Narnia Wardrobes to be Installed in Schools Across USA

The U.S. Federal Government has initiated its three stage action plan to tackle school shootings, dubbed ‘Operation Trifle’.

The first stage of the plan, as revealed on Thursday, involves the installation of special closets in classrooms, designed to be secret ‘emergency exits’ in the event that a catastrophe strikes the school.

What might seem to be an ordinary closet out of a furniture store is no ordinary closet. The closets have been created by DARPA, utilizing advanced teleportation technology that was previously unavailable to the public.

The steel skidoo cabinet created by DARPA, distinguishable from other wooden cabinets in classrooms. (Source)

Akin to the wardrobe in Narnia, the closets will serve as portals to more secure locations where members of the school may assemble. Large halls at the Mount Weather Emergency Operations Center have been designated as safe destinations for authorized users of the portal.

Staff will have to scan their credentials and biometrics to enable the device, after which students and staff may escape to a more secure location by skidoo-ing though the portal on the back side of the closet.

School lockdown procedures will be redesigned following this development.

A White House spokesperson said, “The portal has been tested thoroughly, and is approved for use in emergency situations. Currently, these will only be supplied to schools and federal agencies.”

DARPA also claims that the devices are “fool-proof and impossible to reverse engineer, thus keeping the technology safe.”

It is unclear what the penalties for misuse of the device will be, though the White House has said that the President is racing to complete a draft of regulations regarding the use of the closet.

The second stage of Operation Trifle, as per rumors, involves the addition of robot campus security in schools. Owing to the shortage in the police force, these robot cops will be armed with deadly weapons, and will be unleashed by the head of the school in the event of an emergency. The robot cops, unafraid of encounters with gunmen, are rumored to have a reassuring 76% success rate in taking down armed suspects.

The plan is expensive, and implementation of the first stage is estimated to cost the U.S. Government approximately 14 billion dollars. The funds for this project are set to be accounted for in the 2019 (and following years’) budget.

“It’s the right way forward. We must fight fire with fire, while keeping the guns and the innocent out of harm’s way,” said the White House press release.

Though the step has been lauded by lawmakers, the White House has not provided a timeline for the execution of Operation Trifle, a concern for various citizen safety groups.

School fees will be unaffected by this move.

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