I Have a Habit of Losing Friends
My best friend stopped talking to me.
How do relationships die?
It is easy enough. You miss a lunch date one day. One unanswered reply becomes ten. Work keeps you busy, so you can't make it home for dinner. You just want to watch T.V.
We fight and drift away from people we care about, wondering where things went wrong. The answer is simple. Someone stopped participating in the relationship.
Sometimes life gets in the way of our relationships. Those relationships become less meaningful. Our interest lies elsewhere.
We do not realize that we are committing an act of betrayal, and it isn't lying or cheating. It's abandonment.
My Bestfriend
I haven't talked to my best friend in over a year.
When we started working together, we immediately became best friends. We went rock climbing together several times a week. I was friends with his wife. He introduced me to sushi. We all sang karaoke in the car. It was awesome.
We went from talking every day to never again.
I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong. Sure, we hadn't talked for a couple of weeks, but that wasn't my fault. I was busy.
I did miss his birthday, but I would see him that weekend. Those few days turned into a couple of weeks. Then a month. Then six months.
Now he lives in a different state.
I didn't realize until it was too late. I had done the damage, and I hurt my friend with nothing more than absence. I betrayed him.
The Slow Burn
Disconnecting with someone is rarely intentional or sudden.
I didn't intend to stop talking to my best friend. I got into a new relationship, and it was going well.
We switched shifts at work, and we started working in different departments. It made socializing at work complicated.
He wanted to rock climb several times a week, and I couldn't do it. They started going without me.
I should also mention that he is very needy. He is loyal and intensely territorial. I was his second in command outside of his wife, and I was missing in action.
I was working on my life and working my way out of his.
The End
How do you go from seeing someone five times a week to never again?
I have lost contact with friends before, and I never lost much sleep over it. I mean, communication is a two-way street, and I am only one slice of the sandwich.
I assumed it was a mutual ending. We both stopped caring, and kind of let things go. I never looked critically until the person I thought would be the best man at my wedding decided never to talk to me again.
I realized I had never paid much attention to the time before we stopped talking. There was so much effort on my former friend's part that I missed. What seemed like minor instances were clear signs that something was wrong.
We hugged once, which I thought was weird because I am not much of a hugger. That was the last time I saw him.
The Lesson
It took a lot of soul searching to get over the hurt and the anger.
It was effortless to blame the destruction of our friendship on my former friend. He was always a bit irrational.
I started digging into self-help and motivational books when I discovered a concept called the betrayal of disengagement.
The word betrayal evokes experiences of cheating, lying, breaking a confidence, failing to defend us to someone else who’s gossiping about us, and not choosing us over other people. These behaviors are certainly betrayals, but they’re not the only form of betrayal. If I had to choose the form of betrayal that emerged most frequently from my research and that was the most dangerous in terms of corroding the trust connection, I would would say disengagement. — Brené Brown, Daring Greatly
This passage hit me like a truck because I finally realized the mistakes I had been making. I betray people by disengaging with them.
I don't always have my priorities in order, and I don't realize that I have moved things to the back burner. I like to think that I make time for people, but that obviously isn't the case.
It's so easy for me to lose sight of what's essential.
I've realized that some things deserve more attention. My new relationship is now just a relationship and is going great.
I try to stay actively engaged and present in my partner's life. I force myself to sideline things to focus on my relationships.
I also look for clues. I look for signs that I am disengaging from those I care about most.
I abandoned my friend, and in turn, he abandoned me. I will not let that happen again.
Takeaway
In a perfect world, people would understand when we are distracted. They would understand long days and the need to relax. They would realize that life just gets in the way sometimes.
Unfortunately, the world is far from perfect. In a world of social media, long workdays, and a million different distractions. It is more important than ever to stay engaged.
When we start prioritizing things that don't matter over people who do, we commit an act of betrayal. This betrayal is dangerous and threatens to destroy the connections with the people we love.
It's easy to play on your phone. It's easy to watch television. It's also easy to take a few minutes a day to check in with someone and ask them about their day. To make them feel loved.
Don't disengage. Be an active participant. In the end, it could make all the difference.
