There are lots of ways of looking at friction in relationships, and I’ve written about many of these (e.g, What I’ve Learned I). To me, everything ultimately comes down to emotion. However, one of the first big splits one can make conceptually is value differences and emotional cycles. This is not a 100% sharp distinction for several reasons. For one thing — as I’ll explain — values are underpinned by emotions. Partners also often overlay value conflicts with emotional cycles. But here I’m going to tackle conflicts that are primarily about values. I’ll also give you some tools to help streamline some of those interactions.
(For reference on what I’m calling an emotional cycle see What I’ve Learned II, and Ecosystem. These are very brief treatments, as cycles are complex, but should give you a taste.)
Value differences are most easily seen in such things as disputes in how something should be done or differences in aesthetic taste.
Couples come in with these fights all the time: how to parent, how to load the dishwasher (one of my favorites!), how tidy the household should be, how important food is, how to deal with money, what music is good. People are often drawn to each other for similar values (one of the key…
