No Ginger Root? What kind of a $%#! Wedding Is This?

Graduation season is officially winding down, which means my checkbook and Apple Pay account can take a slight breather before I reopen them and dole out more monetary gifts; not for those completing an adventure, but beginning one.

Welcome to wedding season.

I expect to be purchasing wedding cards with those handy, “the-check-goes-here,” slots for years to come, as our friends’ kids have reached their mid-20s and are starting to take the marital plunge. Luckily my oldest daughter, a recent college grad, presently has no significant other in her life, which is fine by me. My life is a bit crazy right now, which means I have little time to run around town securing a church, a reception hall, a DJ, CBD oil and ginger root.

The last two items are apparently necessary if the out-of-town guest list includes millennials, at least according to a recent study by health and wellness brand EZ Lifestyle. The Canadian-based firm surveyed more than 1,000 millennials — no small feat in itself (hey, we kid) — on their preferred contents of a wedding gift bag.

Prior to reading the survey results, I had to ask my wife if our nuptials even included gift bags. We’ve been married 25 years, and memories of our special day are a bit hazy; although, I do remember that I returned my tuxedo on time. I also remember purchasing gifts for my groomsmen but was certain we skipped the swag bag gesture. My wife corrected me.

“What was in them?” I asked.

“I don’t remember,” she replied.

“Can you remember one item? Just one?”

“I know we left a note. And maybe some chocolate or something?”

“Did we write the note?”

“Of course we did.”

“What did it say?”

“I don’t remember.”

It truly was a magical day.

“Chocolate or something” would most likely end up in the garbage before all the guests have filed into the church, according to the EZ Lifestyle study. Millennials were asked if they would prefer a bag filled with today’s most popular wedding gift bag contents or “trending healthy alternatives.” The popular items included sleep masks, ear plugs, plastic sunglasses, bug spray and canned cocktails. This was news to me, proving it’s been awhile since I’ve opened a wedding invitation.

Upon reading the list, I immediately told my two daughters to disregard every negative comment I’ve ever made about getting married in a 24-hour Las Vegas chapel. I also told them that if they request outdoor weddings, they will occur in bug-free environments. As I write this column, I am in Ketchikan, Alaska, and have not been accosted by a single insect, rendering bug spray unnecessary. I may price out a few wedding DJs while I’m here.

Millennials, the study concluded, would prefer healthier wedding swag, including CBD oil, non-fried, high-protein doughnuts, an ice detox tea starter kit, and basically anything containing the words “natural” or “sustainable.” Also, anything that cures hangovers. Not surprisingly, EZ Lifestyle manufacturers a wide variety of natural hangover remedies.

“For brides and grooms, we hope this study helps provide new and healthy alternatives to the traditional selection of wedding gift bags,” said EZ Lifestyle CEO Tom Greenberg.

I was tempted to show the study to my neighbor, who graciously invited us to his daughter’s wedding this November. The ceremony and reception will take place in downtown Chicago, just 30 miles from my house. We’re still debating whether to stay in a downtown hotel that evening as opposed to driving home. Chicago hotels are not cheap. Then again, the thought of waking up the following morning to some high-protein doughnuts is intriguing.

Personally, I’d be happy to include these “millennial-approved” items in my daughter’s bags. However, it might mean cutting back on other wedding extravagances. Millennials, instead of open bar at the reception, how would you feel about plunking down some cash every time you wanted a drink?

I’m guessing you wouldn’t need ginger root the next day.

Greg Schwem is a business humorist, motivational corporate comedian, corporate emcee, nationally syndicated humor columnist for Tribune Content Agency and creator of the web series, “A Comedian Crashes Your Pad.”