The Falacy Of Hope.
Hoping that hope will save you is hopeful but not actual.
This week I witnessed (building up that drama)…… a tweet conversation! in which two legends discussed the coming to the end of the 30 day dry january effort. Both pretty much coming to the same conclusion. It hadn’t make them feel any better and that the taste of the pint they celebrated with tasted better than any non gain they got from not drinking.
I’ve now been off the sauce for 6 months and I often, always, as in like every single actual day find myself smiling for almost no reason. Except the reason is that I feel absolutley incredible. And I am talking about feeling incredible because I am doing everything I possibly can to reach and sustain this serenity and hightened wowness.
I didn’t feel like this in month one, in fact I remember early doors while chasing the desired feeling (I’d seen so many others talk about the hypothetical next level of ‘being’) —I was feeling pretty disappointed that there was zero effects to stopping alchohol for many months (other than the gold stacking up in the spare room from the savings of not wasting my life in pubs and restauraunts).
You see, hoping that the feeling would come by just sitting and hoping isn’t going to do shit. I know, because I was there. I wanted a heightened feeling of zen, or purpose, of fucking appreciating the humans around me, the achievements I could make and the realistion that I could actually achieve anything I wanted. I also wanted to give myself the confidence to just lol at the social construct I was living in.
Note to fucking self: this world isn’t actually real.. as in it is clearly real, but it actually isn’t. this is why I don’t take it (life)the slightest bit serious now, I don’t actually believe in much of the constructs and I focus on the humanity side of life — in a very dumbed down mills esk example I am never ever going to do anything I don’t want to do, I am not going to wear a fucking suit, I am never going to wear trousers, and I am not going to wear shit black shoes.. I fucking hate fashion and hate the construct that it protects.. ala you need to look like this or that in certain situations, I am a caveman in my head.. simples — ok that was a diversion off the track I am yet to beat but who cares.. I don’t
Imagine a car crashing back through the woods back onto the highway of hope.. that’s this writing.. back on the track.. sense track…
What I want to say is that if you want to feel amazing (and I genuingly do now after 6 months, although it’s taken that long) you have to want to feel amazing. You need to actually choose..
There are two choices..
- Continue as you are.. in the lane of hope, cruising.. it’s gonna be pretty nice (actually I fucking hated it) and it’s gonna be safe.. but you are never going to feel what you can feel when it comes to the potential available to you as a human being — ever.
- Make big changes, and I mean the changes many ‘feelz’ surfers like me have made. You need to let go of many parts of your life, make major sacrifices, Stop alcohol, Stop eating meat, stop eating any any any bad foods, focus on a major amount of fitness (I don’t mean lifting weights in a manly gym, I mean about mobility, flexibility, running…) and commit to a life change that at first will make you feel like you have lost life.
If you choose (2) and push through the downs.. I can assure you one thing.. You will find a mind and body utopia like nothing you can have ever experienced if you haven’t made that commit. You’ll lose weight from the body and mind that was doing nothing but weighing you down. You’ll strip away much of the fabric that is designed to hold you back. You’ll be free.
You have to want to make it. And if the thought of not drinking is too crazy an idea then you’ll never experience the feeling.. a feeling that is at least 6 months away from any start point. (as an aside the mates going on about you not going to the pub with them etc stops after about 4 months (before then it’s daily bombardment) and then it all stops.. and you realise that alchohol isn’t actually a thing and you don’t miss it one bit.. ie it’s not an important part of your life, it’s not part of the human puzzle like I had actually thought it was.. i.e. breathing, eating, sleeping, drinking alchohol — I’d thought life couldnt go on without these simple things.. what a joke I was (am)
I am gonna end on this, the last 6 months I left behind a life that I had thought I was meant to live, I had been coasting, I was a fucking zombie in a life.. Alchohol was the perfect sedation which allowed me to not get anything done. In my opinion alchohol is amazing if you want to not achieve anything, it’s a brilliant numming drug.
In the last month (month 6) I have been having to kick myself because I am experincing happiness and drive urges that are making me do things I wasn’t doing before. It’s scary because I know I am gonna do a fuckloads of things I always surpressed… this is the feeling I read about, but it’s taken me this long.. I’ve worked my arse off to feel like this.. and I will work my arse off to keep it.
To me it’s down to ultra dedation to wanting to be and feel amazing. I’m working every single day to feel this way. It’s hard work, but my god it’s worth it.
Don’t hope.. hope is futile.
I have 9 months from now to get myself in shape to take my body and mind to a place I know is going to hurt me and attempt to take me down. It’s that feeling of terror I am taking on. Last week an amazing film maker made a video about WHY running 100 miles is important. It’s a brilliant 30 min film. If I were you I’d watch it.
please email me.. I am slowly going mad because I don’t drink LOL (jokes!) mills@ustwo.com
p.s I was never overweight, weighing in at aroudn 14.5 stones, but in 6 months I have put on quality muscle mass (useful muscle not barry big) and am closing in on my desired weight of 11.5 stones (I broke the 12 stone division last week and I reckon in 3 weeks I can cut more useless fatty)
