8 Signs You Might Be a People-Pleaser
You can tell by looking at your choices.
Do you often wonder what happened to your day… or your week? Do you look back and realize you spent most of it doing things that matter to someone else?
Every day we make choices — choices that determine everything from how we spend our time to how we feel about ourselves.
If those choices aren’t working for you, it’s time for some soul-searching.
To help kickstart that process, I’ve made a list of eight red flags. Relating to one of them doesn’t make you a people-pleaser. But if you can say “yes” or “Hell, yes!” to a few, you might have a problem.
So here are those warning signs in no particular order:
1. You’re always “fine”, even when you’re not.
When someone asks me how I’m doing, “Fine, thanks — and you?” is my standard reply. But when a friend asks, I assume she really wants to know. And the standard reply goes out the window.
If you stick with “Fine!” — even with your friends — you might want to ask yourself why.
2. Your social calendar is full, mostly because you can’t refuse an invitation.
If you like going out, that’s great. But if you’d rather spend Friday night vegging in front of the TV, don’t let your friends talk you into dancing the night away or being their designated driver.
You don’t have to like what everyone else likes. And you don’t have to give up your chill-time to keep them company. People who care about you understand that.
3. You’d rather say “No problem!” than “No way!”.
Good people do things for others, even when they don’t enjoy them. But if that’s the story of your life, it might be time for a rewrite.
Would you rather lend people money than say “no”, even when you don’t feel good about it? If you’re the one who puts money aside for a rainy day, less responsible folks may look to you when they’ve run out of credit and can’t afford that iPhone 10. But someone who doesn’t have the self-control to stick to a budget won’t be paying you back any time soon.
If you lend them money anyway, ask yourself why. And keep asking until the answer is at least a little uncomfortable.
Are you the go-to friend, the one who’s always doing little favors for everyone? That can be a good thing; if you have plenty of time on your hands, doing things for others can be a great way to keep busy. But if you’ve only got 20 minutes to relax and you’re giving it up to make someone else happy — again — there’s a problem.
Are you looking for approval? Afraid of rejection? Or have you somehow come to believe that their needs are more important than yours?
Whatever the reason, you’ve got some healing to do. In the meantime, you might want to start looking for some easy ways to set boundaries. If you wish you could set those boundaries without saying that awful two-letter word, check out this article: 3 Easy Ways to Set a Boundary Without Learning to Say No.
4. You apologize when you’ve done nothing wrong.
It’s OK to say “I’m sorry” when you don’t really mean it. “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you with that,” can be a great way to say “no” — even if you’re not sorry at all. It’s a whole lot better than justifying yourself to someone who’s trying to take advantage of you.
But some people apologize just because others don’t like their decisions. Others say they’re sorry to avoid conflict with bullies. If someone treats you badly, think twice before apologizing to them. Making a habit of it can damage your self-esteem. And when you don’t hold people accountable for their disrespect, you can expect more of the same.
5. Making other people happy is your first priority. You wouldn’t feel right putting yourself first.
Some of us, especially women, were taught that good people (or at least good girls!) put others first. All the time.
Some of us learned that by watching Mom exhaust herself making everyone else happy. Others only got approval and praise when they sacrificed for others. And others don’t believe their needs matter.
Whatever the reason, prioritizing everyone but yourself is a path to misery. As time goes on, you’ll resent the people in your life for taking advantage of your kindness. You may even resent them for being willing to put themselves first when they feel it’s important. Your relationships will suffer, and so will you.
6. You spend hours listening to people’s problems, giving them advice they never follow.
Some people love to complain; it gets them the attention they crave. It’s easy to get sucked into their dramas, especially if you like to help people.
Listening and giving advice can make you feel useful and appreciated — until you’ve heard a million reasons why your perfectly good ideas just won’t work.
That’s because chronic complainers want attention, not solutions.
If you realize your advice isn’t helping but you’re still giving it, it’s time to ask yourself a simple question: “What am I getting out of this?” Are you trying to rescue someone? Do you need to feel needed? Do you think this is the price of friendship?
7. You hate to rock the boat, and you head for the hills at the first sign of confrontation.
If this is you, you’re not alone. You may have grown up in a dysfunctional family, where confrontation was dangerous (emotionally if not physically). Or you may have experienced a trauma that made you fearful. Confrontation can be scary, especially if you’re worried about rejection or aggression.
Here’s the thing about conflict: It’s a normal part of any relationship, even healthy ones. Especially the healthy ones.
The people who care about you should be OK with some disagreement. If you tell them you’re too busy to do something for them, they should understand. If you don’t share all of their opinions, that should be OK. If you feel they’re pushing you too hard, let them know you’re uncomfortable. Someone who cares will want to understand where you’re at and how to communicate with you in a way that respects your feelings.
Of course, there are plenty of people in the world who don’t care and are quite happy to take advantage of you. If you’re finding it hard to deal with them, you might want to read some practical books or see a professional to get some help. Because once they realize you’re afraid of confrontation, they have power over you.
8. You feel exhausted.
If you don’t have the energy to get through the day, something’s wrong. Of course, you could be physically ill. But it might be a case of emotional exhaustion.
People-pleasing is hard work; it can really sap your energy. You start feeling angry and resentful when the people in your life seem happy to take more than they give. Those unresolved emotions can literally exhaust you.
So if you’re crazy tired and the doc can’t find anything wrong, take a good look at your life. It could be time to start putting yourself first.
When will your life be your own?
If you agreed with more than a few of these points, I think it’s safe to say your life is not your own.
You can’t afford to go on like this forever. The anger and resentment, the exhaustion, the low self-esteem… it catches up with you. Before you know it, life feels like one big burden.
So take a good look at the choices you’re making. You deserve to live a fulfilling life — and that means being able to put yourself first sometimes.
And if you think you might be ready to dip your toe into saying “no”, I hope you’ll check out the first book I ever wrote, How to Say NO to Almost Anyone. I think I created it as much for myself as for anyone else!
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