Sun’s Out, Puns Out
Some jokes about the headlines to kick off the Summer
Long time readers of my riotous ramblings may know that I’m a professional humorist, pop culture columnist, and WGA hopeful, spouting sardonic jabs at the week’s silliest headlines in an effort to both replicate Late Night television content as well as appeal to their hiring editors.
Of course, due to the ongoing Writers Guild of America strike, those series are currently off the air, citing their inability to pay their writers a livable wage. So, with my written content presumably cornering the market for monologue style comedy, I’d like to take this brief opportunity to say: David Zaslav can eat a dick. Pay your writers.
Anyway, you can catch the first 7 volumes of the series here!
But enough about the tired, cranky, antiquated headlines of weeks past. It’s time to look forward to a whole new era of absurdity, including…
Witnesses claim to have seen military fighter jets engaging with a UFO over Michigan. Apparently the craft refused to land on the basis that the aliens “Didn’t want to wind up in Detroit.”
Additional reports found similar crafts sitting on cinder blocks in a bad part of town.
A pitcher for the New York Mets was ejected from a game after being caught cheating. Apparently he was getting a blowjob from the catcher.
The Daily Express US poses an important ethical dilemma: Is it okay to body-shame a brutal authoritarian dictator?
Former president (and current fat-ass fuck) Donald Trump cannot answer one question: What is Obama’s last name?
Scientists have confirmed that psychedelics cause unexpected chemical reactions in the brain, and craaaazy colors on the walls and ceilings!
Peyton Manning is under fire for ordering his favorite beverage at the college world series.
“What do you mean you don’t have new coke?” said the former NFL quarterback.
Early Oppenheimer viewers are leaving the movie devastated.
It wouldn’t be the first time he completely devastated a crowd… In fact, it’s sort of his whole thing.
New search for actor Julian Sands on California mountain is unsuccessful.
Casting directors have stated that they’ll accept “A Julian Sands type.”
Tom Brady hid major holes during his time with the Buccaneers.
Apparently lots of air was deflating out of them.
Wealthy elites who paid for the full “Titanic experience” got more than they bargained for when their submersible watercraft disappeared at sea.
Hollywood sequels are really getting out of hand. And production values have seriously dropped since the writers strike began!
But at least James Cameron can bust in his drawers over the opportunity to produce Titanic 2: 2 Tit 2 Tanic.
