It’s Never Too Late to Start Living
[Author’s note: This post is a chapter of my forthcoming book
RESET: Building Purpose in the Age of Digital Distraction]
Chapter Sixteen: Evolve
When does the process end?
“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.”
Charles Darwin, British Scientist and Philosopher
I always thought I was smart. Or, more specifically, I thought I was quick. I could think and talk on my feet. Unfortunately I also had a big mouth, which can be an explosive combination, especially for a cocky teenager.
Without getting into the details, I was kicked out — excuse me, asked to leave — my first high school about ⅔ of the way through my sophomore year. Not for bad stuff, mind you. The same behavior didn’t cause any of my teachers to bat an eye at my next school, a much larger public campus.
Starting over was too much for me socially and academically. I didn’t see a need for school. There was nothing there for me. I could not accept the structure around me: the grading; the attendance; the homework. I rejected it all.
At that point I gave up on any image of myself as a good student. I let that part of my identity drift away until I forgot that I had ever been someone who cared about school. My GPA quickly fell from 3.2 to 1.8. My grades scraped across the bottom 5th percentile of my class for the rest of high school.
Things were bad. My school didn’t give me a high school diploma at the graduation ceremony. Instead I got an empty sleeve with a note reminding me that I still had a few credits left to earn before I could graduate. Apparently there is a limit to the number of classes you can flunk. That sad day was in June of 2000, the culminating black mark of a sad, tarnished educational record.
Despite this miserable performance, I ended up getting my high school diploma and enlisting in the Marine Corps. My military entrance exam scores were high enough to justify a spot in boot camp once I was able to prepare myself physically.
Accepting Structure
Somehow I went from completely resisting structure to throwing myself into one of the most structured environments ever built. This was my first clumsy attempt at resetting. I took responsibility for myself to lose enough weight to get into the Marines. And by doing so, I also learned to appreciate the value of structure in channeling my behavior.
But why did I get started? What was that first mission that drew me toward the Corps? Honestly, my decision probably had something to do with those amazing recruiting commercials with the guy pulling a sword out of the stone, fighting a lava monster, and somehow — defying all logic — winning the battle. Seriously.
Fast forward four years and I’m getting ready to leave the Marines. I’m 22 years old, a non-commissioned officer with responsibility for almost a dozen Marines, two early promotions, and lots of back-slaps on my way out the door. I was also completely terrified about heading back to school. All I could think about was my first experience as a student. I seriously considered staying in the military even though I knew it wasn’t what I wanted to for a career.
The first campus visit was hardly encouraging. At Cal Poly San Luis Obispo the admissions folks told me there was no way I could get in. I’m sure there is a rule against laughing at prospective students. That’s probably what allowed me to save face as I packed up my transcript and dashed out the door.
Remember what we learned in Chapter 5? Don’t expect things to be easy as you get started in a new environment.
Community college was the only option for me. I had to trade a structured environment — the Marine Corps — for a less structured one — community college. The rules, norms, and expectations were looser. Now I had some room to adapt the environment to pursue my goals.
Adapting Structure
I enrolled in two classes, one for remedial math and the other for introduction to English. I worked harder on those classes than any in my life, trying to make up for the awful performance during my final two years in high school. I wrote and rewrote essays, double- and triple-checked mathematical problem sets.
I threw myself back into school using the same mindset and behavior from the military. Over time I modified the behavior that was either helping or hindering my progress.
The disciplined work paid off. A 4.0 GPA at community college and good test scores allowed me to transfer into Stanford and — after that dropping out briefly for the deployment to Afghanistan that we discussed in Chapter 7 — finished my degree.
I was a changed man. A key piece of my identity was back in place. I felt like I could stand toe to toe with my peers who came from elite preparatory schools.
Widening Your Circle
My sense of self-worth had changed during this process. Adapting from the military to academia was difficult. I lacked confidence because I had no adult experiences that clearly demonstrated my competence. I still saw myself as an imposter. I had to feel differently, not just understand at an intellectual level that adaptation was possible.
Once I took this responsibility seriously, it was only a matter of time before I was able to adapt to community college, and eventually even to Stanford. I learned that I could grow wherever I was planted. Each time I was shoved into the deep end of the pool, I became a little more confident I could swim. And eventually I just started jumping in without anyone pushing me.
Isaac Asimov, the famous science fiction author, wrote over 400 books. His breadth of expertise was as awe-inspiring as his productivity. Asimov wrote books on topics ranging from biochemistry to history to human biology. How? He kept evolving. “Each time I wrote a book on some subject outside my immediate field,” he recalled in an interview, “it gave me courage and incentive to do another one that was perhaps even farther outside the narrow range of my training.”
