How Anxiety Saved My Life
And the things you can do before it claims you
It was during the peak of the mid-morning rush. The cafe line was out the door, and the drive-thru line had no end in sight. This was nothing new for me, Starbucks basically trains all baristas to live for these moments.
But this day everything changed.
It was no particular comment or action that set it off, but all of a sudden, I couldn’t breathe. I was in the middle of helping a customer, going a hundred miles a minute as I usually did (basically on autopilot) when I went completely still. My words choked me, and the weight of a dozen eyes sent me cowering in the back room.
My first anxiety attack.
I think about this moment often. The moment that my body finally decided to yank me back into the reality that I was missing my own life. It was an altogether humbling and terrifying experience brought on by anxiety that was years in the making.
After processing what had happened that morning and settling into my breath, I started to reflect on my life. I realized that I had been so afraid of failing in every aspect of my life that I was overcompensating in the areas that were the most demanding.
I needed to slow down.
This was an understatement. As I reflected on the years leading up to this moment, I realized I couldn’t account for the most basic parts of my life. Names of schoolteachers and professors who had significantly impacted my life just dropped out of my head.
Memories with loved ones were sized down to one particular moment or feeling that I could remember about them. Hell, I couldn’t account for whole years of my young adult life.
Even in the present moment, I was looking forward. I was always thinking about what was next and planning my schedule instead of focusing on what was right in front of me. Between a full course load, two jobs, and serious sleep deprivation — I was missing out on my life, and the emotion I was feeling most was anxiety.
All I ever wanted to do was “make it”. That was the mentality going into college, “I am going to make it”. At the time, all that meant was to graduate and find a job that paid well. My biggest fear was failing and the thought of disappointing anyone sent me spiraling. Anxiety attacks became a regular part of my life and the heart stilling ache of anxiety sat with me daily.
Then came the never-ending need to fill the gaping hole in my chest.
It filled my chest and every time I thought it was closing, it burned bigger, deeper.
I was stumbling through my life. Taking on full course loads, working multiple jobs, and living off caffeine with hardly any sleep. Even so, I felt like I needed to excel in all areas of my life. I was doing too much. Eventually, I was just going through the motions and letting the good grades, promotions, and praise serve as reinforcements that I was doing great, even though my anxiety was screaming at me from the cave inside my chest.
It was a lie.
Still, I chased that feeling. Even when it led me down a new career path, degree, any new dream of the moment…
See, I become obsessed with the project I’m working on. I set my mind on doing something and become laser-focused on making it happen. And with my drive and persistence, I usually do. The problem? This becomes a cyclical pattern that’s force feels unstoppable. Always chasing something to fill the hole, feed this idea of success and let anxiety run the show.
At this point in my life, it was an endless cycle. As soon as I accomplished what I thought would make me happy and feel successful, I was left unfulfilled. So, on went the thrill of finding something new and exciting and going for it. This behavior spilled into other areas of my life as well and it went on for years.
That moment changed everything.
In the middle of the rush, a room full of people and noise, I was left completely alone. Drawn inward, forced to focus on the crushing tightens in my chest and the increasingly loud and quick beating in my ears. Unpacking the behaviors and mindset that brought me to this point saved me.
I learned that the part of me that needed to please everyone, and chase success was feeding my anxiety and it was screaming out at me. I was so afraid of failing my family, friends, superiors, etc. that I hadn’t realized I already failed myself.
I failed to take the time for myself to explore what brought me raw and honest joy. I failed to be present and enjoy the life that was passing me by. I failed to indulge in the experiences of being young and failed to invest in the relationships that were important to me.
I was so worried about disappointing the people around me that I ended up disappointing the most important person of all, me. I realized that I never even took the time to consider how I defined success, without the echo of outside opinions. I still wanted to be successful, but on my terms and without chasing things deemed important by others; things that provoked anxiety. I wanted passion and joy, to love every moment of my work and my life. That was my new definition of success. That was the first step in beating my anxiety.
What came next was beautiful.
Reinvention. I reclaimed all the time that I spent chasing the versions of success society fed me and decided I was no longer going to miss out on my own life. This time, I was determined to find myself.
I’ve learned that this process is never-ending. I will continue to find myself as long as I am attentive ad caring toward my mind, body, and soul. I will have the pleasure of finding new things that bring me joy and feed my soul. I welcome these new experiences into my life, knowing that they will bring a new appreciation and perspective to this life. I’ve also learned that I am not alone.
I’ve lived with anxiety for a long time, even before my first attack. Learning to live with anxiety is something that many of us have had to do, but we have the power to silence it and ban it from claiming us.
Three helpful ways to deal with anxiety before it claims you
Take notice of the habits you keep because it’s easy to let anxiety hold you still and make you miss out on your life.
Practice mindfulness in your daily routine.
It’s easy to get caught up in the fast-paced, under feeling, and overreaching societal routine. This is why practicing mindfulness in your daily routine is so important.
You can do this in just a few minutes; when you are feeling overwhelmed, if you need to reset, or if you just want a clear head. Find a quiet space and sit with yourself in silence for a couple of minutes. Take time to notice your breath and what you are feeling. Allow your thoughts to wander by acknowledging the thoughts that pass and letting them go. Appreciate your body and all that it does to keep you going and honor it by taking at least three deep breaths. You can do this as many times as you’d like throughout the day.
If you take time to do this every day, you will notice that you become more present in conversations, in your work, in your relationships, and with yourself. It’s important to allow yourself this headspace so that you can indulge in the memories you are creating today, without worrying about tomorrow.
Make time for yourself.
You need to be at your best to do your best. Try to start your day with intentional time to do one thing that brings you joy. For me, that means taking time in the morning to read or meditate or sometimes sit in silence as I sip my coffee. I like to create space for myself first thing in the morning and right before bed. Figure out a nighttime routine that allows you to decompress. Maybe go for a short walk before turning in for the night, journal, or stretch before getting into bed. Whatever it is that feels like a big hug from yourself so that your cup is full before attending to all the other demands of your day.
Give yourself grace.
Remember that your anxiety is not who you are, it is a feeling. A feeling that can be damn frightening and suffocating, but a feeling nonetheless. And we can control our feelings with practice. Even with mindfulness practices, yoga, self-love, and all the good things that we need and deserve in our lives, anxiety can still find a way through and attack you when we least expect it. That's okay! Give yourself grace by accepting your mistakes, laughing as much as you can, and reminding yourself that it’s okay not to be okay.
We all have bad days, but it’s those days that make the good days worth having. So give yourself a hug and remember that there are new beginnings wherever you allow them; the start of a new year, month, week, day, and even hour. You are in charge of your happiness and you set the rules for how anxiety impacts your life.
These three practices will help you get a hold of your anxiety before it gets you.
Thanks for reading!
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