Write for The Haven

See Your Work in Our Third-Rate Publication

Page Barnes
Apr 21, 2017 · 6 min read

ETA: Hey aspiring writers! It’s Page. I’m retiring from managing The Haven, but the awesome Christine Stevens is taking over, and the policies will remain the same!

What Content Will The Haven Publish?

The Haven wants to publish your humor! We’ll take all types of humor writing — essays, fake news, lists, short stories, poetry, cartoons — as long as it does not contain misogyny, racism, homophobia, transphobia, violence or other demeaning content. The Haven especially hates ageism because the Founder is old-ish. And cranky. So stay off her lawn.

The Founder is also generally not into gross humor, shock humor or potty humor. In addition, the Founder does not have an unlimited appetite for super dark humor — although she sometimes thinks it’s hilarious. Also, no dumb blonde jokes. The Founder happens to be blonde and is periodically an idiot, but dumb blonde jokes are boring. So are cheap shots at any part of a woman’s body. OTOH, snark and swearing are encouraged.

Also, please keep in mind that the Founder is a middle-aged, straight, white, cis-woman, so she may not immediately identify content that others deem problematic. If you have concerns about the content of this publication, please email the Founder at thehavencomedy@gmail.com.

How Can I Submit to The Haven?

If you are not already a writer for The Haven, please send an email with your Medium handle to thehavencomedy@gmail.com. Again, SEND YOUR MEDIUM HANDLE! We’ll add you as a writer so that you can submit. Please note that adding you as a writer does not mean that you will be published on The Haven; it just means that you have the ability to submit. BTW: Did I say SEND YOUR MEDIUM HANDLE? Because you should SEND YOUR MEDIUM HANDLE! (Can you tell that this has been an ongoing issue?) Please be patient when you make a request to be added as a writer. It could take a week or more to add you, and there are times when we take brief hiatuses from adding new writers. If we’re on a break, it will be posted at the start of this page.

Do not send your submissions by email. They won’t be read until they’re submitted through the platform.

If you have been added as a writer for The Haven or have been previously published on The Haven, you can submit by clicking that thing that looks like a flower or a bolt or a death star in the upper right hand corner of your story. If there is nothing along those lines in the upper right hand corner, congratulations, you have defeated the death star. Then click the “…” and it will give you an option to submit to a publication. This process works on a desktop/laptop. On mobile devices, there’s no “…” but you will be given options to submit to a publication. If none of this works, click on everything on the page and eventually you’ll figure it out — just like a monkey with a typewriter will eventually write Shakespeare.

If you need additional help, the Founder recommends this article for a description of how to add your story to a publication (with screenshots)!

Is There Anything You Will Not Publish?

In addition to the topics mentioned above, The Haven does not publish links to articles elsewhere. Please put the full content in your submission. Also, The Haven only publishes the original work of the submitter. We will not publish articles where the copyright is in doubt. The Haven is not the copyright police, but The Haven has received some articles/photos that are obviously not the work of the submitter or have clear copyright issues (e.g. compilations of funny stuff found elsewhere on the Internet). We will not publish that material. We also don’t publish one liners or super short articles/poetry. Minimum 100 words with limited exceptions. Lastly, no, we are not interested in publishing your novel. Keep the length within reason.

Will You Edit My Submission?

No. If your piece is accepted by The Haven, it will go up as submitted (with the possible exception of some formatting changes and, possibly, some obvious typo corrections), so you might want to spellcheck your work first. Also, speaking of checks, you might want to check with your mother, significant other, best friend, children, employer and/or anyone else who may be offended. Except members of the Trump administration. Go ahead and offend them without checking.

Also (pro tip), The Haven strongly encourages you to include at least one photo/drawing in your submission. Submissions without photos tend to get overlooked by readers more than those with photos. Please try to make it a photo that you have the right to use. If you use something that has watermarks or is otherwise clearly a stock photo you have cribbed from elsewhere, your article will not be published. The Haven loves unsplash.com and pexels.com as sources of legit photos, but there are many great sites that have free photos.

Also, please, only one submission at a time and no more than one per day. Once we’ve processed your submission and the Earth has made a full turn on its axis, you can submit again.

How Quickly Will You Publish My Work?

We aim to get pieces published within 48 hours. But sometimes life intervenes, so it may take longer. Also as noted above, the Founder is kind of old, and she likes to take long naps. If we do not respond to the submission, please make sure that it is not still sitting in your drafts folder. Rest assured that unless the Founder and her henchwoman, Christine, have both been flattened by a bus, your submission will be reviewed. Please don’t email about the status of your submission unless it’s absolutely necessary. It just makes more work for the Founder and that makes her as cranky as someone walking on her lawn.

Also, if you’re submitting a piece that is (United States) holiday sensitive, please submit at least 3 days in advance. Same goes for unofficial holidays like Valentines Day, Halloween, etc. In the days leading up to a holiday, the Founder may start celebrations early or be working like a scullery maid in her kitchen and may not get to your submission if it comes in while she is in panic mode. So your Thanksgiving piece that is submitted on Thanksgiving eve may not go up until Cyber Monday. Also, if you’re not already a writer and want to submit something time sensitive, please contact us at least a week in advance.

Who Owns My Work?

You own your work. In fact, by submitting to The Haven, you are representing that you own the rights to the material you have submitted and have the right to publish it at The Haven. You are giving The Haven a license to publish your work for as long as you and The Haven mutually agree. You are solely and exclusively responsible for the content of your pieces.

You may remove your work from The Haven at any time, and The Haven reserves the right to de-publish your work for any reason or no reason at all. Because the Founder is like that — she enjoys the occasional power trip. You are also agreeing to idemnify The Haven for any costs incurred by The Haven as a result of material you publish on this site.

Will You Publish Previously Published Pieces?

As long as you own the right to republish previously published work, The Haven will accept previously published pieces. If The Haven gets a cease and desist letter from someone claiming a copyright violation, the Founder will be supremely pissed. World class pissed. And fair warning — the Founder is a lawyer, so she knows how to make your life miserable.

Will You Pay Me for My Work?

Ha ha ha ha ha! That’s hilarious! Of course we will not pay you for your work. The Founder isn’t making any money on this enterprise, and she is not Kylie Jenner. Or Oprah. Or even one of The Real Housewives.

BUT . . . Medium allows publications to publish articles behind the Medium paywall. We are willing to include those articles on The Haven. (Please note, at this time, all the proceeds from articles behind the paywall go directly to the author. The Haven does not take a cut. But we reserve the right to change that policy in the future. Because The Haven doesn’t manage itself.)

But while we’re talking about finances, The Haven has a Patreon! Or, if you want to make a one time donation, you can Venmo it to @pagebarnes. Please put “The Haven” in the comment so that I can differentiate it from my black market American Girl doll business. (Kidding! I hate American Girl dolls!) Any contributions would be appreciated.

Thanks for your interest in writing for The Haven!

The Haven