I know many people with stories like this. Starting from an unremarkable position, men and women from diverse backgrounds and nationalities have experienced a radical shift in their sense of personal responsibility that led to a profound transformation.
That doesn’t mean they had an easy path to success. All of us will experience failure many times along the way. But eventually — painfully — we can learn how to direct our own evolution, not just respond to our immediate environment.
Inheriting Purpose
I struggled immediately after school. Fresh off my success at Stanford, I didn’t think my work life would be that tough. I was 29 years old and working for a startup.
I had traded the structure of school for an early-stage company, but failed to notice a more subtle shift that was also taking place. My purpose was now tied to the company, not my interests or values. I did not realize at it first, but my missions each day were externally sourced. They felt . . . imposed on me. Fake somehow.
Of course I kept on going at work, powered by my daily launch and a structure that let me preserve momentum each day. But my heart wasn’t in it.
I learned that purpose cannot be found in the outside world. It necessarily resides inside us, but we don’t inherit it. It’s not an eye color, or money from a rich uncle. Purpose is constructed every day.
It would be some time before I learned this lesson. I think my decision to outsource purpose was actually a throwback from my time in the Marines. Back then I could expect the organization to provide me with a compelling mission every day. But that didn’t work out with the startup. I was left feeling like a hollow shell after just a few months.
It wasn’t long after my 30th birthday that I had had enough. The company was on its last legs. We weren’t even being paid anymore! Then a good friend of mine approached me with the thinnest shred of an offer: would I consider working for him as he started a small company?
Creating Purpose
I took stock of where I was. It was about six months after graduating college a few months before my 30th birthday. I couldn’t sustain a serious relationship. I turned down a great job opportunity to work at a startup, which then went bankrupt. I was forced to move into my brother’s apartment because I didn’t have a place to live.
In other words, things weren’t great.
I did have one saving grace. I knew I could adapt to almost any situation if given a chance. I had enough confidence to assess the situation and not despair. And this new opportunity from my friend was appealing. It was not only about adapting my environment, but creating purpose in my work with others. So I decided to go for it and joined the business (of one other person) now known as BMNT.
The intervening years have been remarkable. We are a growing group of people who are similarly obsessed with accomplishing our mission. The rate of learning at a purpose-driven company like BMNT is incredible. We are always taking on more than we should with minimal resources, and still managing to over-deliver.
I continue to make mistakes, to learn, and to grow. A lot of my work is now focused on assembling the world’s most talented engineers and technologies to tackle some of the toughest problems facing our soldiers on the battlefield. We call the effort Hacking For Defense, or H4D for short.
A big part of my job is constructing the mission and structure that supports these unique teams of people. In other words, I am constantly pushing people to RESET without them even knowing it.
With H4D I see how people and problems mix together to address a compelling mission for a short period of time, sometimes only for a few weeks. I see how that purpose infects a team, inspiring them to push themselves harder and faster than they ever imagined. I see how much progress they can make by taking action early and often to get feedback on their ideas. And I see how their daily work can be fulfilling, whether they are in an office or out on the front lines.
Back To Basics
It’s easy to get overwhelmed when you think about RESETTING. Don’t fall into the traps of trying to be perfect. Apply what you’ve learned however it makes sense to you. Focus on your strengths. Use the family and friends for support. Sort out a good morning routine. Build a supportive environment. Start small and build momentum. Find something to celebrate.
Once we know we can succeed, we can look beyond the here and now. The experience of RESETTING will quickly build your confidence. It’s not enough to think you can do it. You must know you can. And this knowledge can only come from experience. Confidence is the scar tissue of a great RESET.
Eventually you will start building a completely unique environment, a daily structure tailored to you that you consciously shape as time goes on.
That is the ultimate goal: take on the digital world each day and win. To find purpose in your daily life despite the distractions. Your mindset and habits can start changing today, although it won’t be easy. The journey will challenge you in almost every way, but you will be better off for it. You can overcome any obstacles between you and your goals.
You are already on the path.
What to remember about “Evolve”
- We start by accepting structure, then we start adapting it
- We start by inheriting purpose, then we start creating it
- With the confidence of a successful RESET, we can tackle any challenge
- The digital world is full of possibilities waiting for us to pursue them
Actions that require under 30 minutes
- Review all the emails you have sent to yourself: My Legacy, My Support, My Launch, My Environment, and My Success. Do you see alignment among the various responses? What’s missing? What is the first goal? What is the first step that you will take toward that first goal?
- Write yourself an email with the subject “My Future” that describes a 24-hour period five years from now. Be specific. Talk about where you live, the time when you wake up, how you feel, the work you do, and the people around you. Imagine your future self is writing a letter back in time, trying to explain why you need to RESET.
