Muse In The News, Vol. 3
Wherein I joke about the wackiest headlines I could find, yet again.
Returning readers of my column may be privy to my penchant for paddling the headlines, much in the style of a late-night monologue or drunken dinner-table diatribe.
In case you missed it, I’ve been running a series of jokes about the silliest, craziest, and most outright maddening headlines to grace my home page in the interest of refining the 24 hour media cycle into digestible chunks of premium comedy.
The United States is set to give $3 Billion in arms to Ukraine, along with an unspecified number of legs.
Donald Trump’s team just royally screwed him in broad daylight. Boy oh boy, these celebrity OnlyFans creators are ruining the platform for everyone.
Teacher hatches ingenious plan to catch cheaters during exam. He caught 14 students fucking his wife.
Employee who lost half his skull after a pub golf outing sues PwC for criminal negligence. The company has denied any wrongdoing, simply stating “It’s nothing to lose your head over.”
Parkland school shooter Nikolas Cruz’s drawings from a Florida jail reveal his disturbed mind, and a promising career as a manga artist in his future.
Student loan companies will scramble to adjust and some borrowers could fall into delinquency if Biden extends the payment pause.
If these corporations couldn’t afford to give out loans, they should pull themselves up by their bootstraps and stop begging for handouts.
Top Hungarian weather service officials fired after delivering the wrong forecast. The team were subsequently offered a position alongside the new White House press secretary.
Airline crew shortages and delayed flights have travelers lamenting their “Worst travel experience ever” weeks before the anniversary of 9/11.
The IRS has initiated a safety probe after workers received violent threats, but I’d also just accept the money in exchange for my silence.
NASA scientists have finally uncovered the sound a black hole makes! The bad news is, it sounds exactly like “Gangnam Style”
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