Relationship Vice. Trust Me Women, I’m An Expert.
Hi ev’ry body!
I’m here to give you advice on issues of the heart. Love, Dating, or as I prefer to call it, ‘going steady,’ ‘stepping out’ or, ‘courting,’ and the big Arr, Romance.
What makes me an expert? Well you’re here reading this ain’t you?
My advice last time was very well received. So much so that someone calling themselves Lou C. Lastic got in touch to say, “Love the advice! However, how about concentrating on advice specifically catered for women or for men?
Me: “Pacifically.”
Lou C. Lastic: No.
Anyway, I’m happy to oblige. It’d be sexist to say ladies first and start with women, however it would be propping up the Patriarchy if I start with men. So, I’ll toss a coin for it. Oops, it fell down a crack in the floorboards.
In solidarity with my sister dudes, as Queen Latifah once said, ‘Ladies First.’
1. Me, Myself and Me
The first question is the most important question. Are you happy with yourself? If the answer is yes, then be prepared to change to bag a bloke. No, I’m not saying this because you’re a woman; I’m saying this because some men have high standards, which sometimes require you to lower yours.
2. Communication
This is key in any future whatchamacallit. Men like to talk about themselves. So choose manly topics like Cooking, Cleaning, Shopping, Baking and Dressage. If he’s not willing to talk about any of these, he’s a bad un.
However, bear in mind not all men want to talk, as this encounter illustrates:
Woman: You need to talk about your feelings more.
Man: Fuck off.
Woman: You need to stop bottling things up.
Man: You can talk. You make jam!
3. Autonomy
‘Independence’ in fancy speak. Independence is very important for the modern woman. Look at Nicola Sturgeon. However, can you be independent and still have a bloke on your arm? Yes you can. Just make the following clear to a potential suitor:
“I want a relationship, but I also want my independence.”
If he replies, “What, like Brexit?” kick him to the curb.
Warning, don’t be so independent that you don’t actually want to be in a relationship. You’ll find this is actually quite unattractive to men who want relationshippy stuff.
4. Cultivating A Special Connection
Men want women to be able to read their minds. However, men don’t want women to be able to read their minds as this would be an invasion of privacy. So, that’s that sorted innit.
5. Money
Occasionally you may encounter men who are comfortable with you paying for absolutely everything. They’re not Gold Diggers, Gold Diggers can’t be men silly. Anyway, these men are just embracing what they see as the opportunities offered to them by feminism, which means never willingly flashing any Dead Queens.
1st Person: Live Kings.
Me [waving £5 note]: Dead Queens.
Remember dudes, this is the 21st Century. Men will not automatically pay for a meal. In fact I would argue that there is nothing more romantic than going Danish.
1st Person: ‘Dutch.’
Me: That’s a nasty cough.
6. Flirting
In the olden days it was easy to flirt with the opposite sex as the opposite sex was usually sat opposite you, as opposed to now where they could be on the opposite side of the world sat opposite you on a computer.
1st Person: Computer? Someone’s showing their age.
Me: So are you, Gen Z wanker.
When it comes to flirting with men, I’ll let you into a secret. Men like women who flirt with men who like men who like to be flirted with. However some men don’t like women who flirt with men who like men who like to be flirted with. Whilst some men think flirting is what you call a screen of heavy cloth or other material that can be raised or lowered at the front of a stage.
7. Character
Men pride themselves on being well organised. Therefore there is nothing more attractive than a woman who is, well, organised. If you want to demonstrate how well organised you are…. Shit, I should’ve wrote it down.
Go get them girll! Not you, you’ve a boyfriend.
My advice is always:
Measured Accurate Diligent Enlightened, Universal Professional.
Please do not turn that into an acronym.
