I’m In A Healthy Relationship — Here’s How I Know
3 signs of an emotionally mature partnership
They say the first year of marriage is the hardest. I don’t think they accounted for six months of long-distance thrown in.
After getting laid off during the height of COVID, my husband Davis joined the Army. Naturally, I scoured the internet for advice on adapting to our new lifestyle. But the more I poked around, the more I realized that I was already winning in my marriage.
Here are three things that kept my relationship strong, connected, and secure over the distance and back again.
We Have Room to Grow as Individuals
When Davis left for boot camp, I had two options.
I could follow the advice of military wives on Facebook— stay busy and distracted until it was over.
Or I could process my painful feelings and work on myself.
In the past, I’d spent so much time waiting for my partners to take the next step. I tethered myself to the progress of others. It put so much undue pressure on my relationships.
So I devoted the following six months to deep inner work.
It was painful but necessary. And now my marriage is stronger than ever.
I realized that I was trapped by codependency. My identity was so wrapped up in my relationships with others that insecurity consumed me. I’d confused selflessness with people-pleasing.
With individuality comes confidence, security, communication — all the ingredients for a healthy relationship.
Now that we’re living together again, we maintain the balance between personal growth and compromise.
So far, everything is unexpectedly natural. We’ve built an unspeakable level of mutual trust and understanding.
It wouldn’t be possible without the freedom to grow, both as individuals and as a unit.
We are Comfortable Communicating our Needs
Another suggestion from the Facebook wives — keep the serious stuff out of the letters you send to your soldier.
I threw that one right out the window.
I’d already spent years suppressing my depression and anxiety at school, work, even at home. Not because I wanted to, but because I felt embarrassed and burdensome. The social isolation inevitably made things worse.
So I continued to be honest about my mental health in our letters and limited phone calls.
Davis and I both agree — no one should have to go through tough times alone. Brushing off certain topics to keep each other from worrying only makes us worry more.
It also makes the problem worse, building up inside.
Opening up about something deeply personal can be uncomfortable for both of us. Personal development isn’t taught in school, and neither is interpersonal communication.
Comfort comes with lots of practice in a safe, respectful environment. It’s taken about three years of painful conversations to work through our different attachment styles.
The most important thing is being on the same page about your mission to understand and serve each other better.
You Enjoy Each Other’s Company
The other day, I was perusing the r/marriage subreddit and I came across a question about how to “add life” to a relationship. The original poster and her husband weren’t engaging with each other from day to day.
I found a comment that killed me.
“You’re not doing anything fun. Stuff like laundry and chores are boring. Go bowling, see a movie…” or something along those lines.
The thing is…the “boring” stuff is necessary. In a partnership, you’ll do your taxes together, go grocery shopping, and do each other’s laundry.
There is a very important balance between contentment and complacency. Being content doing normal life and seeking new adventures together.
And sometimes, the adventurous date nights just won’t go as planned.
To celebrate our first anniversary, we went to Nashville for the first time. We went kayaking, speakeasy hunting, adding to our collection of unique traditions.
But that day, my insecurities got the better of me.
I spend most of the day over-analyzing my appearance, my behavior, my worth. I was so out of my comfort zone in the city, and I wasn’t prepared for it.
But Davis knows me better than I know myself sometimes.
He held me as I cried, and gently reminded me of the truth — I am loved, worthy, and beautiful. I am enough.
And now, instead of feeling guilty for dampening a special day with my unpredictable mood, I have a sweet memory and a reminder of our strength.
The day was never about the activities we had planned. It was about celebrating our love.
My marriage isn’t perfect. But it’s emotionally stable and mature beyond our years.
If I could give one piece of advice to other newlyweds, it’d be this: trust and be trustworthy. When both partners are comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings, you move mountains together.
