David Brooks’ Glossary of Fancy Food Terms for Poor People
by David Brooks
Dear Poor People,
As you may know, a couple days ago, I shared a touching anecdote about “insensitively” taking a poorly educated friend to a gourmet sandwich shop. The poor woman was unfamiliar with some of the foodie terminology. So I suggested that we flee the haughty sandwich shop for Mexican food — which is much less confusing even though it requires you to speak a foreign language. My point was that had she been richer, she would probably have been able to comfortably order a sandwich. But because she was raised poor and was therefore poorly educated, a trip to the deli turned into a humiliating experience for my poor friend.
But it then occurred to me that I, David Brooks, could help level the playing field between the poor and the rich by offering a glossary of fancy food terms for poor people. So, poor people, keep this glossary handy and you too will soon be ordering in gourmet sandwich shops just like a rich person. You’re welcome.
Fancy Food Terminology for Poor People
Caviar — Caviar is cured salted fish eggs. No, I am not kidding. The most expensive caviar comes from a type of fish called “sturgeon” which can be found in the Black Sea and Caspian Sea. Russian oligarchs love it! So do the Trumps! It is often served on “toast points” — which is just a fancy name for toast cut into triangles. Kind of like poor moms do with their kids’ PB&J sandwiches. So caviar on toast points is really nothing more than a rich person’s PB&J.
Charcuterie — Charcuterie is the preparation of cured meats to be served in a very fancy way. It’s kind of like if someone took all the toppings off of a Domino’s meat lover’s pizza, displayed them in an artistic way, and charged you $75.
Cronut — A cronut is a cross between a donut and a croissant. You are almost certainly familiar with donuts. You probably have a half dozen of them for breakfast every morning like most poor people. If you have never heard of a croissant, it is French for “crescent roll.” Just like the Pillsbury ones in the refrigerated section of your supermarket. They are tasty pastries. WARNING! Do not attempt this combination on your own. Dominique Ansel, the man who invented the cronut, has a team of amoral and humorless lawyers who will sue your ass if you try to steal Dominque’s idea. And let’s face it, poor people cannot afford lawyers.
Escargot — This disgusting food can be blamed on the French. Figures. Escargot are snails. Yes, the slimy things with shells that you might be able to find in your garden. Or maybe you have felt the crunch of their shells when you have stepped on them. French people remove the shells and saute (fancy French word for “fry”) snails in garlic and butter and call them “escargot.” Then they actually eat them. If you are interested in trying escargot, you may come to my spacious and tasteful estate in Connecticut and collect snails to take home.
Farm to Table — (See also “provenance” and “locally sourced”) Farm to table has to do with knowing where your food comes from. Rich people are obsessed with knowing who grew their food, how it was transported and how it is prepared. If you go to a restaurant with a rich person, be prepared for the rich person to ask about where the cows were raised that provided the milk for the cheese that is being grated over your pasta. You will also have to hear about where the wheat, eggs and tomatoes came from. The restaurant will get bonus Michelin points if the food was organically grown by the nuns in the convent next door. Pro tip — it is rude to fall asleep while this story is being told.
Foie Gras — Another thing we can blame on the French. Foie gras is the liver of a duck or goose that has been fattened by force-feeding it corn with a feeding tube. Yes, it’s mean. But it’s not like you’ve been taking care of your liver very well what with all that drinking of malt liquor.
Gluten Free — Gluten is a protein found in some plant products such as wheat. It is what makes bread dough elastic and what makes bread chewy. Some people with condition called “Celiac’s disease” are unable to process gluten. But over the last few years, gluten free products have become all the rage among rich people. It has also sucked much of the fun out of being rich. Yes, I can live on an estate and drive a fancy car, but what fun is that if I cannot eat baguette? My theory is that in the future, scientists will discover that gluten is what holds the universe together.
Kale — Rich people put kale in everything. It is a green, leafy vegetable that can be served cooked, raw, blended into a smoothie, or pureed for your baby. It can also be used as shampoo, toilet paper, roofing tiles and is used as currency in a few small nations. It will never taste good.
Kobe Beef — Kobe beef is a super fancy and super expensive beef from cows raised in a very specific way in a small area in Japan. Most notably, Kobe beef can only come from castrated steers or virgin cows. No wonder it is so tender. It has never had any fun.
Kopi Luwak — This one cannot be blamed on the French. Kopi Luwak is coffee made from part-digested coffee cherries eaten and defecated by the Asian palm civet. In other words, Kopi Luwak is literally coffee made from cat shit. Although one would think that cat shit coffee would not be that desirable, Kopi Luwak is one of the most expensive coffees in the world. Go figure. Please note, that feeding your cat Folgers and then making coffee from her poop is probably not a good idea. But you might be able to sell it to rich people because rich people are apparently stupid.
Offal — This is another inexplicable trend that has been sweeping through restaurants frequented by rich people. Offal is the parts of an animal that any normal person would consider too gross to eat. You know, things like the heart, intestines and uterus. Here’s an illustration of offal:
Offal indeed. Bon appetite, rich people!
Sous Vide — is a method of cooking in which food is vacuum-sealed in a plastic pouch and then placed in a water bath or steam. In other words, it is rich people’s boil in bag meals. So the next time you turn up your nose when someone plops a bag of Stouffer’s chipped beef into boiling water, remember that rich people love boil in bag meals.
Soylent Green — ”Soylent Green is people! It’s people!” Ok, this is fictional. Back in the dark ages, there was a movie about a dystopian future where food was scarce and the poor were forced to eat something called “Soylent Green.” At the end, the hero finds out that Soylent Green is made from people. In reality, the rich do not eat human flesh. Yet.
Best,
David Brooks
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Page Barnes is Founder of the award-winning humor publication, The Haven. Find it and follow it at Medium.com/the-haven. And write for The Haven if you dare. If you enjoyed this article, please click the 💚 and share it.
