Some Striking Jokes About This Week’s News
Bans on abortion, financial extortion, and changes in portions…
Returning readers of my riotous ramblings may know that I’m a professional humorist, pop culture columnist, and WGA hopeful, spouting sardonic jabs at the week’s silliest headlines in an effort to both replicate Late Night television monologues as well as appeal to their hiring editors.
Of course, those workers are currently on the front lines picketing for fair treatment and career security, so I’m using my comfortable seated position to crack jokes about the news, and tell AMPTP CEOs like Bob Iger to go fuck themselves.
You can catch the first 8 volumes of the “Jokes About The News” series here!
Let’s dive into the day’s most dizzying dispatches, starting with:
Woman suing Texas over abortion ban refuses to carry her lunch to its full term.
Justice Kavanaugh has been skewered as a “lightweight” in brutal analysis.
“Jokes on you” Kavanaugh said in a rebuttal, “Could a lightweight have had six whiskey sours in the last 20 minutes? Didn’t think so.”
President Biden sparks concerns after reciting his favorite Playboi Carti lyrics during meeting with Israeli President Isaac Herzog.
Leaked emails allege Texas Border Patrol agents were instructed to push migrants into the Rio Grande, even though that prank hasn’t been funny since 1993!
Russian mercenary boss Yevgeny Prigozhin claims Putin’s front is a disgrace.
The military strategist later added “And don’t even get me started on his rear!”
Truckers, UPS workers, and American Airlines employees all appear to be mobilizing with plans to strike this week, just as SAG-AFTRA announced a strike of their own.
“You just can’t write this stuff!” Says local WGA rep.
McDonald’s has announced a major menu change due to looming threats of a McNuggets strike.
More than 1 million Americans are apparently missing.
But are we sure we haven’t checked Ohio?
‘Money Talks News’ has published their list of 11 expenses to cut now if you want to retire early.
The list includes things like avocado toast, Starbucks coffees, and submersible trips to see the Titanic.
Slain man’s murderers claim to be hot on their own trail, and only 26 years too late!
