How to Overcome Your Erectile Dysfunction
The advice that helped me rise above my erection problems to find joy in sex.
I have some bad news and some good news.
The good news is that the title isn’t just clickbait. I have suffered from erectile dysfunction, I managed to overcome it, and I am going to share with you some advice to help you do the same.
The bad news? My entire process spanned four years. Mind you, it didn’t take me that long to get my first erection, but I did need that much time to truly feel comfortable during sex. I can only hope that my advice speeds up this process for you, but I have no magical solutions to offer. I think it is only fair to disclose it — the sooner I burst that bubble, the better.
Now, if you are still with me, let’s get this started.
First, an introduction.
My name is James and I’m a recovering porn addict. I don’t use that term loosely, I don’t think: for over ten years, I binge-watched porn in endless sessions — sometimes as long as twelve hours — that took a toll on my physical and mental health.
I had my first sexual experience at the age of twenty-three, and that’s when my story with erectile dysfunction began. In the two years that followed, I led a relatively active dating life as a single guy, but failed to have penetrative sex even once.
It wasn’t until I met my current partner that I started to make progress. Penetration came after just a few days. Consistent erections, a few months later. And by the end of our second year together, sex finally became a fully enjoyable experience.
Today, I can proudly say that my sex life has never been better.
That is my story in a nutshell. You might or might not relate to it, but I hope that, regardless, you’ll find in my advice the help that you need.
My first piece of advice, if you really want to overcome your erection problems, is that you keep trying.
I know it sounds like a no-brainer, but hear me out on this one.
The first time I experienced erectile dysfunction was on the day I was supposed to lose my virginity (you can imagine the disappointment). And even though time would show that there were plenty of other factors behind my erection problems, looking back I’m convinced that really only one of them played a role that day: performance anxiety.
When you are a virgin, sex seems like such a huge ordeal, and it’s no surprise that many of us buckle under the pressure and struggle to perform in our first few attempts. The good thing about performance anxiety though is that it tends to get better. Accumulating experiences — even shitty ones — calms the anxiety because it helps you grow familiar with sex.
All you have to do is give it a try. And then another one. And another one.
Perseverance needs to be encouraged, given how difficult it actually is. Once failed attempts begin to pile up, it’s common to develop bad associations that turn sex into something you would rather avoid. I’ve been there. I’ve had dates canceled and I’ve stopped calling hookup buddies just to save myself from the possibility of another disaster. And yet it’s important to resist this instinct and expose yourself to failure.
Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t take a mental break from it all when you feel like you really need it, but understand that, while you are doing this, things won’t just magically get better. Ultimately only practice makes perfect, so suck it up and get back on the field!
To be completely honest, I’m convinced that this first step will already be enough for most of you readers — that is, if your only goal is to have working erections. Otherwise, there are a few other things that you can try to step up your game. Stay with me.
My second piece of advice is that you quit porn.
There are plenty of other reasons why you should stop watching porn, but if you are having problems getting or keeping erections during sex, all while being able to stay rock hard without trouble in front of a screen, well then that’s as clear a sign as you will get that you need to quit.
I personally started watching porn at the age of thirteen, and I didn’t sleep with a woman for the first time until I was twenty-three. That’s ten years during which my sex life consisted solely of jerking off to an infinite array of videos behind a computer screen. Let me tell you, that kind of shit leaves a mark.
Porn teaches you a great deal of terrible lessons. To begin with, it trains your body to get off exclusively to the very specific grip of your hand. But it also accustoms your mind to an extreme variety and immediacy the likes of which you are never going to find in real life. The whole experience is rigid and detached, in contrast to the intimacy and physicality of an actual sexual encounter.
Coming from this, getting used to sex can prove to be quite an endeavor. Quitting porn won’t solve it instantly, but it’s a decision that will only help you with that process. And if you have, like me, years of history with porn addiction, addressing that will likely be a necessary requirement for you to even have a chance at overcoming your erection problems.
So all of this just goes to say: quit porn. Find out what you are using it to cope with, identify your triggers, learn from your relapses. Then quit it in your head as well. Fantasizing about porn is a habit that’s keeping you from being present and enjoying sex as much as the actual act of watching it.
Embark on that journey, and you’ll find that leaving porn behind brings enormous benefits that go far beyond just your erections.
My next recommendation is to be intentional.
Putting yourself out there and staying away from porn will lay some pretty neat foundations, but it’s what you build on top of them that makes the difference.
A year into my relationship, I found myself at a point where I could finally perform alright in bed, but sex continued to feel mostly like a chore. I realized how I was still hanging on to many of the negative associations I had developed through my years struggling with erectile dysfunction: the pressure to get it on, the stress to keep it up, the fear of losing it. I had worked very hard to be able to have sex, but I wasn’t enjoying it yet — more work needed to be done.
My girlfriend and I decided then to take a break from sex and come back to it with a renewed mindset. We agreed that I would be the one to always take the initiative. We made a habit of taking our time, only moving forward when we both felt comfortable. And I put some extra effort into staying present in every single sexual encounter we had. Little by little, thanks to all that work, new and positive experiences began to form new and positive associations, and sex gradually turned into a more enjoyable experience.
The lesson here is to get involved in your process. Think about what’s working for you and what’s not. Keep learning. Stay in touch with your emotions and delve deep into your issues. Figure out what you need to do to solve them, then get down to it — whether it’s on your own or, even better, with the help of a partner or a therapist.
Work, and work intentionally.
Anything in life worth having is worth working for, and believe me, you’ll find very few things that are worth it more than this.
My last piece of advice is to be patient.
I warned you in the beginning: unless you are willing to depend on blue pills, there is no magical solution to your erection problems. It’ll likely be a process, and you need to be ready for it.
Part of that is learning to actually enjoy this process. Celebrate the small victories. Appreciate the things that you can already do. A soft penis with a partner can be way more fun than a hard one all by yourself. There are plenty of ways to enjoy sex that do not require penetration — make the most of them while your erections come back.
I might not be a wise old man sharing this with you on my deathbed, but read it as if I were. I will always regret how little I enjoyed my sexual experiences back then. I was up in my head so much that I don’t even remember most of it — and I bet I didn’t make it very memorable for my partners either. Try not to repeat the same mistake. I know it can be very difficult but, if you can pull it off, you’ll see how having a more relaxed and positive attitude will not only teach you to enjoy the process — it will very much advance it.
From there, things will only get better. It might all work out quickly, if you are lucky, or it might take a while, if you have a long and complicated history with sex like mine. Either way, be patient. Do not despair, and trust the process.
Overcoming your erectile dysfunction might feel like a battle, but it’s not a losing one. Someday your victory flag will rise, high and proud.
What’s in your math folder?
Are you struggling with erectile dysfunction?
It is fairly common for people suffering from porn addiction to experience erection problems at some point in their lives — an issue that usually comes on top of an addict’s already dysfunctional relationship with sex.
Overcoming your erectile dysfunction can be a long process, but all the work that you put into it is well worth it. Follow this advice and don’t give up — one day success will come and you’ll be able to enjoy sex in all its glory.
Share your insights in the comments below, on social media, or in your favorite porn addiction community, and if you know others that are struggling with porn, help them by sharing a link to this story.
Let’s start a conversation!
Hi, this is James! Thank you for reading!
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