Four Ways Assertiveness Will Improve Your Life
And that’s a promise
If you aren’t very assertive, you’ve probably gotten comfortable with one of the other behaviors. You may
- bully (aggressive)
- blame (aggressive)
- whine (passive aggressive)
- withhold affection (passive aggressive)
- sulk (passive aggressive)
- make excuses (manipulative)
- wheedle (manipulative)
- flatter (manipulative)
- charm (manipulative)
- get symptoms (manipulative)
- give in (passive)
or some combination of those. (If you want to know more about these non-assertive types of behavior, read my previous article “Test Your Assertiveness Quotient” on Medium.)
Whatever your system, you developed it for a reason; it made sense for who you were and where you were, and who you were dealing with.
But now you’re starting to wonder if some other system might get you more, and in a better way. Isn’t that why you are reading this article?
Let’s have a look at what assertiveness can do for you.
Assertiveness increases your self-respect
He that respects himself is safe from others. He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Everyone knows that self-respect is fundamental to our human existence. The lack of it, the need of it, the moral demands of it, drive us on or hold us back, shape every aspect of our lives.
But is assertiveness fundamental to self-respect? In the end, yes. Of course there are times when some non-assertive behavior is strategic, it’s okay, it’s good enough. You can live with the outcome.
But then the moment comes (it always does) when you are faced with a choice: be assertive, and pay the price; or don’t be assertive, and hate yourself for it. I’ve heard from so many people about a time when they didn’t say something and they wish they had and it still bothers them years — decades! — later.
- The workman did a bad job and instead of asking him fix it, you paid another workman full price to do it all over again.
- Your boss kept upping the quotas for your sales team, so they had to come in on weekends. You wanted to stand up for them, but you didn’t know how.
- Your boss gave you a lower evaluation than you deserved in order to distribute the department budget more equally. You agreed without discussion, and then spread rumors about his drinking problem.
- Someone cut in front of you in line at the market, and you lost your temper, swore, and left your cart just standing in the checkout line when you stomped out.
I have heard hundreds of these, and you probably have at least one of your own that wakes you up at night sometimes. You joined in picking on someone, or you smiled when someone insulted you, or you let slip a secret about someone you were irritated with, or you used your sick mother as an excuse to get out of something.
These compromises, lies, betrayals, and self-betrayals accumulate like toxins in the body and eat away at your self-respect till you can’t stand to be yourself anymore.
You can’t undo the past, but you can learn from it. Even if you haven’t been assertive enough in your life, you can decide to start now. And watch your self-respect skyrocket!
Assertiveness is essential to leadership
You don’t need business books and articles to tell you this, although they all do (here’s one I found interesting). Just getting into most leadership positions requires some assertiveness: aiming for it, preparing for it, thinking that you are worthy and capable of it, asking for it, and continuing to ask for it even after you get knocked back.
And then when you get that leadership position, you have responsibilities, accountability, obligations, demands. You can’t lead without the trust of your followers. But how can you stand up for them if you can’t even stand up for yourself? How can you respect them, and earn their respect, if you don’t respect yourself? How can you make tough decisions and delegate unpleasant tasks if you can’t stand to be disliked? How can you create change if you fold when you need to stand firm and persist?
As a leader, if you are aggressive or passive-aggressive, you will be hated and sabotaged. If you are passive, you will get run over. If you are manipulative, you will create a culture of intrigue and dishonesty that will ultimately weaken your authority.
It doesn’t matter whom you lead — it could be employees, juniors, a squad, a team, a department, interns, freelancers, students, or your own children. They want you to be assertive, and if you aren’t they will fight you, undermine you, or withdraw from you completely.
Practice for your future success by being assertive now. It’s the best leadership habit you can develop.
A little conflict now avoids more conflict later
I wish I could say that you can be assertive and still avoid conflict. But sometimes conflict is unavoidable. Not as often as we fear, but definitely sometimes. People do not like hearing “no” and they don’t always react the way you wish they would, i.e., reasonably.
Consider this classic assertiveness scenario. Someone asks you for something, and you don’t want to say no. You don’t want the guilt, hurt feelings, criticism, or demands for an explanation. If it’s a bully or a passive-aggressive, you may even fear some sort of punishment or revenge. If it’s a manipulator you know there’s potential for more tactics or even dirty tricks. (I’ve known several people who got into catastrophic, broken-bone type accidents whenever a child or spouse tried to make changes.)
So you say yes, because you think it’s too much trouble to say no. You’ll go out with him once, what can it hurt? Or you make an excuse. You can’t come to work at the weekend because your parents are visiting. Or you just stop answering the phone entirely. And the door.
Only…these people don’t know that you rode over yourself to accommodate them. Or that you lied, or that you’re avoiding them. Let’s face it, if they could take a hint, they wouldn’t be a problem, would they?
So they’re going to keep pushing. They may get increasingly irritated because they sense resistance. That guy you went out with just the once? Well, he had a good time, and he didn’t notice that you didn’t. So now he wants to make another date. Your boss wants to know if you can come in next weekend instead. Now you have to do it all over again. You can’t use the same excuse twice, can you?
Maybe you’ll just move. To another country. And change your name. That could solve a whole bunch of problems.
It’s exhausting, being unassertive.
Imagine how free you would feel, how much energy you would have, if you could just find a way to say no and let everybody be responsible for their own feelings.
Assertiveness saves a lot of time and trouble all around.
Assertiveness helps you grow and learn
Your comfort zone is where you’ve already been, what you’ve already done, who you already know, and what you already have.
That means if you want anything new, it’s automatically outside your comfort zone, even if it would be a fantastic thing, even if your current situation is pretty miserable. So if you decide to be more assertive, you’re going to have some discomfort. Discomfort and growth are exactly equivalent. More of one means more of the other.
When you first learned to ride a bike, you fell off a lot, you skinned your knees and got frustrated and wanted to give up often. And then suddenly you could do it and you were flying, you were part of the gang, your whole world expanded.
Assertiveness is like that. It can hurt at first but then when you get good at it, you forget the pain and start noticing all the new possibilities you couldn’t even see before.
Previous articles on assertiveness:
