Conversation with My Wife (214.1)
Cataloging through the pile
So we’re continuing to shlep through catalogs we get in the mail. Looking for cute stuff, pretty stuff, or stuff that makes us laugh.
Or, occasionally, salivate.
ME: We got two more food catalogs in the mail today. One I’ve never heard of. They’re selling each other their mailing lists again.
DEB: That’s okay, we can— oh MY, that is good looking beef!
Fortunately we’re eating breakfast, so we don’t just hungry-buy stuff. (Anymore.)
DEB: “The adult version of ‘head, shoulders, knees and toes’ is ‘wallet, glasses, keys and phone.’” Got that right!
ME: Waitasec… yep, here’s a version of that on a door mat. To help you remember on your way out. Here we go: “It’s not hoarding if it’s books!” I was trying to explain that to Bebe Nicholson after her nice piece on hiring hoarders.
DEB: You either understand that intuitively, Jackster, or there’s no point in trying to explain. Like this one: “Q: Susan has 7 books. Susan buys 2 more. What does she have now? A: Happiness. Susan has happiness.”
ME: “I will put you in the trunk and help people look for you. DON’T TEST ME!” That would have been a wonderful desk sign for your old job!
DEB: “I may look fine, but deep down I don’t remember ANY of my passwords.” That’s why you put them into that database thingie for me, right?
ME: We ran out of post-it notes. “It’s not a ‘Dad Bod,’ it’s a ‘Father Figure.’” Does that work for uncles, too?
DEB: Sure, honey. “I’m NOT mean; I’m brutally honest. It’s not my fault the truth hurts. Here, have a band-aid.” Another good desk sign…
ME: “It’s cool, I’ve had both my shots.” With little shot glasses.
DEB: Not funny. Around here, too many people would think that qualified. Here’s another door mat: “The Queen is not accepting an audience today.” Because too many Americans wouldn’t understand “Bugger off, mate!”?
ME: This catalog does artisan jewelry and clothing, which is nice, and gives the size of their models and the size of the outfit they’re wearing, which is VERY nice. But. This woman is listed as 5'9", which is taller than I am, but she’s wearing a small top. What?
DEB: I keep telling you clothing sizes for women make no sense, are you starting to believe me? “She believed she could. But her cat was asleep on her lap. So she didn’t.” Also works with puppies and small children.
ME: “Glossary of Engineering Terms: PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE (whack it with your fist); HIGH IMPEDANCE AIR GAP (it’s not plugged in); CYCLE POWER TO THE PANEL (turn it off, then turn it on again); THERMALLY RECONFIGURED (it melted); KINETIC DISASSEMBLY (it blew up)” Those are astonishingly accurate!
DEB: (rolls her eyes) Yes, dear. Okay, “A dog accepts you as the boss; a cat wants to see your résumé.” Fits with the animals I’ve known.
ME: “One day, when my children are all grown, I hope they still come through the front door without knocking. I hope they head to the kitchen for a snack and slump on the sofa to watch TV. I hope they come in and feel the weight of adulthood leave them, for they are home. For my children, my door will forever be open.”
DEB: That could apply to any number of people, just from the ones I see on Facebook. Ann Litts, Karen DeBonis —
ME: YOU, when it comes to our nieces and nephews.
DEB: That’s true. They grow up so fast…
Copyright ©2021 by Jack Herlocker, with a preemptive note of thanks to signals.com for not issuing a takedown notice.
