4 Cognitive Distortions to Be Aware of as New Parents
Reflecting on our thought processes helps us improve how we respond to our children.
As new parents, we often find ourselves short on time and energy.
Our cognitive resources become limited and it is natural for us to take shortcuts in thinking. However, sometimes these shortcuts take the form of cognitive distortions.
Cognitive distortions are automatic habits of thinking that tend to have a negative bias and may have been learned from our own childhood experiences. Though understandable, these modes of thinking can be hurtful to both our own and our children’s emotional well-being.
As parents, we want to take responsibility in reflecting on our thought processes and model healthy ways of being for our children.
These are some mental shortcuts to be wary of:
- Personalization is the idea that we are responsible for things actually beyond our control.
During my infant’s first year of life, I found myself tracking her developmental milestones and then questioning myself whenever she had not reached a milestone by the “ideal” age. The truth is, biology probably played a bigger role in how quickly she learned to walk or eat solid foods as opposed to how much I tried to make her “practice”. There is also a very wide range of what is considered to be normal development.
I tell myself that my child’s achievement does not equal my achievement. Perhaps I have a role to play, but her achievement, and her mistake, is not my achievement or failure. This perspective nudges me to give my toddler the space to develop her own identity. - Mind reading occurs when we interpret the actions of another.
When I was first faced with frequent crying from my firstborn, the thought that she was angry with me because I did something wrong did cross my mind. This could have led to going down the unhelpful rabbit hole of self-criticism. However, in reality, babies cry. That is what babies do.
Adjusting my expectations of what constitutes typical infant behavior helped me maintain some objective calm while I figured out how to address material reasons for her frequent crying (e.g. gas, hunger, dirty diaper). - Magnification or catastrophic thinking refers to the overestimation of the significance of an event.
I sometimes lose my patience and snap at my toddler when it feels like she’s taking “forever” to put on her shoes. Magnification may cause me to feel extreme guilt because maybe my momentarily raised voice has traumatized her. However, what typically actually happens is, she eventually does get her shoes on and is happy within 5 minutes when we get to the playground. And later within the same day, I apologize for having raised my voice while also explaining that punctuality is important.
One slip-up or even several honest mistakes on my part does not necessarily mean my child is ruined forever. I hope taking responsibility for and then moving on from my own mistakes sets a healthy example of how my daughter can address her own mistakes. - Emotional reasoning is the tendency to interpret feelings as a true reflection of the situation.
In the early years of parenthood, there are days when I do feel discouraged. In these states of mind, I find it easy to focus on all the things that are “not going right”, such as feeling annoyed with my messy home, or guilt about my family not eating “healthy meals”. However, feelings are not facts. My home may look messy, but there are valid reasons for some things being left out on the floor or table. I do try to stock my kitchen with healthy options, and occasional quick meals will not hurt. Perhaps things are “not going completely right”, but they are still on track for a young family figuring things out.
I believe every emotion serves a purpose. It is alright to feel sad, frustrated, annoyed, angry and even bored sometimes. But not every level of emotion is helpful or justified by reality. There can be a balance between validating emotions as well as keeping them in check.
Awareness and acknowledgment are the beginning of change. If you’re based in California, I’d love to walk with you in your journey to becoming a parent.
I also describe more examples of cognitive distortions here.
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For more information on addressing cognitive distortions, these websites may be helpful:
Constructive feedback is welcome, please comment to let me know what you think!
I also encourage anyone struggling with the trials, triumphs, and changes that emerge with early parenthood to seek consultation with a professional.
Resources for perinatal and postpartum depression:
Paternal depression and anxiety are real too. Resources for fathers:
This essay is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment specific to you. Seek the advice of your mental health professional or other qualified health provider with questions regarding your own condition. Do not disregard professional advice or delay seeking it because of something you have read here.
