SATIRE
I Wish You Could Be More Mindful, Like Me
I am the king of mindfulness
These are trying times. People need to work harder not to give in to anger.
Are you an angry person? Perhaps I can help you to become more mindful.
First, you must accept that some things are out of your control. My wife forgets this on occasion and gets angry with me for not loading the dishwasher. I say, “Babe, don’t be one of the angry people. My not loading the dishwasher is out of your control. Try to be mindful, like me. I’m amazingly mindful.” And I go back to playing Pokémon: Let’s Go Pikachu.
Second, you must observe your own emotions to gain a modicum of control over them. My wife is not the best at this and gets angry when she returns from a 36-hour shift in the intensive care unit to see I have neither fed the baby nor changed its nappy. I say, “Lover, don’t let anger spoil your pretty face. Your anger at my not feeding, changing, or knowing the gender of the baby is an emotional response, and thus futile. Try to be mindful, like me. I’m supremely mindful.” And I unpause Battlestar Galactica.
Third, you must stop striving for material success and learn to live in the moment. My wife is lousy at this and gets angry with me when I refuse to babysit if her job interviews coincide with my weekly online Escape Room activity. I say, “Sweety, don’t let your anger raise your blood pressure — you know what Dr. Coulson said. Do you seriously think that a management position, regular working hours, and a higher salary will make you any happier than watching people die in the ICU? Try to be mindful, like me. I’m bountifully mindful.” And I put on my headphones and finish the latest episode of the How Stuff Works podcast.
Letting go is also a key concept in mindfulness. I’m sorry to say my wife has got to grips with this one. Just yesterday, she let me go and moved into a bedsit in Amsterdam West. I said, “Jess, you may have mastered the art of letting go, but you have neglected to learn how to be patient. Can you be patient with me? Can you find it in your heart to stay?”
Jess looked at me. For a moment, I thought she had let go of her anger and remembered to be non-judging, generous, and accepting of me and my mindful ways.
“Why do you want me to stay?” she said.
I tried to approach this question with a beginner’s mind, which is an important mindfulness principle. What if I were seeing my wife for the first time? What would draw me to this angry woman?
Would it be the slightly jaundiced tinge of the skin hanging loose about her neck? The dark shadows under her eyes? Her prematurely graying hair?
As I stood and regarded my wife as if she were a stranger, I became mindful of the fact I was completely present. I was living in the moment. I was being so bloody mindful!
“Honey, do you see? We’re both being mindful in complete synchronicity! We’re accepting that this situation is out of our control, we’re aware of our emotions, and we’re present in the moment! We’ve done it! We’re strolling through Mindful City, together! I want us to be like this forever!”
Jess didn’t look excited.
“Darren, are you mindful of the fact you’ve forgotten somebody? This discussion affects three of us.”
Three people? Who could she mean?
“You’re hopeless! I’m talking about your daughter. Do you know where she is at this moment?”
Dear reader, I had been so mindful I hadn’t noticed my daughter wasn’t in the room.
“Where is she?”
“My mother let herself in this morning after knocking on the door for five minutes. You were asleep on the couch. Clarissa was eating out of the dog’s bowl. She’d seen enough and took her home.”
Wait — we had a dog?
At that moment, I accepted Jess would be leaving.
Looking back, my main feeling is one of gratitude. At least I have the tools to deal with my abandonment mindfully. I am still the boss of mindfulness.
Now, back to Minecraft.
