Diplopia Effect in Marriage
What can we learn to guarantee marital happiness?
The last 20 years of my parent's marriage was unstable before they finally caved into a state of unhappiness. The tonic of the yesteryears had depleted. Yet, they condoned each other and tolerated friendship and mutual sexual obligation through the widening cracks. Divorce was imminent, but they held back to protect us. The children were the only reason left for their cohabitation.
However, they never hesitated to voice their displeasure on issues and blamed each other in the children's hearing. We soaked it up. Unknowingly, they fed us with the tension and hate generated between them.
But it hadn't always been that way. My mother enamoured my father in the heydays, presenting him as the perfect husband and ideal dad. Why not? At the prime of his career, he was a dashing, intelligent, charismatic individual and privileged to pursue a postgraduate in Dentistry at the Royal College of Medicine, London.
Moreover, the Nigerian Army sponsored him as a sure marshal to return home equipped to improve the standards: A rebranding of a military that had lost popularity after several coup-de-tats and harsh criticism for a bloody civil war that had just ended.
Our Manna Ran Out
At the early part of our lives, my three siblings and I never knew we were among a privileged cadre of children until we returned to Nigeria. Then, we were just regular black kids in a predominantly white neighbourhood in England, discriminated against as brown folk. Especially at school and tormented by racial chants.
But, back at home in Nigeria, revered by our schoolmates. They'd flock around our car when the school closed, a Volvo 244 GL 1981 Edition to admire. In gleaming sunshine, they ran their fingers over the silver metallic coat and black opaque hood and knelt to the spokes of the reflective sunburst wheels. They were intrigued, too, by the black bodyliners that beautified the chassis. It was strange but amusing, so we wanted more.
Aniekan turned on the stereo, and we watched their fascination. They danced around in disbelief and amazement whenever the automatic aerial ascended or descended—begging again for another watch, like a gratified audience at an opera soliciting an encore. We'd become the sensation of the school. 'Oyibo' kids from the White Man's land.
My parents enjoyed equal attention, rated and valued in society. My mother was a monumental figure in the WCA (Woman Christian Association) and voted 'Best Teacher' in Kaduna State for three years consecutively — an influential voice within the female local and expatriate community. Her husband, a Major in the reputed Nigerian Army, was decked in nobility and societal admiration. Their love was solid and immaculate at the time.
A few years later, things began worsening. Although I can't place my finger on what went wrong, something did, and the fights started. Finally, an identity crisis arose due to lack, and they could not sustain their societal rankings and preserve their public image.
At the outset, the home was severely affected. Instead of the usual Elizabethian table setting, we resorted to lining up for mealtime. Rationing began, and second helpings erased from the menu. In due course, the glamour and sparkle in society my parents associated with waned, and their relationship happened likewise.
It was a knockout punch; they couldn't beat the count. As a result, they lost the battle to poverty, and their marriage disintegrated into an abysmal ash-heap of regrets.
I've learned that just because a marriage starts well doesn't mean it will end well. Therefore, I admonish married couples to protect their marriages to the finish.
These are a few safety tips.
Disregard Misconceptions
Who says you have to be married to find true happiness? If that's your gumption, you're in for a difficult time. A joyous wedding day is sweet to savour. But, unfortunately, marriage doesn't guarantee long-lasting happiness.
You don't need a partner to complement you to be satisfied. Happiness is an intrinsic factor, a state of the mind and heart, borne solely out of individualism and perspective. You are happy because you choose regardless of external influences.
Knowing this, don't try to change your partner to suit your mould. Instead, respect individuality; after all, that's what makes for uniqueness — iron out issues that contravene happiness. Learn to listen to each other and sway to the superior argument. If you disagree, communicate differences without incivility when the tension is mild.
Spouses must value communication. Marriage won't serve friendship on a platter but spending time together will. Engage the mood. Deliberately snug into a romantic soap with your hot chocolate and tender arm around her shoulders. There's no telling what will happen next.
If You Had Sex Last Night, Smile
An unwise spouse creates hell in the home by using sex as payback. Never use sex as a negotiating implement. If you feel hurt by your spouse, don't deny sex, but talk things over in a warm ambience.
Seize the right moment to strike home your point. Freshen up with a warm shower and Eau de toilette. Please take advantage of your negligee and hear his thumping heartbeat cuddled under the sheet. Don't say goodnight without being injected and filled with the hormone testosterone. Sex heals and doesn't allow unforgiveness to fester. Value the sexual experiences and make intimacy a sacred routine.
Money Brings Honey
The best way to handle a neurotic wife is to get her on an all-expensed paid trip to the sun-kissed beaches of the Bahamas. She is robed for moonlit dining on her favourite cuisine specials with tequila and cocktail delight.
When last did you take your spouse on vacation? Get wild in romantic adventure. A planned vacation is what both of you need to alleviate tension and reposition yourselves for a strategic upliftment.
But it's one thing to plan, and another to execute. Having the funds to prosecute scheduled vacations will bring a fresh boost of positive energy to the home. Your spouse will feel secure and stay confident. Whatever it takes to actualize a break, do it. It's going to be worth your while, saving you the headaches of pent up accumulated stress. So plan, save, and execute.
The Two Shall Become One
Your spouse must be rated top of your charts on the leaderboard day-in-day-out. Honour your spouse ahead of your extended family, bosom or childhood friends, and any Homosapien or extraterrestrial.
Many homes have crumbled because they entertained external influences and a bias. No matter how pragmatic, the natural tendency is for kindred to align with their bloodline and share sentiments — compromising truth, honesty and integrity. Marriage relationships that condone third party encumbrances will invite chaos associated with partiality.
An Abusive Marriage Destroys
If you find yourself in a physically abusive marriage, get out immediately! A brush with a violent spouse could leave you badly hurt, with a broken bone, deformed, or even cost you life.
Love is not enough incentive to endure battering in marriage. It's bad enough to condone verbal assault, but nobody should allow a spouse to engage in physical violation of any sort. If it happens, it's time to call it quits.
Marriage is a life-long learning process. If you play according to the rules, it is guaranteed to bring happiness.
