did anyone actually SEE you purchase a caramel macchiato? Did you save your receipt? No? Interesting. We’ll be in touch. In the meantime, please don’t leave the country.
“Did the employees make an effort to get to know you?” was next. I gave the highest rating because I couldn’t stand the idea of a barista being reprimanded because he or she wouldn’t take the time to commiserate with a sweaty, just-exited-his-health-club customer like myself. Starbucks, there were 15 people in line behind me. Do you really WANT your counter staff to keep them waiting while they get to know me better?
Greg, your mocha frappuccino is up. And, Greg, have you seen this hilarious TikTok video?
Finally, Starbucks asked how it could improve my experience. What was I supposed to say? I walked in, ordered coffee, a barista poured that coffee into a cup, I paid for it and I exited the premises. Want to improve that experience? Eliminate the “I paid for it” part. That will surely generate a series of “fives” from me and every other customer.
Next up was United Airlines, which transported me from Chicago to Houston hours after the Starbucks encounter. Their survey consisted of one question: “How likely are you to recommend United Airlines to a friend?”
I am a 60-year-old man with friends of similar ages. I’m quite certain all of them are familiar with United Airlines and don’t need an introduction from me.
“Hey, guys, next time you go to O’Hare, check out these big silver planes that are lined up on the tarmac. They all say ‘United.’ You GOTTA try them!”
Sandwiched between my Starbucks purchase and my flight was an Uber ride to the airport. As is customary, I was asked to rate my driver, in this case, Nzuji. Uber drivers, relax; I can relate to your plight, because I briefly drove for Uber. As long as my driver doesn’t take a route that involves plunging over a cliff into a polluted body of water, he or she is getting five stars. And if I survive the fall and surface in time to make my appointment, I’ll still tip. Uber passengers, I expect the same courtesy if I’m your driver someday.
I can only think of one company, a shall-not-be-named rental car firm, which will never again get my business due to a single incident. To the three companies mentioned, it will take more than a cold beverage, a delayed flight or a wrong turn to make me abandon your services. If I’m upset or have an improvement suggestion, I will reach out to you. Now please stop cluttering my inbox.
Readers, if you agree, can I have a “like”?
Greg Schwem is a business humorist, motivational corporate comedian, corporate emcee, nationally syndicated humor columnist for Tribune Content Agency and creator/host of the streaming TV series, “A Comedian Crashes Your Pad. He is also, when healthy, a 4.0 pickleball player.
