In My Bar, Dogs Will Drink for Free
I recently attended a neighborhood art fair — the kind that springs up on city streets during warm weather months and creates pleasant chaos as artists share the block, or in this case four blocks, with longtime retail merchants.
I saw everything from painted bamboo rods to sculptures created out of discarded auto parts to a booth sponsored by a Cadillac dealership that, for reasons unknown, was allowed to hawk one of its cars in the fair’s center. The sales representative was none too pleased when I ran my hand over the vehicle and asked if his work was titled “Cadillac on Canvas” or “Cadillac on Acrylic.”
Mostly, however, I saw dogs.
I saw dogs sniffing $10,000 paintings; dogs staring at charcoal sketches, no doubt wondering if the color scheme would compliment their doggy beds; heck, I saw a dog lie down in a booth and refuse to leave.
Dogs were napping beneath al fresco diners, entering and exiting the local Walgreens with their owners and causing pedestrian traffic jams due to their willingness to accept head scratches and belly rubs, courtesy of every art fest patron.
Am I complaining about this canine love display? Quite the contrary. Since COVID-19, the world has been taken over by dogs. We humans just live in it.
Which is why, if I ever open that bar I’ve always dreamed of, the first sign patrons will see as they approach will be: DOGS DRINK FOR FREE!
Pappy Van Winkle Bourbon is Off Limits
You read that right, dog owners and dog lovers. Bring your pooch into my dark, inviting, cat-free watering hole, pull up a stool and order whatever you like. Your cares and troubles are already melting away, specifically because you didn’t have to leave your dog behind. Order a shot for yourself and I’ll pour a second, complimentary shot into one of the community dog bowls hanging behind the bar. Top shelf liquor may be exempt; I have yet to run the numbers.
Are you an IPA lover? No doubt your dog is, too, as he or she has probably slurped up remnants of a beer you spilled in your own house. I will expertly tilt the dog bowl as I place it under the tap. Why should your loyal companion wait for foam to dissipate before taking that first sip?
Rules? Hell yeah, we have rules!
Take note though, bar/dog lovers: Free alcohol is a privilege, and privileges come with rules that must be adhered to. So, please read carefully before entering my establishment:
NO BARKING ALLOWED. If your dog makes a sound, even if that sound could be interpreted as, “Bartender, may I have please have another Budweiser,” both of you will be asked to leave. That means your dog had better be chill around other dogs, who may be lying under neighboring stools.
On that note, NO WANDERING. Your dog will enter my bar, lie under your stool and remain there for the duration of your visit. If you choose to shoot pool, throw darts or even visit the restroom, your dog does not get to accompany you. This ain’t Walgreens!
TIP GENEROUSLY. I know your dog doesn’t carry cash but you, the owner, does. For the privilege of letting your best friend into my establishment, you will leave a gratuity on the bar when you leave. I also accept Venmo.
Finally, NO OVERSERVING. If your dog can’t pace itself, and elects to inhale an entire drink in one slurp, it will have to wait until you order another. I will also decide when the both of you have had enough. If that happens, you will be escorted from the bar to an awaiting Uber. I’m not sure what Uber’s policy is regarding dogs, but that’s not my problem.
If you can abide by all these rules, I will see you soon. I need to find a space and get appropriate permits but it won’t be long until you will look at your dog and say, “We both could use a cold one!”
No worries. Pup & Sup is open for business.
Greg Schwem is a business humorist, motivational corporate comedian, corporate emcee, nationally syndicated humor columnist for Tribune Content Agency and creator/host of the streaming TV series, “A Comedian Crashes Your Pad.
