Trump Names Melania FBI Chief as Mother’s Day Present

“Most Qualified Member of Trump Family”

In what should have been a completely predictable development, President Trump announced today that he is appointing his wife, Melania, to the position of Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, following Trump’s firing of former FBI chief, James Comey.

“After carefully considering the qualifications of all of the members of my immediate family, I have decided to appoint my wife, Melania, as Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation,” the President announced during a “Mothers Are Bigly Important” event in the Rose Garden.

After welcoming a crowd consisting mostly of old white men to the Mother's Day event, the President first explained how he would honor mothers by taking away their maternity care benefits which would lower insurance premiums, making insurance for non-pregnant people more affordable. “Mothers are used to sacrifice,” the President noted, “so I’m sure they won’t mind sacrificing their health care too.” The statement was met with cheers of approval from the non-pregnant old white men in attendance.

He then added, “You know, last night, I was watching reruns of ‘Hannity’ (great man, Sean Hannity, not like Lester Holt, who is both a fake newscaster and a black man) when I suddenly remembered that today is Mother’s Day. I’ve been so busy this week being the most successful and popular President in American history, believe me, that Mother’s Day had almost completely slipped my mind, and I had no gift for Melania.”

“That’s when I realized that I could give Melania a true gift from the heart for Mother’s Day. What better way to express my feelings for her than to put her in charge of a massive bureaucracy she wants nothing to do with? Plus, Melania possesses the most important qualification for the new head of the FBI — complete indifference to anything I do.”

“So Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there. Here’s hoping that you’ve been able to get back into shape after giving birth.”

Page Barnes is a mother and the founder of the new Medium humor publication, The Haven. Find it at Medium.com/the-haven. And write for The Haven if you dare. If you enjoyed this article, please click the 💚 and share it.

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